Horseman #4 Revisited - A.K.A. - You Make Big Bird Cry

My post-lunch-ease-back-into-the-drudgery-that-is-my-job-guilty-pleasure is usually a brief detour to Entertainment Weekly's website or IMDB.com. In doing that today, an ad for the new reality disgrace that is "The Moment of Truth" (mentioned toward the end of this post) went by and something about that show (other than it's general soul-suckingness) keeps bugging me.

It's the host. I know I've seen him somewhere before.

But surely no one I would recognize from TV or film would resort to hosting this kind of crap.

And then it hits me.

HE'S ONE OF THE HOSTS OF ANTIQUES ROADSHOW ON PBS!!!!

But no. I have to be confused. PBS wouldn't allow that. Would they?

So, I checked IMDB.com to be absolutely sure.

Un-freakin'-believable. It's true.

And then - THEN - you know what else I discovered???

The blond lady-host of Antiques Roadshow is also on one of those AccessInsideHollywoodEntertainmentEditionTonight atrocities. What the hell.

AM I THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH TO FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

And it's not like I'm some holier-than-thou who wouldn't be caught dead watching TV let alone knowing anything pop-culture-related. I enjoy my share of mindless entertainment. I watch America's Next Top Model. I know that Gwen Stefani is pregnant again.

But PBS is supposed to be better than the rest of us. They're NOVA and Rick Steves; This Old House and the Happy Tree Guy; Lady Elaine and Easy Reader and Zoom. They're The Complete Jane Austen and Faulty Towers and Masterpiece Theater with Alistair Cooke - and Monsterpiece Theater with Alistair Cookie!

They're supposed to have standards.

And I know you can't make a living on what public television must pay you to be the part-time host of a weekly show about crap people drag out of their attics. But did it have to come to this?

And what's next?

Jim Lehrer moonlighting for Fox News?

Mr. Snuffleupagus on Celebrity Fit Club?

I think I need to lay down for a bit.... Isn't it time for Arthur?

I've Been Tagged....

... by Katie. But I'm not hip to blog vocabulary and not quite sure what that means.

I'm guessing it's either A: along the lines of "tag, you're it!" or else B: something along the lines of what park rangers do to antelope so they can be tracked.

We once seriously discussed piercing each other's ears when we were like 11 so I'm hoping it's A.

More important than what it is, however, is that it involves me making a list. And I can't think of anything I'd rather do than make a list on a Monday morning - or well, any time of the day or day of the week for that matter.

Only problem is that in yet another attempt to cut down on the Diet Coke addiction, I've accidentally OD'd on coffee this morning and now my brain feels like it's been swapped with a Chihuahua's.

So, I'll answer these questions, but the only thing that might actually get typed is "Yo quiero, Taco Bell." We'll see.

4 Jobs I've Had:
1. Waitress (and every other job imaginable in a restaurant.)
2. Pier One employee / organic grocery stock girl (I group them together because both involved me organizing and arranging things on shelves for most of the day. Dream jobs.)
3. Camp Counselor
4. Being micromanaged by a bipolar control-freak from 705 miles away. (yeah, I could have just rounded off to 700 - but the extra 5 somehow helps me to cope.)

4 Movies I've Watched Over and Over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. Bridget Jones Diary
3. Roman Holiday
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

4 Places I Have Lived:
1. Hendersonville, TN
2. Granville, OH
3. Athens, OH
4. Nashvegas

4 Shows I Watch:
1. The Office
2. Ugly Betty
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Friends re-runs

4 Places I've Been:
I'm going to assume this means exotic locales and not, like, the grocery store
1. New England (again, I'm grouping, but I saw all of the little upper northeastern states in one vacation and it was all very quaint and scenic and extremely Caucasian so I'm counting it all as one place. What!?! Like they don't think of the South as all one place...)
2. NYC
3. London
4. Italy

4 People Who E-mail Me Regularly:
1. The bi-polar control-freak (see above)
2. Katie
3. My mother
4. Claudia

4 Favorite Things to Eat:
1. bread
2. pasta
3. bread
4. pasta
If they'd just open a carbohydrate detox facility, there would be no need for an intervention, I would go voluntarily.

4 Places I'd Rather Be:
1. Italy
2. Sewanee
3. St. George
4. The Container Store

4 Things I Look Forward To This Year:
1. LOST - this Thursday, baby!
2. Going to the beach
3. Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up
4. VOTING!!!! 281 days and counting. I think I'm looking forward to this day more than I did for my 21st birthday

I guess now I'm supposed to "tag" some others. But the only person I communicate with on a regular basis that also has a blog is Katie. Maybe my - ahem - "lurkers" (and you know who you are) could post theirs in the comments section...

OK... off to find more coffee...

As Promised...

My new niece decided to extend her hospital stay... well, a bout of jaundice and a Strep A infection extended her stay.

We tried to tell her that it wasn't a spa and she would probably be much happier at home, but what does she know? Prior to this she lived in a giant water balloon and ate dinner through her belly button. Heat lamps and an IV of antibiotics probably seem pretty swank at this point, and well, not having a fully-formed cranium tends to impair your judgement. Just ask Paris Hilton.

But she's on the mend and is planning to come home shortly.

In the meantime her parents have been good little photogs and taken more pictures.

So, as promised, I give you Makenzie Adams. Or, as the list of nicknames continues to grow: Mak, Baby Mak, MakMuffin, Zee, etc.

So far she kind of looks like her dad and has inherited her Aunt's legacy of having her name misspelled on a pretty regular basis.

All in all. We kind of like having her around.

Oh, and, I was rightfully corrected by Katie on my previous post and I actually had been "upgraded to Aunt" by her children already. But, as she pointed out, "this one can ask you for money."

Other Aunt duty I was reminded of by my sister-in-law, the Friends-loving and Friends-quoting pal that she is: "I will always have gum." - said Monica when she met her new nephew, Ben.

So, money and gum. I should be able to handle that. Well at least one of them...

Some Thoughts on Television. Or Lack Thereof.

Preface: I've been jotting down random things for the past week regarding the deserted wasteland that is television at the moment - but in the form of letters. No, I'm not crazy. Or any more crazy than I was a few weeks ago. Just bored. And besides, one of my resolutions was to be better with my correspondence...

Wednesday, January 09

Dear Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers:

You suck. You suck not just because I completely support the writer's strike, but because you selfish jackasses have caused a strike when it's winter and it's drizzly outside and it gets dark really early and when I DON'T HAVE CABLE ANYMORE!

At first it was an opportunity for me to take a break from the amount television I watch. It was a good lesson. My house has been cleaner and stayed cleaner than it ever has before. I've been cooking. Even made bread. Caught up on some of my reading. Organized my DVD and CD collections. Scraped peeling paint off a bedroom door.

However, it's now to the point on the to-do list where my choices are to make my own laundry detergent or paint the freshly-scraped bedroom door and watch it dry.

Oh, but don't go thinking that I've been worn down and will start to side with you. I'm still behind the writers 100%. Union yes. Power to the people and all that other stuff. Just know that when I get to the point on my list where I start macrameying things out of dog fur, I'm sending them all to you.

Thursday, January 10

Dear Grey's Anatomy:

Your first season far exceeded my expectations. Your second season was good. Your third season was, well, dreadful. This season seemed to be back on track, but after last night I'm not so sure. Each episode's theme that ties all the plotlines together has always been a bit heavy-handed, but I've adjusted. Last night's episode, however, surpassed heavy-handed. Last night was more smack-me-in-the-mouth-with-a-mackerel. Because from what I could tell - or should I say, WAS TOLD, by every character on the screen - the theme last night was FAITH. In fact, I think the script went something like this:

Doctor 1: "I seem to have lost my faith."

Doctor 2: "Seriously? I have a ton of faith."

Doctor 3: "Don't you have any faith in me?"

Patient 1: "Look at me. I'm a faith healer."

Tall Blond Annoying Doctor: "Faith, faith, faith, faith. I think I'll cry now and try to win another Emmy."

There was only one plot line that didn't actually have something to do with faith, but I'm guessing your message there was that WE should all have FAITH that Dr. McCreepyFacialHair and Dr. LadyFromTheSilenceOfTheLambsWell will be having sex in the on-call room within the next three episodes should the writers' strike ever be resolved.

It didn't help any to keep seeing the ads for the new show, Eli Stone, featuring George Michael singing "Faith."

Oy vey. I need a mackerel-ectomy. Stat.

Dear Really Awful All Male Sex in the City Knock-Off Show That Came on After Grey's Anatomy:

I thought you were cancelled. Are you sure you weren't cancelled? If not, please know I can't handle the idea of CIA Seceret Agent Michael Vaughn and White House Deputy Communications Director Will Bailey existing anywhere in the television universe as smarmy Suits.

And apparently neither can a lot of other people. Because, seriously, I thought you were cancelled. Please look into it. Thanks.

Dear Everybody Loves Raymond:

Although I always found you amusing, I never watched you on a regular basis. Even now in reruns I usually opt for something else. As a result, I had never seen the Halloween episode where the grandfather dresses up as Frankenstein's Monster. Until the other night. Something made me switch over just in time to see your little homage to Peter Boyle's part in the funniest movie ever made. Seeing that and knowing he's no longer with us brought a little tear to my eye. As my brother says about that episode, "I always hope at some point he'll say 'Puuuuuiiiin un eh Riiiiiz.' But he never does." I guess I'll be sure to check you out more often now just in case it ever happens :)

Sunday, January 13

Dear PBS:

TWELVE SUNDAYS OF JANE AUSTEN! NO WAY! You rock!

My geek rating may have just skyrocketted, but I don't care. I'm so happy you salvaged my Sunday evenings from now until April that I may even break down and buy the Jane Austen Action Figure (with writing desk and removable quill). I'm guessing it also comes with an official membership to the National Association of Tragic Spinsters. But I'm ok with that.

Dear Wife Swap, Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, American Gladiators, and The Moment of Truth:

I'm not completely certain just yet, but I'm pretty sure that you are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Monday, January 14

Dear October Road:

I was actually excited to see that you were on. No offense, but that kind of scares me. Don't get me wrong, you make nice background noise to fold laundry too, but I'm just not that into you. When I saw your initial promos I was hoping at worst for Dawson's Road - er, I mean - Creek and at best for a TV version of Beautiful Girls, and well, let's just say that hasn't really happened. I have been confused about something though and wanted to ask you about it for some time now. Are you supposed to be set in the past or do all 20-somethings in New England blue collar towns listen to classic rock from the 70s? It's very confusing. Key songs in these characters' lives are often too old for them to be believable. Last night two of your young characters were listening to the Bay City Rollers. Really? Now, if there was a melodrama about 20-somethings in a small blue-collar town in the South, I'm sure everyone would be listening to Lynard Skynard or Hank Williams Sr. so I shouldn't be too hard on you. But enough already.

Tuesday, January 15

Dear LOST:

Help me. You're my only hope.

Wednesday, January 16

Dear Cashmire Mafia:

Is there a Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse that I'm not aware of?

P. S. Please tell Darren Star that I think Candace Bushnell should not only sue him, but that she and Sarah Jessica Parker should hold him down in the middle of Park Avenue and beat him with a Prada bag and a pair of Christian Louboutins.

Until next week or the strike is over ...

Gert

Offering to the Snow Gods

There's a possible chance of snow this week. He he.

After it got into the 70's a week or so ago I'd begun to wonder if we'd have any winter this year.

If I were still in school I would be doing a snow dance. I may still do one anyway, but in lieu of that for now, I thought I'd pass along the classic and hilarious cartoons of Calvin and Hobbes. Every year I send them out via email and/or someone sends them to me. I think my dad did the honors this year so I thought I'd just post them. They never get old. And maybe this year they'll help bring about some snow.

And so as not to anger my karma for posting someone else's work without ample credit - you can go to http://www.gocomics.com/ and sign up to get a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon sent to your email every day for free.

Calvin and the Snowmen

Breaking News...

I've been upgraded to Aunt.

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby this morning.

A girl.

6 lbs, 14 oz.

20 inches long.

I saw her right after she was born, but I'm waiting to post a photo until she's a little less purple and covered with goo.

Quote of the Week

From Jon Stewart's first night back on The Daily Show from the writer's strike (not that I got to watch it since I don't have cable anymore, but I heard it on NPR):

"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee,
to Barack Obama. ... Iowa has spoken.
Cold, white people have had their say.
Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder, whiter people will have their say.
And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee will soon be the president of Scandinavia."

Not that every state's primary (or caucus thingy) isn't important, but I have to say that it's a bit disturbing the way these first two events are being held up as make-or-break for the presidential candidates ESPECIALLY when the people voting couldn't be less representative of our country as a whole. I think the results are definitely worthwhile, interesting and exciting, but only when considered along with every other states'.

I actually heard someone on the news this morning say "it's a good thing for Hillary that she won in New Hampshire because otherwise it would have been the end for her." Seriously? And then some other yahoo said "and Mitt Romney only came in second and he's the governor of the state next door! If he can't win in Michigan it's OVER." Really? I know that there are all kinds of factors - money, momentum, media attention, etc., but if all it takes to keep a person from even running for president is the opinion of slightly more than 1% of the population, 96% of whom are of only one race (Yeah. That's right. I did the math.) then there's something seriously wrong with this process. Oh wait. We knew that already.

I spend several minutes in bed in the morning now, listening to the news on the radio and trying to decide who I will vote for in the TN primary... should, you know.... it even matter by then. It's tough and I change my mind every couple of days. I've gotten over my misgivings about some that I'd had before though, so my indecision isn't for lack of choice. That's a nice change at least.

But until I decide, I'm sticking with my favorite third party candidate for president. Or husband. I'm not picky:

Another Season Over

Sniff!

Good-bye College Football. See you next year.

My wailing and gnashing of teeth hasn't been too bad so far this year. Granted, I'm like 30 minutes into the post-season, but hey, that's a start! I've gradually gotten more involved with NFL football so that's helped to soften the blow the last couple of seasons. It's kind of like methadone for my college football addiction, weening me from the dearth in my Saturday schedule, gradually moving me to Sundays and games I'm far less invested in, then placating me with the Superbowl.

Until suddenly, I'm not so twitchy anymore.

But to recap...

Yes, my Boys in Orange broke their bowl game losing streak with a win over Wisconsin. Whew! I haven't written anything about it for fear that it didn't really happen. At my mother and stepfather's house where my brother, his wife and I were watching, there was a great deal of yelling - out of elation one second, frustration the next - so I take that as a sign of a good game. That last big play (less than a minute on the clock; Wisconsin has the ball and a touchdown wins the game for them; they throw the ball into the end zone but Adrian Wardlow intercepts it) there were people in a couple of different rooms in the house, and yet it all sounded something like this:

DeterminationAgressionTerrorBriefSecondOfDisbeliefUncotrollableElation&Screaming

Or

DEEEEEEFENNNSECOMEONDEEEEEFENNNNNSEGETTEMGETTEMGETTEMGETTEMACKINTERCEPTIONINTERCEPTIONWHAAHAAHAAINTERCEPTIONINTERCEPTIONWOOHOO

It was a maddening yet exciting game that perfectly reflected a maddening yet exciting year. Thanks fellas. I had a great time. My cardiologist will be sending you a bill later in the year though, so for everyone's sake, lets see if we can't keep the drama down a bit next season.

As for the rest of the SEC - GOOD JOB!! Except you, Florida (Arkansas is excused). Don't get me wrong, I'm just glad it wasn't us ruining the Bowl Record this year, but you not only had to go and lose to the Big 10, but you lost to Michigan!?! I'm sorry, but that's worse than us losing to Penn State last year.

More importantly though, LSU wins the National Championship! Geaux Tigers... or whatever it is they say. I'm just glad they won. No offense to my Buckeye brethren. After all, I did root for your team last year against Florida, but this year I couldn't break with conference loyalty. And I have to make a big cheeseball admission and say I got a bit verklempt when I heard the LSU crowd toward the end of game chanting SEC-SEC.

But I also have to admit to being very un-Christian/Zen/Whatever-like when I saw LSU's team crowded around the Fox Sports desk/stage thing on the sidelines after the game chanting again - not LSU, but SEC - and right into the ear on Eddie George's very Big 10, Buckeyed, bald head. Heh Heh.

That's right. A two-for-one deal. Spite and alliteration. It was a productive night for me.

So there you go. Good game. Good season. TTFN College Football.

Anyone know what time the Lady Vols game is on tomorrow??

GO SEC!! GO VOLS!!

Blue Soup

That damn Baby New Year is back. Staring me in the face.

Smug little bastard.

So... I'm supposed to resolve to do something better with my life over the next year. Right? Part of me really hates this concept. But part of me thinks that there really aren't any more excuses for a life as disheveled as the one I'm currently living so why the hell not have some goals for myself.

And speaking of examining the unpleastantness of one's life... One of my Christmas gifts to myself this year was to upgrade my VHS copy of Bridget Jones Diary to DVD. Bridge' and I have been the best of pals since I read the books forever and a day ago and now having her on DVD along with deleted scenes, the-making-of footage and director's commentary means we have spent WAY too much quality time together this holiday season.

And she starts to get to you. She makes you ponder your not-so-good judgement over the last decade. She makes you see her dinner of blue soup, green gunge and orange pudding as a metaphor for your own well-intentioned, but hapless existence.

She also makes you start referring to annoying people in traffic as fuckwits and take up using your favorite British vernacular again - like trainers, jumper, wanker and dustbin - that you picked up from a group of Irish friends in your much younger, drunken days.

But you digress...

She is good at making the Resolutions though. And eventually it all works out for her. Right? The chunky disaster of a girl gets the tall guy with the great accent. And then it snows. Right?

Oh, that's not how it really works? Bummer.

So why again should I come up with a Resolution!?!

I commented on Katie's site earlier today that I would probably choose better money and weight management as my 2008 Resolutions. But you know, those seem to be ongoing issues that I am apparently wildly unsuccessful at handling so I don't know that they really need to be put on the list. As it is, I think I have enough exercises in futility to keep me occupied until 2010.

Maybe I should choose to be less negative and critical about myself and others (including the fuckwits in traffic).

Resolutions are always so very self-involved though, so maybe I should choose something external or for the benefit of others and then maybe my other issues will fall in line on their own...

OR, maybe this is all making my very self-involved head hurt.

So maybe, for now, I just stick with Bridget.

"I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan."