Thursday, February 5, 2009

Snakes on a Plane(t)

Apparently the threat of climate change is still way on the back burner of our collective concern. Survey results I heard mentioned in the news yesterday said that it was at the bottom of the list of priorities with most people. Understandably there are things like war and the economy that are weighing on people's minds lately - but let's be truthful - concern for who will be our next American Idol probably scored much higher than the people at Pew would lead us to believe.

And I don't know how much hope I have that climate change will ever be a big concern for people. We are currently in a giant "green" trend lately and climate change isn't catching on. The looming threat of drowning polar bears doesn't even seem to be getting the job done either. And you know how much we love the polar bears. Almost as much as American Idol.

I think a new tactic is needed. If cute won't get us to pay attention then cute needs to be replaced with fear. We respond to fear. Not real, could-actually-happen fear - like more severe and frequent weather events, or water scarcity, or crop elimination. No, no. We scoff at that kind of fear. For us, the more irrational and kooky the better.

Our new administration is reportedly going to dial back the fear mongering AND use of the grammatically inappropriate phrase "War on Terror." This means that soon there is going to be a scare-tactic void to be filled and I say climate change is the perfect candidate. And the first order of business should be to get a new mascot.

So, if it were up to me...

This guy:

Totally fired.

(It's okay, really, I'm sure those penguins from that Coke commercial will save him. He'll be fine...)

Your new climate change spokesmodel? This guy.

That's right. Gigantic. Scary-assed. Snake. The fossil remains of an enormous snake have been discovered who existed sometime after the dinosaurs and who grew to oh, about 40 feet long, weighed more than a ton and snacked on crocodiles.

How can a giant extinct snake be either relative OR scary as far as climate change is concerned, you ask? Well... turns out that in order for a cold-blooded creature to be able to grow to and survive at that size, it's environment had to be really hot all the time. Hotter than they ever thought the tropics could get. As hot as the tropics could quite possibly get again if we don't start paying attention. And if it's going to get hotter there, then it's also going to get hotter here, and I don't know about you, but I for one am just fine with the current size of the occasional friendly neighborhood garter snake I find in my yard that still manages to scare the crap out of me.

So there you go. The real threat of famine and drought aren't frightening enough to get us to change to compact florescents or stop wasting gas? Fine. Whatever.

How about the chance that reptiles might grow to be the size of a school bus? Better? I thought so.

And really, when it's put that way the choice is so much more simple, don't you think?


Or this:

Seriously, people. Change your f*cking lightbulbs.

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