Thursday, January 31, 2008
It's the host. I know I've seen him somewhere before.
But surely no one I would recognize from TV or film would resort to hosting this kind of crap.
And then it hits me.
HE'S ONE OF THE HOSTS OF ANTIQUES ROADSHOW ON PBS!!!!
But no. I have to be confused. PBS wouldn't allow that. Would they?
So, I checked IMDB.com to be absolutely sure.
Un-freakin'-believable. It's true.
And then - THEN - you know what else I discovered???
The blond lady-host of Antiques Roadshow is also on one of those AccessInsideHollywoodEntertainmentEditionTonight atrocities. What the hell.
AM I THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH TO FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!
And it's not like I'm some holier-than-thou who wouldn't be caught dead watching TV let alone knowing anything pop-culture-related. I enjoy my share of mindless entertainment. I watch America's Next Top Model. I know that Gwen Stefani is pregnant again.
But PBS is supposed to be better than the rest of us. They're NOVA and Rick Steves; This Old House and the Happy Tree Guy; Lady Elaine and Easy Reader and Zoom. They're The Complete Jane Austen and Faulty Towers and Masterpiece Theater with Alistair Cooke - and Monsterpiece Theater with Alistair Cookie!
They're supposed to have standards.
And I know you can't make a living on what public television must pay you to be the part-time host of a weekly show about crap people drag out of their attics. But did it have to come to this?
And what's next?
Jim Lehrer moonlighting for Fox News?
Mr. Snuffleupagus on Celebrity Fit Club?
I think I need to lay down for a bit.... Isn't it time for Arthur?
Monday, January 28, 2008
I'm guessing it's either A: along the lines of "tag, you're it!" or else B: something along the lines of what park rangers do to antelope so they can be tracked.
We once seriously discussed piercing each other's ears when we were like 11 so I'm hoping it's A.
More important than what it is, however, is that it involves me making a list. And I can't think of anything I'd rather do than make a list on a Monday morning - or well, any time of the day or day of the week for that matter.
Only problem is that in yet another attempt to cut down on the Diet Coke addiction, I've accidentally OD'd on coffee this morning and now my brain feels like it's been swapped with a Chihuahua's.
So, I'll answer these questions, but the only thing that might actually get typed is "Yo quiero, Taco Bell." We'll see.
4 Jobs I've Had:
1. Waitress (and every other job imaginable in a restaurant.)
2. Pier One employee / organic grocery stock girl (I group them together because both involved me organizing and arranging things on shelves for most of the day. Dream jobs.)
3. Camp Counselor
4. Being micromanaged by a bipolar control-freak from 705 miles away. (yeah, I could have just rounded off to 700 - but the extra 5 somehow helps me to cope.)
4 Movies I've Watched Over and Over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. Bridget Jones Diary
3. Roman Holiday
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
4 Places I Have Lived:
1. Hendersonville, TN
2. Granville, OH
3. Athens, OH
4 Shows I Watch:
1. The Office
2. Ugly Betty
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Friends re-runs
4 Places I've Been:
I'm going to assume this means exotic locales and not, like, the grocery store
1. New England (again, I'm grouping, but I saw all of the little upper northeastern states in one vacation and it was all very quaint and scenic and extremely Caucasian so I'm counting it all as one place. What!?! Like they don't think of the South as all one place...)
4 People Who E-mail Me Regularly:
1. The bi-polar control-freak (see above)
3. My mother
4 Favorite Things to Eat:
If they'd just open a carbohydrate detox facility, there would be no need for an intervention, I would go voluntarily.
4 Places I'd Rather Be:
3. St. George
4. The Container Store
4 Things I Look Forward To This Year:
1. LOST - this Thursday, baby!
2. Going to the beach
3. Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up
4. VOTING!!!! 281 days and counting. I think I'm looking forward to this day more than I did for my 21st birthday
I guess now I'm supposed to "tag" some others. But the only person I communicate with on a regular basis that also has a blog is Katie. Maybe my - ahem - "lurkers" (and you know who you are) could post theirs in the comments section...
OK... off to find more coffee...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
But she's on the mend and is planning to come home shortly.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 09
You suck. You suck not just because I completely support the writer's strike, but because you selfish jackasses have caused a strike when it's winter and it's drizzly outside and it gets dark really early and when I DON'T HAVE CABLE ANYMORE!
At first it was an opportunity for me to take a break from the amount television I watch. It was a good lesson. My house has been cleaner and stayed cleaner than it ever has before. I've been cooking. Even made bread. Caught up on some of my reading. Organized my DVD and CD collections. Scraped peeling paint off a bedroom door.
However, it's now to the point on the to-do list where my choices are to make my own laundry detergent or paint the freshly-scraped bedroom door and watch it dry.
Oh, but don't go thinking that I've been worn down and will start to side with you. I'm still behind the writers 100%. Union yes. Power to the people and all that other stuff. Just know that when I get to the point on my list where I start macrameying things out of dog fur, I'm sending them all to you.
Your first season far exceeded my expectations. Your second season was good. Your third season was, well, dreadful. This season seemed to be back on track, but after last night I'm not so sure. Each episode's theme that ties all the plotlines together has always been a bit heavy-handed, but I've adjusted. Last night's episode, however, surpassed heavy-handed. Last night was more smack-me-in-the-mouth-with-a-mackerel. Because from what I could tell - or should I say, WAS TOLD, by every character on the screen - the theme last night was FAITH. In fact, I think the script went something like this:
Oy vey. I need a mackerel-ectomy. Stat.
I thought you were cancelled. Are you sure you weren't cancelled? If not, please know I can't handle the idea of CIA Seceret Agent Michael Vaughn and White House Deputy Communications Director Will Bailey existing anywhere in the television universe as smarmy Suits.
And apparently neither can a lot of other people. Because, seriously, I thought you were cancelled. Please look into it. Thanks.
Although I always found you amusing, I never watched you on a regular basis. Even now in reruns I usually opt for something else. As a result, I had never seen the Halloween episode where the grandfather dresses up as Frankenstein's Monster. Until the other night. Something made me switch over just in time to see your little homage to Peter Boyle's part in the funniest movie ever made. Seeing that and knowing he's no longer with us brought a little tear to my eye. As my brother says about that episode, "I always hope at some point he'll say 'Puuuuuiiiin un eh Riiiiiz.' But he never does." I guess I'll be sure to check you out more often now just in case it ever happens :)
Sunday, January 13
Dear Wife Swap, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, American Gladiators, and The Moment of Truth:
I'm not completely certain just yet, but I'm pretty sure that you are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Monday, January 14
I was actually excited to see that you were on. No offense, but that kind of scares me. Don't get me wrong, you make nice background noise to fold laundry too, but I'm just not that into you. When I saw your initial promos I was hoping at worst for Dawson's Road - er, I mean - Creek and at best for a TV version of Beautiful Girls, and well, let's just say that hasn't really happened. I have been confused about something though and wanted to ask you about it for some time now. Are you supposed to be set in the past or do all 20-somethings in New England blue collar towns listen to classic rock from the 70s? It's very confusing. Key songs in these characters' lives are often too old for them to be believable. Last night two of your young characters were listening to the Bay City Rollers. Really? Now, if there was a melodrama about 20-somethings in a small blue-collar town in the South, I'm sure everyone would be listening to Lynard Skynard or Hank Williams Sr. so I shouldn't be too hard on you. But enough already.
Tuesday, January 15
Help me. You're my only hope.
Is there a Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse that I'm not aware of?
P. S. Please tell Darren Star that I think Candace Bushnell should not only sue him, but that she and Sarah Jessica Parker should hold him down in the middle of Park Avenue and beat him with a Prada bag and a pair of Christian Louboutins.
Until next week or the strike is over ...
Monday, January 14, 2008
After it got into the 70's a week or so ago I'd begun to wonder if we'd have any winter this year.
If I were still in school I would be doing a snow dance. I may still do one anyway, but in lieu of that for now, I thought I'd pass along the classic and hilarious cartoons of Calvin and Hobbes. Every year I send them out via email and/or someone sends them to me. I think my dad did the honors this year so I thought I'd just post them. They never get old. And maybe this year they'll help bring about some snow.
And so as not to anger my karma for posting someone else's work without ample credit - you can go to http://www.gocomics.com/ and sign up to get a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon sent to your email every day for free.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My brother and sister-in-law had a baby this morning.
6 lbs, 14 oz.
20 inches long.
I saw her right after she was born, but I'm waiting to post a photo until she's a little less purple and covered with goo.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee,
to Barack Obama. ... Iowa has spoken.
Cold, white people have had their say.
Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder, whiter people will have their say.
And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee will soon be the president of Scandinavia."
Monday, January 7, 2008
Good-bye College Football. See you next year.
Yes, my Boys in Orange broke their bowl game losing streak with a win over Wisconsin. Whew! I haven't written anything about it for fear that it didn't really happen. At my mother and stepfather's house where my brother, his wife and I were watching, there was a great deal of yelling - out of elation one second, frustration the next - so I take that as a sign of a good game. That last big play (less than a minute on the clock; Wisconsin has the ball and a touchdown wins the game for them; they throw the ball into the end zone but Adrian Wardlow intercepts it) there were people in a couple of different rooms in the house, and yet it all sounded something like this:
It was a maddening yet exciting game that perfectly reflected a maddening yet exciting year. Thanks fellas. I had a great time. My cardiologist will be sending you a bill later in the year though, so for everyone's sake, lets see if we can't keep the drama down a bit next season.
As for the rest of the SEC - GOOD JOB!! Except you, Florida (Arkansas is excused). Don't get me wrong, I'm just glad it wasn't us ruining the Bowl Record this year, but you not only had to go and lose to the Big 10, but you lost to Michigan!?! I'm sorry, but that's worse than us losing to Penn State last year.
More importantly though, LSU wins the National Championship! Geaux Tigers... or whatever it is they say. I'm just glad they won. No offense to my Buckeye brethren. After all, I did root for your team last year against Florida, but this year I couldn't break with conference loyalty. And I have to make a big cheeseball admission and say I got a bit verklempt when I heard the LSU crowd toward the end of game chanting SEC-SEC.
But I also have to admit to being very un-Christian/Zen/Whatever-like when I saw LSU's team crowded around the Fox Sports desk/stage thing on the sidelines after the game chanting again - not LSU, but SEC - and right into the ear on Eddie George's very Big 10, Buckeyed, bald head. Heh Heh.
That's right. A two-for-one deal. Spite and alliteration. It was a productive night for me.
So there you go. Good game. Good season. TTFN College Football.
Anyone know what time the Lady Vols game is on tomorrow??
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
That damn Baby New Year is back. Staring me in the face.
Smug little bastard.
So... I'm supposed to resolve to do something better with my life over the next year. Right? Part of me really hates this concept. But part of me thinks that there really aren't any more excuses for a life as disheveled as the one I'm currently living so why the hell not have some goals for myself.
And speaking of examining the unpleastantness of one's life... One of my Christmas gifts to myself this year was to upgrade my VHS copy of Bridget Jones Diary to DVD. Bridge' and I have been the best of pals since I read the books forever and a day ago and now having her on DVD along with deleted scenes, the-making-of footage and director's commentary means we have spent WAY too much quality time together this holiday season.
And she starts to get to you. She makes you ponder your not-so-good judgement over the last decade. She makes you see her dinner of blue soup, green gunge and orange pudding as a metaphor for your own well-intentioned, but hapless existence.
She also makes you start referring to annoying people in traffic as fuckwits and take up using your favorite British vernacular again - like trainers, jumper, wanker and dustbin - that you picked up from a group of Irish friends in your much younger, drunken days.
But you digress...
She is good at making the Resolutions though. And eventually it all works out for her. Right? The chunky disaster of a girl gets the tall guy with the great accent. And then it snows. Right?
Oh, that's not how it really works? Bummer.
So why again should I come up with a Resolution!?!
I commented on Katie's site earlier today that I would probably choose better money and weight management as my 2008 Resolutions. But you know, those seem to be ongoing issues that I am apparently wildly unsuccessful at handling so I don't know that they really need to be put on the list. As it is, I think I have enough exercises in futility to keep me occupied until 2010.
Maybe I should choose to be less negative and critical about myself and others (including the fuckwits in traffic).
Resolutions are always so very self-involved though, so maybe I should choose something external or for the benefit of others and then maybe my other issues will fall in line on their own...
OR, maybe this is all making my very self-involved head hurt.
So maybe, for now, I just stick with Bridget.
"I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan."