Monday, May 12, 2008

In Other News...

I have some people in my life currently making me very angry so instead of addressing them or the issue directly, I'm going to take it out on our political system like a nice dysfunctional person should. Sound OK to you?

1. Has anyone seen my tinfoil hat?
I refused to spend my tax "rebate." Refused. I considered giving it away like I did the last one (to Planned Parenthood, GreenPeace and some literacy organization. All as a gift in W's honor, because yes, I am that spiteful). But the last rebate occurred when I was a young, idealistic, politically-outraged apartment-dweller with disposable income. Now I'm a middle-aged, slightly less idealistic, politically-agitated homeowner with hardly any disposable income.

It was very tempting to spend that check and be a good little obedient American. I had good things to spend it on too. Legitimate things even. So I got on the phone and asked for parental advice. "Do I put this toward a laptop that I really need for my free-lance aspirations? Or, do I stay true to my convictions and just use it to pay off the remaining repair bills for the Jetta Who-Will-Not-Be-Named?" Debt reduction was the solid conclusion. And that's exactly what I did. Yay me - thumbing my nose at The Man while ushering in that new era of fiscal responsibility I've been promising myself since January.

The next evening I powered up the laptop I've been using - and behold - the black screen of death and very non-Microsofty letters telling me "no operating system could be found." A few days later... the lawnmower: broken. A few more days after that... the answering machine: stops answering. Now, I know my karma has a pretty quick turnaround, but I can't figure out what I could have possibly done recently to incur this level of smiting. So what other explanation could there be? Well, obviously the Bush administration has tapped my phone, heard me openly mock their economic stimulus charade, and is slowly sabotaging every device in my house that costs more than $30. It's the only the only logical explanation, right?

2. It would be, it would be so nice.
So, I'm out of the loop for a few weeks and two of our three potential new presidents say that a gas tax holiday for the summer would be a good idea. You've got to be kidding me. Am I going to go into all of the many ways this is a jackassed idea? Or how it won't help any of the people who actually need help? Or how it is only pandering and a reactive, temporary, bullshit nonsolution to a much, much bigger problem that requires actual thought and proactive solutions? No. I will only ask that you raise your hand if you think this crockofshit is a good idea. Fabulous. Now lower that hand about 18 inches. Now smack yourself with it. RE. PEAT. ED. LY. Thanks.

3. Let me remove the piece of straw from my mouth and dirt from my toes before I continue...
I realize that big issues are easier to deal with when we make sweeping generalizations. But sometimes it gets annoying when the news media talks about the South like it's a third world country. Especially NPR (pssst... you're supposed to rise above that kind of crap.) Why does anyone who, at some point had to learn the definition of irony, think it's OK to condemn the stereotyping of people by the color of their skin by stereotyping an entire region of the country?

This morning I listened in amazement as Renee Montagne discussed race and politics in the South with some professor from Emory. Come to find out, any small glimmer of hope a black and/or a liberal candidate may have in the South is NOT because of any conclusion any of us could have thought of on our own. Oh no. Apparently we've been greatly influenced by the many people who recently have moved here from the North. Good to know. I been wonderin' who them folks wuz who brung us those new-fangledy books and shooz. I done thought they wuz frum the Piece Cores.

By the way, Rene, you might want to listen your very own sister news program because the same day on All Things Considered, they discussed all the racists behavior the Obama campaign has encountered. In Pennsylvania. And Indiana. Yeah, try getting some decent grits those states...

4. Fine. You win. I'll go dirty-up my toes and find that piece of straw I just spit out.
I'm not going to post a link to the most-recent and atrocious attempt at muck-raking made by the TN Republican Party. The last thing they need is more delusions of validation. A month or so ago they had Barack Obama's middle name (Hussein) included several times when mentioning him on their website. In their defense, I'm sure it was just so their members wouldn't confuse him with the various other Barack Obamas running for office. Supposedly they took it down. Now they've made an ad that repeatedly shows a clip of Michelle Obama saying something about how she is finally proud of America, interspersed with clips of Tennesseans (in one instance, posing before a living room wall full of shotguns) talking about how they are always proud of America.

I don't know if her comment was taken out of context or not. I don't care. Can't say I've been too proud of my country for quite some time either. The TN GOP has gotten a lot of heat for the ad, and again, I think they've taken it down. But what's the point? The damage has been done. On sooo many levels. No, really, I enjoy being fodder for college professors, political pundits, news reporters and late-night talk-show monologues.

So there you go, Rene. You were right. Apparently we could use a convoy of Yankee relief workers to enlighten us. Please. Send 'em on down.

5. I always have a top-five, but I think I've lost the will to type...
I officially give up. Pass the moonshine.


Katie said...

I find it important to tell you that Dustin is the northerner that is enlightening us all.



And with my check, I appear to be stimulating the skylight repair community, if it helps. And giving the rest to the loan for the adoption of my lovely children, who just wrote on the wall. Right next to where Pukey Eukey messed up the carpet next to his bed last night (e). I couldn't do fun stuff with money if I tried.

Katie said...

Oh, and hey, is it me making you mad? Because Gertie my love, I don't want you on the opposite kinda skeeery.

Carrie said...

Great post!

Melissa said...

You are hilarious when on a roll. I just posted on the gas crap on EcoWomen last Friday. And the rebate? I shan't get started, but you did cover it so well;)