the world according to gert

Summer of 2010

2010-08-23T20:02:00.006-05:00

So weekly posts went to monthly and now they seem to have gone to quarterly...

What's my problem? I'd like to be able to say that my life is so glamorous that I just can't be bothered, but really now, who are we kidding?

The real reason I happen to have this evening free for blogging? I originally planned to spend it catching up on this season of True Blood via HBO On Demand at the home of two of my main gays. However, they forgot that tonight was the Miss Universe Pageant. And, well, all boys have to have their priorities. So I opted to stay home and watch the Titans game instead.

Yes, you are picturing all of this correctly. I am sitting on my couch watching Monday Night Football while a few blocks away two grown men sit watching Miss Universe, texting me with updates every ten minutes.

Anyway... there have been other things keeping me from posting. Grouchy things. Good and fun things. General life and stuff things. So here's a rundown of how I've spent my summer.

1. Sweating. This hot-as-all-frickin'-blue-blazes summer keeps sucking up my will to breathe.

2. Laughing. I have seriously funny friends and family members that I find myself being thankful for more and more in these crazy times. I went on a road trip with a friend and her two kids who kept me giggling almost constantly. My aunts came to visit and my family has a way of cracking ourselves up when a bunch of us get together in one room. I also attended a wedding with a group of friends - and an open bar - and imagine we'll be retelling stories and sharing pictures for some time to come. Oh, and I took a hoola-hoop class. So... enough said there...

3. Crying. The heat depresses me and makes me more of an easier crier than usual. Over my flood-damaged city. Over friends who've broken each others hearts and mine in the process. Over Story Corps on NPR every damn Friday. Over a newly adopted baby and her patient and deserving parents. Over a dead opossum in my yard. How I'm able to keep my body hydrated enough in this weather to form tears is beyond me, but somehow I seem to have managed.

4. Fretting. It's a never-ending list. Illness. The economy. Oil spill. Proposition 8. The upcoming college football season. But seriously... the big issue weighing on my mind lately is all of the hate-mongering over religion that seems to be brewing. It's likely what will push me from fretting over into fuming.

5. Sweeping. The dog hair in this house has reached epic proportions this summer. I've almost convinced myself to buy a loom and try to profit from this freak show. Keep an eye out for my wares on Etsy. I'm sure they'll be a huge hit.

So that's the season in a nutshell. I wish I had a groovy photo montage to share. I'm coveting an Olympus PEN digital camera so hopefully my autumn and/or winter will be well-documented. After all, I'll need to show off all of the hand-knit collie-blend scarves I'm planning.

In the meantime, I've just been informed that Miss USA did not make the top 15 and I apparently have some consoling to do. At least the Titans are winning...

May (and June) Madness

2010-06-22T12:51:00.002-05:00

I. Have become a bad blogger. Those of you who post regularly, I applaud and am amazed by you. It's not that I can't find the time. It's that I just don't seem to be particularly good at managing my time. My new job also keeps me super busy doing what I like to be doing, which is crafty, creative stuff. So, while I couldn't be happier, I feel neither crafty nor creative when I get home.

I'm going to try to be better...

In the meantime, here's the good, the bad, and the ugly of what's been going on for the last almost two months. Except I'll start with the bad.

1. Granny
My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. I considered writing a full post in dedication, but her opinion on that would not have been favorable. Besides, I think this story pretty much sums her up. She sold Merle Norman cosmetics for an eon and a half. She loved to gamble - the slots, the ponies, and football boards being her favorites. She loved to say things that were inappropriate. She loved to entertain. She used to throw a big Christmas Eve party and I always said she could navigate her small apartment filled with people, powered by nothing but a fake hip and several bourbon and sodas, more skillfully than anyone who was half her age and had half as much to drink. She lived until eight days after her 88th birthday. We're guessing it was because she had a bet with someone. In the last few months her quality of life was rapidly deteriorating, so 75% of me is happy that she was able to go when she did. The other 25% will probably feel otherwise next year around Kentucky Derby time.

2. Travel
I was in San Francisco at the beginning of May. Mostly for work, but I did get a day to roam around the city. The weather was beautiful and I had a good time, but it was also weird. Normally I'm fine travelling alone. But this was the first trip in a while for me sans gays. And I've come to an important conclusion. (Rick Steves, take note!) Travel is better with a pair of gays. Seriously. If they aren't wanting to do the same shopping and touristy things as you, then they're super organized with all of the travel information that, if you're like me, you normally end up being responsible for. And hell, if nothing else, they'll buy you nice cocktails and compliment your shoes. I explained this epiphany to one of said gays while I was sulking a bit in my hotel room. His response? "Well dear, you are in San Francisco - just go and get yourself two more." "You know" I exclaimed (well, typed with an excited smiley face since I was on Skype), "I could probably just call down to the front desk!" I never did, but the whole thing has given me a fabulous idea for a niche-market travel agency...

3. Life and Other Disasters
Lately it's feels like President Obama is starring in some sort of remake of The Money Pit. I bet he thought he was going to have this great adventure - get yourself a nice fixer-upper of a country, refinish the hardwood floors, redo a bathroom or two and then flip it in eight years. But no. As soon as the papers are signed, the roof starts to leak, the HVAC unit dies, and all of the wiring has to be upgraded. So you suck it up and get to work only to discover that the house is now worth half of what it was a month ago, the bank where you pay your mortgage has collapsed, you wake up with swine flu, and then oil erupts into the Gulf of Mexico. Good times. That said, I'm not going to dwell on the horror that is the oil spill. I've been trying to despise BP but I can't without thinking that we should all be despising ourselves and the role our gluttony has played in this. My Presiding Bishop (who just really kicks ass on any given day of the week, in my opinion) was originally an oceanographer by trade. She wrote a great piece about the oil spill and you can read it here. Not every day that the insert in your Sunday bulletin is also featured in the Huffington Post...

So, that's all I got. Hope you're having a lovely summer. I'll be back soon to gripe about the heat if nothing else - 'cause it is freakin' damn hot down here right now.

Five Feet High and Risin'

2010-05-05T21:36:00.025-05:00

About two weeks and twelve years ago, an F-3 tornado ripped through downtown Nashville. It destroyed my little historic church and much of the little historic neighborhood where I now live. At the time, I was in school in Ohio and I spent several days parked on my futon in front of the news and watched friends and relatives being interviewed by national reporters.

From this past Saturday evening until last night I had to do the same thing all over again. Only this time it was flood waters that inundated downtown Nashville instead of wind, and I was in a hotel room in Colorado instead of the futon in my apartment.

The other difference this time, it seems, is that my city has had to share the news cycle with car bombers and oil spills and wingnut immigration legislation and maybe it's received less of the spotlight than it should. Maybe. Many people around here certainly think so and are outraged. I'm not sure I'm in the same camp. If we were swarmed with reporters 24-7 it would just create a shortage of actual news and leave them with nothing to do but ferret out the most ridiculous situations and even more opportunity to report things incorrectly. As it is, I'm already annoyed by the news: "That's not the symphony hall - that's the Country Music Hall of Fame!" "That's not how you pronounce the police chief's name!" "The Opryland Hotel isn't downtown - it's nowhere near downtown!"

I also don't have a lot of faith that they would show the real Nashville. The whole Nashville. The Nashville that I know - grungy, beautiful, absurd, welcoming, tacky, funny, annoying, gracious, ridiculous, wonderful, and weird. They would miss the fact that when it snowed a few inches this winter we were completely incapacitated, but with a devastating flood everyone (it seems anyway) has come together and quietly gotten down to the business of helping their neighbors and reminding us why we're the Volunteer State. On Monday my mother called to say that my next door neighbor had gone out in his boat to help evacuate people. When the mayor put out a call for people to help sandbag the levy near my office, 300 people showed up within an hour. A friend called on Tuesday and said Hands On Nashville (right) already had offers of help from more than 7,000 people. Last I heard, that number was up to 20,000.

And in case you were wondering... by the grace of a little bit of elevation, and a lot of luck, my church and neighborhood that were so ravaged by that tornado, managed to escape the worst of the flood. The rest of the city and its outer suburbs, however, did not. Many people have died. Interstates turned into rivers within minutes, deep enough to cover a semi-truck. The Grand Ole Opry, the Titans' football field, and our main water treatment plant were under several feet of water.

While I am happy and thankful that my little corner of town was spared, it also has caused some guilt. Guilt of not having been here; guilt for only suffering a couple of fallen gutters and a house that smells like soggy dog; guilt for not realizing at first how bad the flooding was. Another friend expressed similar thoughts in a much more poetic fashion here. She also shared the following video.

What's the most fitting music to put to images of the great Nashville flood, you ask?
Why, Johnny Cash, of course.

I hope all of this doesn't mean we'll be suffering a plague of locusts in another twelve years and two weeks. That's bound to test even the strongest of Southern resolves and hospitality. In the meantime, while I'm kind of glad not to have Brian Williams and Wolf Blitzer beating down our doors, I do hope we can still find a way to let the rest of the country know what is going on and that they keep us in their thoughts.

Home Sick

2010-05-02T22:08:00.018-05:00

I was in Denver for work the end of last week and over the weekend. And while it was a great trip - and I have all kinds of crafty things to chat about - I also had to sit by the television and watch my city flood on CNN. I'm very fortunate that my home, and the homes of my friends and family are all okay, but many, many others are not. Its a real - and surreal - mess down here.

So... more about this later... here's what I would have posted otherwise...

Rocky Mountain High
I was in Denver for a gigantic conference for work and was also there with two of my main gays. So, to add to all of the hiking around their convention center (but look, isn't it the cutest convention center you've ever seen?) I was also galavanting around the city in the evenings and plied with cocktails until all hours. And when you combine those activities with a new time zone, a different climate, and crazy altitude, I'm now totally exhausted and have a cold. HOWEVER, on the plus side, while in Denver, I was served drinks from a bartender that looks like Michael Phelps, rode in an elevator with a mini Evan Lysacek, and one of the presenters at a session I attended sounded just like the Count from Sesame Street: "ONE cognative learning research method! TWO cognative learning research methods! Bwah-ah-ah!" (made the presentation waaaay more interesting, BTW.) So really - two olympic athlete look-alikes and a muppet impersonator - what more do you need to give a trip two thumbs up than that?

Last Supper
I had one of the best $*#@& meals of my life at this place. Mostly organic, locally grown yumminess. It's in a old service station, which they've managed to pay homage to nicely, and most of the interior is from reused, salvaged and recycled/repurposed materials. If you're ever in Denver, you must go.

No Mary Ann Either
My only cons of Denver: 1. people can be a little gruff and inconsiderate with your personal space. 2. There's apparently no gingerale available in the entire town. I tried to order a Jack and Ginger on more than one occassion, only to be met with a quizzical look or blank stare as the bartender replied, "uhhh we don't have ginger..." Thinking they thought I meant actual ginger, I would clarify, "gingerALE." When met with another "no," accompanied with a look of "I knew what you meant, dumbass," I first went in the opposite direction and settled for a lemon drop. The second time they had already poured the Jack Daniels in the glass so I just went with that. Made my scratchy throat feel much better.

Familiar Feel
While wandering around downtown Denver, I stopped into sports memorabilia and souvenier store. Now, the city of Denver has been good to my boys in orange and I was therefore tempted to buy either a Todd Helton / Rockies shirt or a Broncos shirt in honor of Al Wilson. You've heard me speak of my love of Al Wilson before, but for your amusing bit o' sports trivia for the day, I will tell you about the other. Todd Helton attended the University of Tennessee on both a football and baseball scholarship. Legend has it, he was debating about whether to switch to baseball full time, but couldn't make up his mind. In football he was one of two backup quarterbacks and early in the season of his sophomore year (I believe), the starting quarterback suffered a season-ending injury. At the next practice, the two backup quarterbacks vied for the starting position and Helton's mind was quickly made up - he would leave football - and went on to an amazing baseball career with Tennessee and then the Rockies. The other backup quarterback: Peyton Manning.

Resistance is Futile. Cue the Dirge.
It was decided that my new place of employment does not have enough of an online presence, including social media. It was also decided that I would be responsible for improving that presence, finding ways to market our organization through social media, and keeping an eye on what our competitors are up to out there in the interwebs. So, guess who had to join Facebook against her will and better judgement? And guess whose time has been heard loudly sucked through the tubes of said interwebs in the mere 24 hours since she opened an account? Kill me now. That said... if you want to "friend" me and don't already know my real name, just click over there on the right and send me an email.

And finally... speaking of clicking over there to the right... if you've got any money or time left, what with all the other craziness in the world, my beloved city is under about 10-feet of water and we could use a hand. Many thanks.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Nashville Flooding

http://www.thedailyshow.com/

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

Scenes from Early in the Morning

2010-04-15T09:14:00.002-05:00

On the one month anniversary of my new job, I would like to say that it is great.

But it has not been without its challenges.

Yesterday I had to read something titled, "Consequences of Misspecifications in Growth Curve and Other Multilevel Models."

So... yeah... there's that...

The main challenge though has been that I need to be at work at 7:30 in the morning.

For those of you out there who are naturally early risers, farmers, or have children, please commence your mocking now...

Done? Okay.

I am trying. So very hard. The good news is it causes amusing things to happen that make for excellent blog-fodder.

Scenes from Early in the Morning #1:

Know where a hard-boiled egg fits nicely?

A quaint and delicate egg cup.

A quaint and delicate egg cup (even though I don't own one) placed alongside a small plate with a piece of whole-wheat toast topped with preserves purchased from the farmers market and a beautiful glass of cranberry juice. All placed on the table in the kitchen so that you can gaze out the window at the morning awaiting you.

Know where else a hard-boiled egg also fits nicely?

That little zippered side pocket in your purse.

That little zippered side pocket in your purse where you toss it as you dash through the kitchen grabbing something that you can eat in the car or at your desk. This occurs after you have gone from the bedroom, to the home office and back to the bedroom looking for your cell phone only to remember you left it in the kitchen and before you trip out the door, leaving your coffee on the counter.

But really... the fact that I had the presence of mind to hard-boil a half-dozen eggs on Sunday and put them in a bowl in the refrigerator AND get a coffee maker with a timer on it so that it's already done when I get up is really quite an accomplishment in and of itself.

So I'm counting this as a win.

Stuff You Probably Already Know But I'm Going to Use This Post to Ramble on About it Anyway

2010-04-13T08:44:00.004-05:00

I now work for a very serious organization that does very important and serious things. And we all just got Skype on our computers. Ooooh Lordeee, it's been all kinds of nerdy fun over here this week.

Tourism is an important part of the economy here in Nashville. But do we really have to have tourists? Especially the dude that asked me for directions with a cigarette barely balanced on his lower lip. WHILE I WAS PUMPING GAS. And the couple in front of me in line at the barbeque place who had to have a seven minute discussion with the guy behind the counter: "The sign says pork. Is it a pork chop? No? What kind of pork is it? Pulled pork? What does that mean?" And it's only April. From now until September it's only going to get exponentially more special each month. It's a good thing I don't work in PR for the visitor's bureau: "Welcome to Nashville. Now, please go sit quietly over there until it's time for you to leave."

The original Tea Party was about taxation without representation. So... to those in charge of this new concoction of the Tea Party... bless your hearts... please change your name. You HAVE representation. It's just that you aren't happy about it. And that's fine. Just please call yourselves the Red Bull or the Mountain Dew Party or something else more fitting.

NPR is awesome. Van Morrison is awesome. NPR's discussing Van Morrison for an hour is way beyond awesome. Our local affiliate just recently switched from playing coma-inducing classical music all day between ME and ATC (you know you're officially a dork when you refer to NPR programs by acronyms...) to an all-talk format: On Point, Talk of the Nation, Fresh Air, etc. You would not believe the complaining that people have done about it. I don't understand. I mean, did they not just hear what I heard? Talking about Van Morrison. And the way all of your insides feel when he growls out those lines like "And IIIIIII want to rock yourrrrr Gypsy sooooulll" or "Sheee's. As sweeeeet. Aaa-aas. Tupelo honeeeey." For a whole hour. Made my day. Can you tell?

God's grace and forgiveness applies to everyone. But I am having a really hard time wanting this to be true for certain despicable owners of coal mines and "parents" who return their adopted children.

Things still really suck in Haiti. And it's about to start raining. A lot. Please don't forget about them. If you've been wanting to give money but haven't - or if you want to give even more - click up there on the right.

Dixie Carter's death is a huge loss and I am sad. But, I bet my friend Eddie is pretty psyched.

Spring "Break" 2010

2010-04-05T21:37:00.008-05:00

Many apologies for my bloggy absence.

It's been a busy spring.

First, I got a second job. More about that in a minute...
Then I've been trying to find homes for several pieces of furniture and a refrigerator that have been taking up valuable real estate in my living room and kitchen. The refrigerator, canIjusttellyou, was only just removed this past Friday. Yes, that is correct. This. Past. Friday. It's been sitting in the middle of the kitchen since this happened. Trust me, nothing makes a tiny kitchen feel even tinier with a second refrigerator IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR.
Then there was Lent and Palm Sunday and Holy Week and Easter and all the pomp and circumstance and time suckage (sorry, Jesus) that comes with it.
There was also the great health care debate, the rise of the Tea Party, and Sarah Palin coming back like a bad rash - so you know I've been pretty busy cleaning up every time that pesky head of mine explodes.
Sometime in there March Madness began, of course, and has consumed a vast amount of time. But what an amazingly great tournament it has been! I'm watching the final game as I write this and keeping the faith that Butler will pull through. My Ohio University Bobcats whipped Georgetown, but then had to play Tennessee. My Tennessee boys beat OU and then made it past the Sweet Sixteen for the first time - in school history - thanks to a nail-biter against Ohio State. They did lose a heart-breaker to Michigan State BUT the good news is I finished third in our basketball pool.
In the middle of all this was my birthday. Woo hoo! Or boo hoo. Depending on your perspective. The final year of my thirties has begun. Then again, much of my thirties has not been kind to my mental health, so maybe I should be happy to turn a new corner.

And speaking of turning a new corner...

That part time job I mentioned at the beginning of this post? It's now my new full time job! You're looking at a communications coordinator WITH health insurance. Medical, dental AND vision.

That's right, I'm fancy.

I would have taken this job just for the fact that I no longer also have to be the office manager / tech support / lackey / fixer of spreadsheets for crazy bitches for no additional money. The rest - like a 403(b), life insurance, tuition reimbursement, and more money for only doing one job - is merely gravy.

I still work for a non-profit, but now it's one in education, not the environment. That part was a bit difficult, but I know it will be the right move in the long run. It also means you're going to have to endure a lot of tirades and ramblings about climate change, water conservation and polar bears and shit since I won't be using up brain cells on these things at work any more. (Not that I worked with or thought about polar bears much at my former job, but you know what I mean...)

So I hope your spring has been exciting as well. It's been 80+ degrees for the last four days and I completed the first yard mowing of the year today. I guess that means summer is on its way whether I like it or not.

Don't know about you, but I think I'm ready for a vacation.

"Hey - is that snot on your sleeve and a laptop-shaped hole in your wall?"

2010-02-23T11:57:00.010-06:00

Word to the wise... here are two very unfortunate combinations from Sunday evening that I wholeheartedly do not recommend:

1. A raging case of PMS, sinus meds, and a special on the 1980 U.S. hockey team.

2. A raging case of PMS, sinus meds, and attempting to hook up a new wireless router.

You're welcome.

Post update - apparently I sounded much more awful than was actually the case. It was just the perfect storm of circumstances that resulted in an evening of nostalgic weeping and then hair-pulling frustration. No computers were actually harmed. All is good. :)

My Presidents Day Photo Project

2010-02-15T14:58:00.019-06:00

Old Man Winter still has a few tricks up the sleeves of his parka. We got another round of snow and are supposed to get a little more tonight. I would be enjoying my snow day even more if it weren't already a holiday in which I'd planned to be at home. Oh well. My agenda of sitting on my ass hasn't been inconvenienced all that much now that I think about, so I guess I'll live.

And, in honor of Abe and George, here's a few shots of Presidents Day from my neck of the woods.

1. My brother gave me a nice sweater that he didn't want anymore.

It's a woolly J Crew number that's too big and bulky for me to be wearing in public, but comes in handy when you're hanging out around the house on a Snow/Presidents Day. I have another sweater of this ilk but it is the last remaining item in the ex-boyfriend collection. It probably has too much bad chi to keep, but is something I haven't been able to part with because of its good, hanging-out-around-the-house qualities. Hopefully this new acquisition will get me one step closer to sending the it and its chi to Goodwill for them to deal with.

2. Nothing I enjoy more than a losing battle...

Me: "Off the couch. Off the couch. Off the couch. Off the couch. Off the couch."

Me: [leaves the office/den and then returns only a few moments later]

Me: "Seriously?!"

3. Hand-me-downs Continued.

In addition to inheriting a sweater, I also inherited a refrigerator from my mother. A real grown-up refrigerator with a door that seals all the way without having to smoosh the bottom corner shut with your foot. First order of business was NOT to transfer the food from the old refrigerator that is plugged into an extension cord and sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor. That's just crazy talk. No, it was to move the refrigerator magnets, photos and humorous whatnot.

You can give a girl a grown-up refrigerator,
but it doesn't mean she'll suddenly act like one.
A grown-up, that is, not a refrigerator...

Getting it in the house was an adventure. My brother and two friends (who fancy themselves my surrogate brothers) moved it for me on Saturday. During the week prior - and twice more the day of - I was asked by my mother, actual brother, one faux brother and my father if I had measured the refrigerator to make sure it would fit. I came to be a little agitated at all the asking. "You know, I'm not as dumb as I look," I said to actual brother. "Yes. I measured. You're the fourth person to ask," I said with a slight growl to faux brother.

And I had measured. Just not correctly it seems. And for some reason it never occurred to me to measure the doorway at my mother's house. I mean... just because their house was built a good 40 or 50 years before refrigerators were even invented, why should there be any problem with it fitting through the front door? Again, that's just crazy talk.

So the refrigerator and freezer door had to be removed and then the little bolts that attach the casters to the bottom got hung up on the storm door at my house and required two people to balance the refrigerator on one end while a third person squatted beneath the tipped up end to tighten up the bolts enough to get it through the door.

The brothers - both actual and faux - were none too amused.

Thankfully real brother got over it quickly - probably because our shared DNA causes him to create these situations as well.

The other two can be bought off with alcohol and banana pudding.

So we're all good for now, but I'll see what kind of problems I can stir up between now and Ash Wednesday.

Hope you enjoyed your Presidents Day!

Before it All Disappears

2010-02-02T14:57:00.003-06:00

Now that our snow has turned from sled snow to snowman snow (I initially typed man snow, but then that sounded terribly odd...) I was reminded of one of my most favorite things in the world - Calvin and Hobbes and my stash of Calvin-building-snowmen comics.

Then I got to work and forgot.

Then I saw in the news where Calvin's creator, Bill Waterrson, gave a rare interview and I was reminded again. Which is a good thing because the snow will probably all be gone by tomorrow. Sad.

Until then:

Here is where I posted the comics before.

Here is the interview if you'd like to read it.

And here's to the groundhog who saw his shadow today - woo hoo! Hopefully this means we'll still get another round of snow before spring. Yes, I know I'm odd. Humor me.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

News of the Weird

2010-02-01T09:48:00.008-06:00

1. It SNOWED!

A few inches even.

And then there was ice.

Then our infrastructure completely collapsed and everyone went sledding.

Well, the collapse of the infrastructure was a bit of an exaggeration... BUT I did try to go see a matinee movie on Saturday and the damn place was closed. CLOSED! Madness.

So we went to a little restaurant nearby on the off chance that it might be open- and lo and behold it was. Now I ask you. A tiny, locally-owned restaurant has enough supplies and employees who can get to work and bring out bread, make gumbo and pour large glasses of wine, but a ginormous movie theater - coughRegalCinemasHollywood27cough - can't scrounge up one person to turn on a projector and pour a Diet Coke? I mean, we even had our own cookies to smuggle in so we wouldn't have bothered them for snacks. Mercy.

Needless to say, after my wine and gumbo detour at 1:00 in the afternoon, I went home and was completely useless for the rest of the day. I did play with the dogs out in the snow. Elsie will root around in the snow. Then roll in the snow. Then run at top speed, stop short and shower Oliver in giant spray of snow. Oliver, however, will prance in the snow because his paws are cold. Then he will fling himself into the air and yelp when Elsie sprays him with snow. Then he will come and try to sit on my feet until I let him go back inside. Good times.

2. Blanche DuBois in Footie Pajamas

My niece started talking a lot more around Thanksgiving / Christmas. Cute little toddler-talk:

peeze (please)

again

bankit (blanket)

night-night

In the last couple of weeks though she's started stringing together more words but with a much more exaggerated Southern accent. Now, everyone in my family would sound like we have accents to anyone living anywhere else in the world, but compared to other Southerners, our accents are extremely mild. Somehow though (we think it must be one of her classmates or teachers) she's picked up this crazy drawl. It's like she's in some sort of Montessori preschool production of Streetcar:

Thee-uhs Du-ugh. My-y dawg. (This is Doug. My dog.)

Hay-elp (help)

Paynk (pink)

Puh-lay bawl? (Play ball?)

I babysat the other night and couldn't stop laughing. Totally hilarious.

3. Potato Bandit

Elsie is a bit of a thief. It's likely the herding dog in her. She mostly likes to steal socks or dish towels and usually ferrets them out through the dog door and then drops them into one of the holes in the yard. You know when she's stolen something because she tries not to be obvious and run through the house - but she's way too excited to be nonchalant and walk normally - so she does this quick little walk with tiny steps and rapid clicking of her toenails on the hardwood floors. Guests are often amazed when I have my back to her as she comes trotting through the living room, sock-in-mouth, and I loudly say "Elsie. Drop it." without ever turning around.

On Sunday I got up and made roasted red potatoes for a brunch later that morning. I came back from brunch and was talking to my mother on the phone when I heard an odd crunching noise coming from the bedroom. I went to check and there was Elsie, sprawled out on the floor with a raw red potato. She grasped it in her paws and nibbled it with her front teeth, then would ponder it briefly, turn it with her paws and continue nibbling. She finally noticed me staring at her, picked the potato up in her mouth and quickly trotted it outside, dropped it in a secure location and then came back in. I decided it wasn't worth putting on shoes and a coat to go out in the cold and chase down a half-eaten raw potato. I also reasoned that it couldn't have tasted all that great and therefore she wouldn't do it again.

Later that night I heard the same crunching noise and damn if she didn't have another whole potato. I went to the kitchen to see if she'd pulled the bag off the kitchen island and onto the floor, but the whole bag was gone. I turned on the outside light in the back and looked out into the snow-covered yard for signs of a mesh bag of red potatoes, but I didn't see anything. Not knowing how good it was for a 35-pound dog to eat at least part of two raw potatoes, I decided to take that one from her. She looked at me strangely, got up, trotted out the door and came back 30 seconds later with another brand new potato. Apparently there's a stash. And it's likely hidden in a hole under several socks and a dish towel. I took that one from her too and I'm going to check today and see if it's okay for her to eat raw potatoes. If so, I'll be tossing part of one into her bowl every now and then since she seems to enjoy it and it keeps her occupied for several minutes. Every time I think that dog can't get any more bizarre, she seems to find a way.

4. Some sort of pop culture babbling.

2010-01-29T10:42:00.002-06:00

In my First Post of 2010 I listed off what had been running around in my head but wasn't actually getting posted. Number four was "Some sort of pop culture babbling." So, being one for always wanting to cross items off a list, I give you the top five week in review - pop culture edition. Hopefully I'll get around to my holiday recap sometime before Easter.

1. Found
You know what starts on Tuesday!? The final season of Lost! I can't wait! And yet I'm a little sad. It's kind of like the first day of my senior year of college. I couldn't wait for it because I knew I was in for a great ride, but I didn't want it to start because I knew it would be over all too soon. I just hope it paves the way for other television programming that is smart and complicated and doesn't involve elimination ceremonies, crime labs or Jay Leno. My fingers are crossed.

2. The universe, she is cruel.
The trailer for Robert Pattinson's new movie, Remember Me, is out. My first reaction as I started watching it? Yum. Soon after that? Argh! No! Make it stop! Why? Well, who would that be playing his father? Yeah, that would be Pierce Brosnan. And while my crush on "Remington Steele" ended many years ago, it's still pretty fresh in the ole memory bank. Does this officially make me middle-aged? It was hard enough when I noticed the dads in commercials were getting hotter, but it creeps me out a bit when both the dad AND the son are swoon-worthy. I need a drink...

3. Please excuse the bits of grey matter on my TV screen.
Have you noticed those beautifully edited and narrated commercials that tug at your heart strings while they tell you all about the integrity, nobility and environmentalism of the American Farmer? Oh wait, correction... the integrity, nobility and environmentalism of the American Farmer all thanks to MONSANTO!? Nothing on television has made my head want to explode more since those high fructose corn syrup ads from this summer or when one of our local news anchors responds to the frigid weather forecast with "What global warming?!" Anyway... you want to talk about how much Monsanto loves American Farmers? Or farmers anywhere in the world, for that matter? Click here and start reading. It's only a drop in the bucket.

4. "You know how picky I am about my shoes, and those just go on my feet."
There's a new adaptation of Emma that began on Masterpiece last Sunday. So far I like it, but I didn't care much for the BBC's Kate Beckinsale version or the Hollywood, Gwyneth Paltrow version (although Jeremey Northam makes a very nice Mr. Knightly) so we'll see if I make it through all three parts of this one. My problem with the others is that Emma was played as a spoiled, prissy, know-it-all who messes with everyone's lives because she feels superior and so she won't have to deal with her life. This new Emma is still very flawed - as she should be - and you still want to choke her, but then you want to hug her because she is genuinely well-intentioned (or as we say here, "she don't mean no harm.") Anyway... enough of indulging my inner English major - this is supposed to be about pop culture! Now, watch how quickly I revert! Because if we want to talk about the BEST adaptation of Emma - for me, it is Clueless. Absolutely no question.

5. "Oh, I love Jeff Gordon - he's the world's fastest Christian."
Which reminds me... I never mentioned how very sad I was - and still am - about Brittany Murphy. So tragic. She was such a quirky, talented girl. As Luanne Platter on "King of the Hill" or Tai in Clueless, she provided me with endless amounts of quotable joy and will be missed.

Questions Questions

2010-01-26T08:49:00.004-06:00

The ever-lovely Emotional Mullet sent this my way and it looked like a fun way to start my morning. Feel free to answer them yourselves.

1. What is your occupation right now?
~~Lackey / Whipping Boy~~ Communications coordinator for an environmental non-profit organization.

2. What color are your socks right now?
Dark blue with hints of tan and white dog hair

3. What are you listening to right now?
NPR

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Leftover pizza

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Yes. An automatic? Surprisingly not so well...

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
My goofy friend, Donnie.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I do, indeed.

8. How old are you today?
38 and 3/4. Eek.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
College football. College basketball is a close second.

10. What is your favorite drink?
Caffienated: strong black coffee or Diet Coke; Alcoholic: Yazoo Dos Perros (local brew), Jack and ginger, gin and whatever; Healthy: pure cranberry juice and sparkling water or Naked juice - the green one (it's especially good if you've had too many selections from the alcohol list...)

11. Have you ever colored your hair?
Yes. It could use it right now, actually.

12. Do you like cake or brownies?
Either. I do like chocolate brownies better than chocolate cake. But there are few things better than carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.

13. What is the last movie you watched?
Avatar. Well... all but the last 15 minutes of Avatar because the big fancy computer that runs the IMAX broke down right before the end.

14. Favorite day of the year?
The peak of fall, whenever that happens to occur.

15. How do you vent anger?
Crying or avoiding it until I accidentally snap at someone I'm not angry with. If I'm being slightly more productive and healthy I will gripe about it to someone or write about it. I'm trying to be better about confronting the source directly, but sadly I'm an avoider. It sucks.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My Winnie-the-Pooh. Record player. And we had a bunch of Star Wars stuff that was fun - I think the Millenium Falcon was my favorite.

17. What is your favorite season?
Fall

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueberries

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
In general, or this list of questions? I didn't email this to them, but any email from them is always welcome. Unless it's a request to join the damn Facebook!

20. Who is most likely to respond?
Maybe Katie.

21. Who is least likely to respond?
Not sure.

22. Living situation?
Blueberry cottage in East Nashville with two heathen dogs.

23. When was the last time you cried?
One day last week when I was being a pissed-off avoider (see #15)

24. What is on the floor of your closet right now?
Ugly tile from the 50s. Boots and fancy shoes in clear plastic shoe boxes. Chucks, clogs and trainers in a pile. Laundry hamper. Tiny folding step stool. (This is all much more impressive if you know that my closet is 3' x 3 1/2').

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
Katie.

26. What did you do last night?
Loaded and ran the dishwasher, cleaned off my desk, groomed two very uncooperative dogs (ears, nails, teeth and coats), did a little work while I watched "Castle," and then fell asleep on the couch watching reruns of "The Office."

27. What are you most afraid of?
What are we talking here? Clowns? Or, like, dying alone? Either way the list is endless and keeps the pharmacy at Target here in business...

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
Cheese.

29. Favorite dog breed?
Heathen

30. Favorite day of the week?
All have their merits, but I do enjoy my weekly Friday night dinner with friends and family and a pint or two of Dos Perros. Saturdays involving pancakes and/or college football are also good.

31. How many states have you lived in?
Technically three, but I was too young to remember one of them. Sorry, Kentucky.

32. Diamonds or pearls?
I wouldn't turn down either, but am partial to pearls.

33. What is your favorite flower?
Peonies and hydrangea. I also like a good daffodil or iris.

...and the Trojan horse you rode in on

2010-01-20T14:09:00.009-06:00

So. On the ride that has been the Big Orange Emotional Roller Coaster, let's recap:

Last year my beloved state's university hired a new head football coach. I took an instant disliking to him. Among other things, he was very young, mouthy, wore a sun visor, was rumored not to like the color orange and was married to a woman who went to Florida.

Yes, I know these are not legitimate reasons to dislike someone, but when combined with my gut instinct, these things didn't help. Being loyal to a fault, however, I vowed to get on board and at least be supportive.

That fall our team started out pretty shakily. But the coach said he was standing behind our quarterback, made some adjustments, and things started to turn around. I began to appreciate his methods and the new enthusiasm in the team.

The coach continued to be mouthy and was playing harder and faster with the rules than I was used to. I decided that I was maybe being too critical. Change is always hard and maybe his style wasn't bad - just different.

So I lightened up. And in the Vanderbilt game, when big, ole Wes Brown (arguably the sweetest, most dedicated player on our team at the end of his last home game ever) intercepted that pass and on two destroyed knees and with a Vanderbilt player clinging to him for dear life, lumbered into the end zone for a touchdown, the Tennessee bench erupted with pure joy and so did the coach. And that sealed it for me. He was our coach. He was officially a Tennessee man. (Brown's TD was, hands down, the greatest moment of the season - watch it here.)

And then it all changed. Last Tuesday night I came home to discover that the coach I had decided to like against my initial instincts and better judgement proved me wrong. Or right. Whichever.

Now, I'm all for people following their dreams. And apparently we weren't his dream job. Fine. For some reason coaching USC is his dream job. Fine. You do what you have to do. But when you do it - you need to try to appear that you have at least a tiny ounce of respect for the team and the school and the state that hired you and embraced you in spite of yourself. And, while we're at it, here's what you don't do:

You don't allow our players to find out from ESPN that you're leaving before you tell them.
You don't announce you're leaving in a 90-second press conference after the evening news so that you can slink out of town under the cover of darkness.
You don't show up to the press conference in a baggy golf shirt and shorts.
You don't allow your assistant coach to stand at the back of the room on his cell phone during your press conference and try to poach our new recruits.
You don't show up the next day for your new job at a big, live, fancy press conference - in a suit - and tell them that you really had no choice but to leave because our coaching job is "a top 15 job," but this new one is "a number 1 job."

Oh, but he did all of those things plus other devious and rodent-esque things that have come out since.

The silver lining is - as tends to happen in these situations - the worst behavior of a few has brought out the best behavior in many. Because being a team in the SEC is much like being a brother in a family of twelve large, unruly, brutish boys who are hell-bent on beating the crap out of each other all day. That is, until the bully from down the street tries to pick a fight with one of you. Reading the comments on the posts at my favorite Tennessee sports blog warmed my little orange heart:

(From a KY fan) "I hate it for you guys, honest.... you didn't deserve this."

"Gators Fan Here. I never liked Lane Kiffin at all, but this goes beyond the pale. I feel badly for you guys and can only hope karma kicks in sooner rather than later.

"From a Tide Fan: Good riddance to that egomaniac. Your school deserves a lot better than that."

"From a Dawg Fan... I am sorry for ya’ll. It’s a cold wind on Rocky Top tonight, but it will get better."

But the icing on the cake didn't come from the SEC. Surprisingly it came from the PAC-10. Turns out, there are many UCLA fans who have now sworn allegiance with the Volunteers. I think I'll be doing the same in return:

"A Bruin Fan here: Vol fans are some of the best opposing fans I’ve come across and I can’t believe you guys have to deal with this kind of spineless, soulless, gutless BS...You guys will bounce back and it’s going to be a joy to watch."

"From Bruin fan: Keep your chin up Vols!!! I admire your passion for your team. I was not able to travel to Knoxville for the UCLA/UT game but had many friends that did. They all had nothing but great things to say about TN. With that being said, you guys will be better off without Kiffin. Please join the BruinNation in enjoying kicking the crap out of USC and Kiffin!! Best of luck to you guys!"

And I have to admit - this one had me a bit verklempt:

"Let me first say that my family has a place in their heart for the wonderful hospitality of the Vol Nation when we visited Neyland stadium this past year.

Before, during and after the game we were blown away by the truly royal and gracious treatment we were given. From the Rocky Top welcome of the football team by the band and thousands of fans, to the zeal of Neyland stadium, to the unbelievable class of your fans in defeat, we could not get over the entire, wonderful, Tennessee experience. That’s what college football should be about, and you guys and gals are all class.

Just remember, you’re better off. He would have tainted your program forever. No doubt you will replace him with a better man very soon. Don’t worry about revenge. Leave that to us back here in Bruintown. It will be our pleasure. GO VOLS!"

So, Mr. Kiffin, I guess what it comes down to is this - if you don't want to be here, then we don't want you here. Eventually I hope to see it in such simple terms and can say it without grinding my teeth. Until that time comes... I hope you enjoyed our Southern Hospitality while it lasted. And I hope you enjoy your new job while it lasts.

But most of all, I hope you remember what you said at the beginning of last season - about how you couldn't wait until you got to hear "Rocky Top" all night long. Because I have a feeling the UCLA band is practicing it as we speak.

GO VOLS!

GO BRUINS!

Zen and the Art of Jetta Maintenance

2010-01-15T15:27:00.009-06:00

While I continue to wait for my seething anger to subside about suddenly-former and down-right weaselly UT football coaches, I thought I would attempt to regale you with a story. It sort of sums up how my life has been lately.

To set the scene: we had one helluva cold snap here over the holidays and into the new year. It eventually got so cold that I was too cold. And that never happens.

In addition to the cold, we also were expected to get the Blizzard of 2010 two weeks ago. Instead we received a mere dusting of snow that Wednesday night. It then drizzled rain all day Thursday and that, combined with an 8-degree night, meant that Friday all of our side streets were skating rinks.

I still thought it wouldn't be too bad since I only have four blocks or so before I get to a main road that would be clear. So I bundled up and started the Jetta and headed out. Unfortunately there was a wreck blocking my short trip to the main road and I had to turn in the other direction. The noise beneath my tires was making that scrapey, crunchy, tires-on-ice sound, but they were also spinning a bit. And, despite all the complaining I do about dear Jetta Who Will Not Be Named, there is one thing it does well and that is drive on snow and ice.

But alas it was early and my brain was foggy and since I was already in the car I kept going down a short hill and then tried to turn left. That's when I realized that the scrapey, crunchy noise wasn't tires-on-ice, it was FLAT tire-on-ice.

I then vaguely recalled the guy at the oil change place maybe telling me I might have a slow leak in my front right tire that I should maybe keep an eye on. I can't remember. I mean, really. I wasn't listening that closely to begin with and, well, it's been several weeks since then... But I stopped, got out, and wouldn't you know it, a week of below freezing weather and a slow leak in your tire equals one very, very flat tire.

I tired to turn around and drive it back to my house until the weather warmed up enough to fix it, but going back up the hill was not an option. So I parked the Jetta on the street and trudged home.

Saturday came and it warmed up above 20-degrees so I walked back down to the car intent on changing the tire myself. I had a couple of offers of help from friends and family, and/or their AAA service, but it was too frickin' cold outside to put someone through that when, had I used any common sense to begin with, I would not have been in this predicament in the first place. Plus, it had been a particularly demoralizing week at work and I really just needed to complete something - that had some degree of difficulty to it - with my own two hands and one brain and not be scrutinized or berated about it.

So, I arrived at the Jetta and proceeded to remove the cute little tire-changing kit from the trunk and my very impressive-looking full-sized spare and went to work. Lemme tell ya - it was a gigantic pain in the ass and it was SO COLD. But I was determined. I took off the crafty German-designed hubcap cover thingy (that I had to look up in the damn manual how to remove). I loosened the bolts. I got the car all jacked up and was starting to remove the bolts when an SUV stopped. Inside was a kindly-looking Good Samaritan in his mid-to-late 50's. He rolled down his window.

GS: You need some help?

Me: Thanks, but I'm okay.

GS: [laughs] I wasn't expecting that answer. Here, I'll give you a hand.

He pulls his car off to the side and gets out. Part of me is really annoyed that he just assumed I would let him take over and change the tire. The rest of me is freezing its ass off. GS kindly finishes removing the flat tire and puts on the spare. Which turns out to also be flat.

Me: Good grief.

GS: Well, I think it's enough to get you to the gas station at the end of the street.

Me: Okay. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate your help. Have a nice day.

We shake hands and exchange names. I then drive on my slightly deflated spare to the gas station's air thingy, which is, of course, out of order. I curse, look up, and then realize that GS has followed me to the gas station.

GS: Is it out of order?

Me: Yes.

GS: Aw, man. Do you want to try the next gas station up the street?

Me: Sure.

I take off and he kindly follows behind me with his hazards on. We get to the next gas station's air thingy. Also out of order. I curse, smack my hand on the steering wheel and prepare to head down the street to the next station on what I'm sure is now a much more than a slightly-deflated spare.

GS: That one's out of order too?! Are you kidding me?!

Me: I know! Can you believe it?!

GS: I've got a buddy that works at the used tire place just up on the other side of the street if you want to go there.

Me: Okay! Thanks!

So we head up the street a short bit and turn into the tire place. GS goes inside for a moment and then emerges with a moderately scary looking dude named Mike with a cigarette dangling from his lip. He walks past me, mutters something I don't understand and then crouches down beside the car to find the leak in the spare. He finds it and goes about fixing it. I start to chat with GS again.

Me: Thank you so much - I really appreciate your help. But it's cold and I'm sure you have other things to do so please don't feel like you have to stay here.

GS: It's no problem.

Long pause.

GS: You married?

Me [to myself]: Who asks that question when they first meet someone?

Me [aloud]: No.

GS: Kids?

Me: Um. No.

Mike: It's fixed.

He then gestures gruffly to me to open the trunk. I hope it's because he wants me to get the flat tire out of it so he can fix that as well and not because he plans to knock me in the head and put me in it. But I decide to take my chances and quickly open the trunk. He pulls out the flat tire, fills it with air and then points to where I can hear air escaping from a little worn area in the side wall.

Mike: You need a new tire.

Me: How much?

Mike: Cash?

Me: Yes.

Mike: $27.50.

Me: Sounds good.

Mike leaves with my flat tire and mutters something to some other scary-looking dudes with cigarettes dangling from their lips. They look up at me, mutter back to him, and then take my tire inside.

Me [to GS]: Again - thank you. You've been very nice, but I'm fine now, I don't want to keep you.

GS: So you're not married?

Me [light bulb FINALLY goes off over my head]: Oh. Uh. No.

No-So-Good Samaritan proceeds to try and make small talk and no matter how many times I mention that he doesn't need to stay - HE WON'T LEAVE. I become annoyed. And am freezing. I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone and start to text one of my gays: "Plz come get me @ tire store by CVS. BTW - try to look big & scary when u get here."

NSGS: So are you single?

Me [finally with my wits about me]: No!

NSGS: Boyfriend?

Me: Yep.

I then cringe internally because I know the next questions will be "Well, if you have a boyfriend, why wasn't he out there changing your tire?" and because I know that if I do have to resort to calling in backup I will never, ever, ever be allowed to live down this little ordeal. Having Mike knock me in the head and put me in the trunk does not sound like such a bad alternative at the moment...

NSGS: Well, Mike will be finished in a minute so I guess I'll head on.

Me [internally]: Praise Jesus.

Me: Okay. Well, thanks again. Have a good weekend.

NSGS leaves and Mike returns shortly with a new tire. Well, a new used tire. And shoves a bill at me with $27.50 scribbled on it. I hand him two twenty dollar bills and he grumbles (dude, you just asked if I had cash - not if I had exact change. Let it go!). He digs around in his pocket and comes up with change. And then hands me the tire. I realize that $27.50 only covers parts. Not installation.

So I drive back to my house on my fully-inflated spare and then spend the next 30 minutes continuing to freeze my ass off while I change the tire in my driveway. Happily. Alone.

First Post of 2010

2010-01-13T11:35:00.007-06:00

I've been mulling different posts around in my head for a couple of weeks now, but as of yet I obviously haven't gotten down to the business of writing them. To date, the list includes:

1. The Top Five Review of all of the chaos and festivities of the holidays.

2. The list of new year's resolutions that will inevitably not be followed much past Ground Hog's Day.

3. A manifesto about the state of my job and my boss' ridiculous behavior that I'm sure would end with me stating that I should just suck it up, be thankful I have a job at all and then proceed with me continuing in the same crappy state of mind for another six months.

4. Some sort of pop culture babbling.

5. Several posts about the crazy-assed goings on with my state's football and men's basketball teams. Most notably and arguably the most crazy-assed being last night's development that - just beware - I will most certainly be ranting about in the near future. For now I will only repeat what I have been muttering to myself since about 10:30 last night: Youhavegottobekiddingmeyouunfuckingbelievablesonofabitch.

But, after a brief reality check, I decided that instead of writing about any of these things right now I am only going to post links to where money can be donated to relief efforts in Haiti.

A moment ago I channelled the effort I was exerting with my cursing into donating to Episcopal Relief and Development. For what its worth, ERD doesn't go to other countries to proselytize or baptise anyone. They provide disaster relief and support existing organizations and efforts within communities that are already doing good things with regard to clean water, sustainable agriculture, education and so on.

If you are looking for a place to donate and don't want to be churchy about it, Treehugger had a post today that listed other reputable organizations already working in Haiti who also have an environmental focus:

Architecture for Humanity: helps to design and build safe and clean living structures in developing countries that also protect the resources of the communities. They are taking donations now to help provide shelter for earthquake victims in Haiti.

The Lambi Fund of Haiti: works for economic justice and sustainable development in Haiti through community water projects, reforestation, mico-credit lending for entrepreneurs, and food security for the poor.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

2009-12-18T10:55:00.002-06:00

There was a shuffling of meetings earlier in the week and technically I still had some vacation time left so I did the minimal amount of work things I needed to do yesterday from home and then spent the rest of the day cleaning my house.

Really cleaning my house.

Since my home renovation there's been a constant layer of dust on everything and boxes of knickknacks and furniture stacked in corners so even when I do have time to clean, it's only been the bare minimum. And by that I mean just enough so that I don't go insane and so that my closest of friends and relatives can come over without me being completely humiliated.

But yesterday I vacuumed under AND behind furniture. I emptied ALL of the trash cans and recycling bins. I dusted everywhere - not just as high as I can see.

A couple of friends were coming over for dinner and were to arrive at 6:30.

At 6:20 my whole house was clean. Pictures hung, baseboards dusted, furniture de-furred and Febreezed. Lasagna in the oven. Dogs brushed and paws cleaned. Tree lights on. Ella Fitzgerald Christmas CD playing. I had even gone through all of my flatware and pulled out enough forks, knives and spoons for everyone that matched (matched, I tell you!) AND didn't have spots on them from the dishwasher.

At 6:25 I stopped to admire how, for the first time in a long time, my house seemed like a home instead of a shanty inhabited by a hobo.

At 6:26 I decided I would go ahead and make a little cocktail to enjoy while I waited on my guests and bask in this glorious moment of being a capable, competent grown-up.

At 6:27 there was a loud crash as three, five-foot-wide shelves in the mud room collapsed in an avalanche of paint cans and tools and dog treats and light bulbs and extension cords and citronella candles and garden clogs and rain boots and beach towels, gouging several holes in the wall and ripping off part of the molding around the door with them as they fell.

At 6:28 several words were uttered that were not in the holiday spirit.

At 6:29 I made sure that neither dog was trapped under the avalanche and was thankful they weren't in the mud room when it happened.

At 6:30 The dogs I was one minute ago thankful weren't harmed, were threatened as one of them dove head first into the pile of crap to dig out a bag of Greenies and the other started to drag a power drill out through the dog door.

At 6:31 my guests arrived. A dear and wonderful gay couple, who came through the door full of Christmas cheer and with festive food and gifts. They saw my predicament and declared: "If we were more butch we'd help you put all of that back up. Let's make martinis instead!"

At 6:51 my glass was refilled for the second of what would be several times that evening and I no longer cared how clean my house was, the disaster in the mud room, that one of the dogs helped herself to some of the appetizers or that the other tried to stick his nose in someones drink, or hell, even if my flatware matched.

That lasagna was damn good though.

Adventures in Hall Decking

2009-12-15T22:09:00.010-06:00

There's no list / Week in Review for last week. I worked. I did laundry. My Christmas shopping is mostly done. The house is somewhat decorated. It was Pink Candle Sunday on the Advent wreath this past Sunday. I don't really know the significance of Pink Candle Sunday, but that's the Sunday I like to decorate.

I had all kinds of big plans for crafty Christmasy window boxes and lights on my porch. Didn't happen. I also had plans for a real tree this year. Also didn't happen. There's a new dresser in my bedroom so my old dresser has no home right now and instead is in the place in the living room where I was going to put the tree. So I'm using the dresser like its a mantle. My advent candles are on the top and the dogs' two stockings are hanging from the top set of drawer knobs.

Last year my house was in a shambles and I thought "Next year I'm going to have a nice house for Christmas." This year I have the good fortune of having new furniture from my grandmother. The problem is that with 900 square feet, every piece of furniture has a place and if something new comes in, then something has to go out. So, there's a holding pattern of sorts going on - an end table and a corner hutch are hanging out in the dining nook in the kitchen and a dresser is loitering in the middle of the living room. Eh, maybe next year I'll have this all figured out...

So for Pink Candle Sunday I did put up my tiny fake tree and it looks kind of cute. And I do have a wreath on my front door. After lunch on Saturday I went to visit the real trees at our local neighborhood garden shop and picked up a wreath there. It's almost too big for my door, but I like it and it smells yummy.

Anyway... I'm realizing how boring this post is so I'm just going to move along to the picture portion of the program:

Giant new yummy-smelling wreath.
(Non Christmasy window box to the left.)

Tree.

Santa's Helpers "helping" in the best possible way.
Apparently all of the excitement of their stockings
being hung on the dresser with care was exhausting.

Happy Holidays!

Week in Review - Cheers

2009-12-07T10:24:00.003-06:00

1. Isn't it "The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend"?? Oh Hell, Who Cares - Roll Tide...
Well, the Alabama Crimson Tide did indeed roll over the Gators. Thank goodness. Nothing worse than making yourself cheer for a team you don't like just to have them lose. Now they're playing for the National Championship and I will dutifully suck it up again on January 7th. Go SEC! I watched the game from my local dive bar (it has no windows or decent chairs, but several thousand dollars worth of flat screen televisions and my favorite local brew on tap). The crowd in the bar was all into the game and was decidedly for Alabama. Nashville is no longer made up solely of people who were born and raised in the state (we're very cosmopolitan now, y'all) so while a good bit of the patrons were likely orange-bleeders like myself, it's safe to assume there were fans of a good many different schools there as well. All united against a common enemy. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

2. Perhaps I Need to Find a Meeting - or - Become a Local Business Investor
Speaking of said dive bar... I spent more hours in that one on Saturday than I should be admitting to the entire interwebiverse. Several friends very kindly helped my brother and me move the furniture we received from my grandmother to each of our homes. Afterward we treated them to fried things, beer and football at the bar. Some people could only stay for a little while and then left, then other friends showed up, then my mother and step-father dropped by, other friends left, and then more friends showed up. So yeah... basically I arrived there around 3:00 and left around 8:30. Thanks to Melissa for sticking it out with me the entire time - what a trooper!

3. Oh Yeah, That's Right - it's Advent...
Somehow I don't think the Baby Jesus had any idea he'd have to compete with football in the middle of the preparations for celebrating his birth every year. But, then again, since we can all probably admit that he wasn't actually born in December and the crazy Christians just co-opted Winter Solstice from the Pagans, maybe he would actually be down with watching a little gridiron action. Or, at least not be too terribly offended that while I turned down the lights, lit my two purple candles and quietly contemplated the season of Advent and the end of another year, I also did so while watching the Cowboys / Giants game. (It was on mute.)

4. One More Step Toward Being a Grown-up
One of the items passed down to me from Granny was a bed. A real, Big Girl Bed with a headboard AND a foot board, so that I can finally rid myself of the cheap wobbly metal frame that was left in an apartment I once rented and meant that the mattress set my dad had given me when he got a new set for his guest room (which meant I no longer had to sleep on a futon) would not have to sit directly on the floor anymore. Woo hoo. Yes, I am almost 40. Some other time we can discuss why I shouldn't be in any rush to get a flat screen television since my current model is the first one I've ever owned that didn't have dials...

5. Someone, Please, Just Club Me in the Head
I finished my year-long, torturous, tear-inducing, home renovation project like, what, five minutes ago? So, yesterday evening as I was arranging newly-acquired furniture and contemplating how I could spend the two weeks of vacation that start one week from today (yippee!) I actually thought - ACTUALLY THOUGHT - "maybe I'll sand and refinish the hardwood floors in my kitchen and take up the crappy tile in the mud room." Seriously. It may turn out to be a blessing that I have a tendency to spend too much of my available free time (and cash and brain cells) in a bar.

Seasons Greetings!

Thank God I Don't Have to Say this Very Often

2009-12-04T13:40:00.004-06:00

The SEC Championship is tomorrow afternoon on CBS - a match-up between Florida and Alabama. Should be a great game, especially since whoever wins will play for the national championship. I've already babbled on and on about my feelings for these two teams so I won't add anything else. I will only say... as much as it pains me...

ROLL. TIDE.

And since there's no Hail Mary Haiku contest to enter, I thought I'd try my hand at it for this less-than-auspicious occassion:

Roll Tide? Ugh. Now feel

faint; must lie down with orange

compress on my head.

Happy Friday!

R. I. P.

2009-12-02T09:11:00.013-06:00

*sniff*

I had to have my black cashmere hoodie put down over the weekend. I am still a bit sad about it. It had a long, good life (5 years), was well loved and will be missed.

As is the case with most beloved sweaters and shoes, you swear you aren't going to go out right away and get a new one... But then I found myself at Macy's a few days ago - just checking to see if the jeans I've been wanting - that are just the right color, fit so nicely and are the perfect length, but are $80 - have somehow been marked down to, say, $40. No such luck.

But there, just across the aisle from the Michael Kors section was Calvin Klein. Now, I have no reason to look for jeans in the Calvin Klein section because, as beautiful as Mr. Klein's things are, he refuses to acknowledge that women have hips. But I digress... As I woefully turned away from my not-marked-down jeans, something did catch my eye.

It was adorable. And snugly. And so needed a home.

First let me say, I've been admiring all of the super-long, chunky, cable-knit hoodies and cardigans that are so popular this season, however, being short and chunky means they don't look good on me. But there it was. A cotton, not-so-chunky, hip-length, cable-knit grey cardigan with a hood and a drawstring tie - not a big, bulky bathrobe tie that my dogs would assume was a pull toy. It was so soft, it almost felt like cashmere. And, unlike my jeans, had been marked down. Quite a bit, actually.

So, here's my new addition:

And, to honor my dearly departed black cashmere hoodie, I'm wearing the new sweater today with my beloved stripey cashmere scarf (that sort of looks like this) I got it forever ago when I still liked J Crew's clothes...

And, while we're at it...

Either from Target or Old Navy. I'm too messy to invest good money in white t-shirts. I expect this one to have mustard and/or coffee on it by the end of the day.

Trusty trouser jeans. I stalked these last year at Macy's until they were marked way down. (BTW -Tommy Hilfiger also acknowledges that women have hips - are you listening, Mr. Klein?)

Kenneth Cole Mary Janes - also on super mark-down, but from DSW. Except my straps don't buckle. They're Velcro. Because I'm eight and will have mustard on my shirt by the end of the day.

Grey herringbone trouser socks. I love fall/winter when you can wear fancy socks. I have these in tights too.

And it's raining - so I have my burberry plaid umbrella with me. (While shopping in Vegas the boys I was with patiently watched as I drooled over a pair of rain boots in the Burberry store at the Venetian. They were so pretty. But didn't even have a price tag on them, so somehow I don't think they'll ever be on super mark-down clearance...)

Anyway... farewell dear, black cashmere hoodie. I loved you so. May someone at Goodwill love you just as much.

Week in Review - Giving Thanks

2009-11-30T11:07:00.008-06:00

I was indeed thankful last week. Here's what for:

1. Travel and Quiet Weeks at Work
When I get back from a trip I'm not one to say "I'm never getting on plane / staying in a hotel ever again!" No, I immediately start rooting about on the interwebs trying to figure out the next place I can go and how long before I can afford to go there. One of my friends and I spent some time on the flight back from Vegas perusing the Southwest Airlines cocktail napkin that had a map of all of their airports printed on it (we were bored and did not want to watch Twilight again on the other friend's iPhone). This same friend and I have also talked about going to Peru so when I got to work on Monday - with only a three day week and not much to do, here's what I discovered:

Peru? I could spend a pretty cool week in Peru for about $1,500. Not too shabby.
Italy? I'd go there once a year if I could afford to. Cheapest city to fly into right now - Rome. But even that was $900+. Ouch.
Good ole US of A? I priced flying to Chicago and taking a train from there to Spokane or Seattle and stopping mid-way-ish at Glacier National Park for a couple of days. Six words: More. Than. A. Week. In. Peru. Granted, if I wanted to sleep sitting in a chair on the train instead of reserving a sleeper car, then it would have been cheaper. Something has to be done about the convenience and affordability of train travel in this country, people! Anyway - another rant for another post...
Cheaper alternative? Fly to Denver, rent a car and drive to Yellowstone and Grand Tetons National Parks. Could probably do two weeks for the same - or less! - than the train trip.

2. My Grandmother
She recently moved to an assisted living facility here in Nashville and has been less than pleased. She also has a way with words. Many of them are not quotable here in blogland. We ate lunch with her at her new home this week and here was my favorite quote: "Roger [my dad/her son] took away my car. Said I wasn't allowed to drive anymore. I drive okay. Just have to keep one eye closed." Good times.

3. Non-Traditional Thanksgivings
I have a love-hate relationship with traditions. Generally speaking, I love them, but over the years many of the traditions I've grown to dislike revolve around certain "family" holidays. Where you're supposed to sit around the table with various relations and pretend that you're not all bat-shit crazy simply for the sake of tradition. I'm over it. And I think if Norman Rockwell were alive today, he'd be over it too. In fact, I think his next cover of the Saturday Evening Post could very easily have been of my Thanksgiving dinner this year. The meal: a beautiful array of all the traditional Thanksgiving dishes. Seated around the dining room table: six people - none of whom were related except those that were married to each other. Most of us had already participated in our "traditional" Thanksgiving meals earlier in the day or week that ranged from mildly annoying to really sucky. This one, however, was filled with good conversation, laughter, friendship and good ole fashioned merriment. No passive-aggressive behavior, snide remarks or years of pent-up hostility. Not to be all smug, but I think this is more of what Thanksgiving was intended to be. The lemon martini thingies we had didn't hurt either.

4. A Good Season
I know I go on and on about my beloved Boys in Orange, but I do need to give thanks for them. They've had a hard few years and this season was no exception - a new coaching staff, problems on the field, problems off the field, problems with other coaches. The list goes on. We end our regular season 7-5. On paper that's not the greatest, but I couldn't be more thrilled. They tried hard, they played smart, they learned from their mistakes and they never gave up. They could be 5-7 and I would still be as happy. This past Saturday in their win over Kentucky they did give me a flash-back to two years ago (speaking of Granny), but we all survived. So, for that game and every other game this year, I thank you. Hope you get to go to Tampa for your bowl game. But, if you should end up playing here in Nashville, I will be there with bells on. Orange bells at that.

5. Digital Cameras and Our Beautiful Country
I remember the days of non-digital cameras when I was (briefly) a photography minor and a photographer for our school paper. And I remember the anguish of ruining roll after roll of film while trying to process them in a dark room. And I remember the disappointment in crappy photo after crappy photo on those rolls that I didn't ruin. But no more! Go ahead - take a hundred pictures! Delete the ones that suck! Take more! Upload them to Flickr! Life is good!

So behold - vacation picture highlights! I did not include pictures of Las Vegas - only of Red Rock Canyon. I didn't actually take that many pictures of Las Vegas for some reason (no, I was not drunk) and the ones I did take are mostly of people's faces. And I have a pact with those people. It isn't "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," but rather, "My picture shows up on your damn Facebook page - your picture goes on my blog." So, unless someone violates that pact, I give you only pictures of beautiful rocks and desert plants.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Old Joke

2009-11-30T10:30:00.006-06:00

I know I'm getting older. It's not a secret. I still look fairly young for my age and for that I am thankful. And apparently that's all I should be thankful for since I've recently learned I'm old enough that no longer will anyone contradict me when I joke about my age.

Conversation One - Las Vegas Casino

Friend (who was constantly on the lookout for / trying to pimp me out to cute boys he spotted): "Look! Sailors! That little blond one is cute - you should go talk to him."

Me: "He is cute, but I think I'm old enough to be his mother."

--- Crickets ---

Me (pretending to be Friend): "Oh no, Gert - NO WAY! You're not that old!"

Friend: "Oh. Sorry. Was I supposed to have said something?"

Conversation Two - My Mother and Stepfather's House

Mother (while we were watching an interview show with various new UT football coaches - most of whom are ridiculously young): "That's the Quarterback Coach!? What is he - 12?!"

Stepfather: "I think so. And what's Lane Kiffin [new head coach] - 34?"

Me: "Yeah. I think I'm older than everyone on the coaching staff except Monte Kiffin!" [Lane Kiffin's dad, who's like 70]

--- Crickets ---

Me (pretending to be parents): "Oh no, Gert - NO WAY! You're not that old!"

Stepfather: "Oh. Sorry. Was I supposed to have said something?"

Week in Review - Learning Las Vegas

2009-11-23T14:48:00.004-06:00

So, on those lists everyone makes of places they'd like to go, you know, "Before I Die," "If I had all the Money in the World," "Just to Say I've Been," "Because George Clooney has a House There," etc., Las Vegas has been on... well... lets just say it's never been on any lists of any places I'd like to go under any circumstances. But I have friends who love to go there and they twisted my arm. Actually, they didn't really twist my arm so much as I'm a sucker for peer pressure...

But you know what? It was so much fun!

I even learned some things. And who goes to Vegas to learn stuff?? Anyway... I wasn't there for a whole week, but nothing else happened the other three days, so here's my Top Five - Vegas Edition:

1. Clowns: Still Creepy
I saw a Cirque du Soleil show - which I also wasn't sure I would enjoy, but did. My fear was that there would be clowns and mimes. And I DO NOT enjoy clowns or mimes. There was a bit of that, and it was indeed dreadful, but I got over it. The rest of the show was too amazing to be put off by them for too long. If you happen to be in Las Vegas and can go and see "O" (the one with the water), it is worth every penny.

2. Adding is not My Thing
I learned to play Black Jack. Well, I sort of learned and then sat between two friends who know how to play and would knee me under the table whenever I did something wrong. We played for a few hours at one table and the same two dealers kept switching back and forth every 20 or 30 minutes. One would add up your cards for you as he dealt and one wouldn't. I'll let you guess as to which dealer I tipped more. At one point I was up $100. And then lost it. But I broke even with my gambling money overall for the weekend, so I considered that a win.

3. I Can Still Find a Way to Be a Geek, Even in Vegas
One morning we were lounging around the hotel room and one of my friends was flipping through one of those visitor bureau magazines they have free in the hotel and said, "here's five dollars off admission to Bodies the Exhibition - what's that?" I jumped up from my knitting (yes, I did bring my knitting to Las Vegas), startling the others with my excitement. I've been wanting to see this exhibit so badly and the closest it's coming to Nashville is Cincinnati and Atlanta. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get someone to take a road trip with you when you start the conversation, "Hey! Wanna drive four hours to go see an exhibit of perfectly preserved cadavers?!" Needless to say, no one else in the room really wanted to see it either - even though it was only in the hotel across the street - so that afternoon I went by myself. And it was fantastic. Again, worth every penny. If for no other reason than you can regale your travelling companions over dinner with phrases like "do you know how big our liver is?" Or, "and then there was a case with just someones skin..."

4. Vegas May Have Been More Fun Than I Thought, but Some of It Was Just as Icky as I Imagined
I have this theory that you could ban all signage and advertising for strip clubs, peep shows and whore houses and financially they would do just fine because, really, if someone wants to partake in that kind of thing, they're going to find your establishment even if you don't have a giant hot pink and purple tacky neon arrow sign pointing them in the right direction. And they will certainly find their way without you lining the sidewalks of Las Vegas with people shaking fliers and coupons at them as they walk by. Turns out these people lining the sidewalks are not allowed to touch you, so they do this weird flicking thing with their fliers as they shove them in front of your face. They may not have been allowed to touch me, but there was more than one occasion where I wanted my elbow to make contact with a few of their noses.

5. It is the Land of Extremes
Everything there is bigger, longer, faster, taller, flashier and crazier. You don't just get a margarita. You get a guava mango margarita. In a three-foot tall glass. That you can drink while you're waiting in line for a thrill ride. But not just any thrill ride. One at the top of a 110-story building. And then you can continue drinking your margarita while walking down the street or shopping in the mini-market on the way back to your hotel room which you can only get to by going around the 20-foot gold-leafed lion statue, through the giant casino and past eight different restaurants and bars - from Wolfgang Puck's to McDonald's to something blaring club music where the waitresses dance on the bar every so often in leather miniskirts. Literally, the walk from my room to the Bodies exhibit in the hotel across the street took a solid thirty minutes. Madness.

Even nature is extreme there. We went hiking one day in Red Rock Canyon and it was amazing. Plants growing in a little crack in a rock. Mountains just jutting straight up out of the earth - no rolling foothills like I'm used to. In the sun it was hot and you were sweating and spraying yourself down with sunscreen, but step two feet into the shade and you were shivering and had to put a jacket on. Also, the desert is extremely dry. Did you know that? My now really chapped lips (and nose and ears and sinuses) were a bit in denial, apparently.

Anyway... All-in-all I give Las Vegas two very tired and chapped and poor (but happy!) thumbs-up.

Gratitude

2009-11-16T11:15:00.011-06:00

Dear Mr. Manning,

Thank you for salvaging what had been a disappointing weekend of football.

(Yes, I know the Titans won, but it didn't make up for the beating that Tennessee's original football team received from Ole Miss on Saturday.)

It is true that you are not the prettiest quarterback in history. But I think you're lovely just the same.

On behalf of my fellow orange-blooded Volunteers, congratulations.

Love,
Gert

Week in Review - FOR MELISSA

2009-11-13T14:42:00.000-06:00

Jeez - you make one declaration that you're going to make weekly posts and then some people start to expect it...

1. An Explanation

Some of you have wondered about my disdain for Elmo. Well, his high-pitched baby-talk is annoying and the fact that they now devote a third of the show to him is even more so. (Yes, if I am home sick I enjoy watching Sesame Street. Or used to...) Besides, what the hell was ever wrong with Grover, people!? Well, earlier this week NPR explained it all. To compete with the onslaught of annoyingly-voiced kids show stars around that time, Sesame Street had to come up with something to go up against the likes of Barney. And that's what they created. And I realized in that moment that is precisely why I dislike him. He's a tiny, furry, red Barney.

2. Grass is Always Greener

It was inevitable, really. Prior to the Great Gutting of Gert's Living Room 2008-09 I had a small, unpaid, part-time job reading design, decorating and architecture magazines and websites. I also constantly suffered from house envy. But once the GGGLR began (Hmmm, pronounce that acronym and it sounds like someone drowning. Coincidence?) I really had no desire to read how easy it is to hang crown molding or recover an antique chair with vintage curtains you find at the flea market.

Well, now that GGGLR is mostly complete, I have dipped my toe back into the glossy pages and interwebs and damn if my house envy isn't back. One of my favorite websites for this is Apartment Therapy. Why "Apartment" Therapy I do not know, because it's mostly small houses. Small, real houses where real people live. And this week there it was - my newest victim of house envy. A restored bungalow with the perfect mixture of craftsman, mid-century and art deco furniture. Comfy rooms in earthy colors where nothing is overly matched but it all just sort of goes together. My favorite was the busy, hodge-podge kitchen that looks like people actually cook in it. And that pot rack? Fantastic. If Marie had only seen this, she could have found a use for Jess's coffee table and let him keep it.*

3. Groundhog Day? Please?

Most of this week was just irritating as all hell. Nothing horribly bad. Just annoying. Tuesday especially. Because the only thing better than over-sleeping and running out the door dressed like an eight year old boy, is doing so with wet hair AND meeting your neighbor's new - and cute - housemate who is friendly and wants to chat while you're running late and look like a drowned rat / eight year old boy.

Then there was much website drama at work that afternoon. Which I handled oh-so maturely by sending my boss an email at 4:59 explaining said drama and then promptly turned off my computer and ran from the building like a big fat chicken...

Where I then got into my car and drove to my father's house so we could divide up all of the furniture and such that my grandmother didn't want to take to her new apartment. And of course that all devolved into drama - as these things often do when people transfer years of feelings and emotions onto inanimate objects instead of dealing with them like mature adults.

So yeah. A do-over for Tuesday would have been nice.

4. A New Low

So here I am on a Friday night babysitting and I just finished reading the new Vanity Fair with Robert Pattinson on the cover. I am officially 12. But, can I just say... yum! I have some friends, who will remain nameless (because they are big perverts!) who think that Taylor Lautner - the other male lead in the Twilight movies - is rather nice (and 17!). Well, they can have their buff, tan, shirtless (and underage!) wolf-boy. I will take a pale, scruffy-faced, messy-haired, vampire-man in a cable-knit sweater and wool pea coat over that any damn day. We're drawing names for Christmas gifts in my family this weekend and to the person who gets my name - I will gladly take enlarged prints of any of these so I can like totally frame them and like hang them in my locker...

5. Tumbling Down

So Monday was the 20th anniversary of the demise of the Berlin Wall. One of my very dearest friends grew up in what was once East Germany so it gave me a tangible reason to think about this event off and on throughout the week. Way more than I probably would have otherwise. And it made me realize how different our lives might be now if it hadn't happened. And how world-changing events don't just affect the big picture, they affect things and people on a much smaller scale for years and years after. And how all of us - no matter where or how we grew up - really aren't all that different when you get down to it. So Claudia, if the Wall coming down means, if nothing else, that I now get to enjoy a cup of coffee and/or a glass of wine with you every few days, then for that I am thankful. Happy Anniversary.

* If someone (other than Katie!) knows what I'm referring to, then you get a gold star in your pop culture crown.

The Loneliest Number

2009-11-09T11:51:00.008-06:00

Imagine my surprise when I turned on my computer this morning to discover that today is Lost Sock Memorial Day.

Totally makes me feel better about the fact that I have on two different brown trouser socks today.

Originally I blamed it on it being Monday and me being lazy and a poor housekeeper.

Turns out I'm just doing my part to celebrate one of our lesser-known holidays.

My guess is that the majority of my lost socks are probably the result of being herded into and then buried in the back yard by the Evil Genius.

Perhaps that is what has happened to all lost socks.

If so, I plan to market her as the "Great Pumpkin" of Lost Sock Memorial Day and use the money to pay for a dog psychologist.

And of course, more socks.

Happy Monday!

Credit to The Pigeon Club of NYC for the image. Don't know what the heck lost socks have to do with Pigeon appreciation, but it is a cute picture. Unless... maybe there are sock-stealing pigeons in New York? Elsie may have competition...

Week in Review - Harvest Moons and Other Things

2009-11-06T12:27:00.010-06:00

The work never ends, no? I think I've given up on anything more than a weekly post. If that. Perhaps one day I'll be more organized. Until then...

1. From 60 Minutes to Morning Edition

My conference last week went really well but was exhausting. I got home on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday afternoon I fell asleep on the couch and woke up 12 hours later. Feeling much better now.

2. A Study in Contrast

The bad thing about fall and the time change is that it's dark when I come home from work. However, to lessen the blow, the moon has been gracious and kind and absolutely stunning every night on my drive home. Earlier in the week Green Girl in Wisconsin posted a gorgeous picture of the moon from her back yard. The views from my neighborhood haven't been quite this picturesque, but I like them nonetheless. So I give you - "Moon Over East Nashville Liquor Store through a Dirty Windshield":

The moon is the blurry orangish blob in the middle of the picture. But that liquor store has a shelf in the back where you can choose any three bottles of wine for $20.

3. Stitch and Bitch

I'm learning how to knit. So far the results are less than spectacular, but I've only done it once. I don't have a whole lot of time to spend knitting but then I realized that in a couple of weeks I am taking a short trip to Las Vegas and was all excited that I could take my knitting with me on the plane. Then I thought, "knitting on the way to Las Vegas? I mean, why don't I also get a giant plastic sunvisor, a bedazzled Wayne Newton t-shirt, some knee-highs to wear with my black sandals, and an enormous white pleather purse to carry all my tokens for the slots in..."

It would be the next nail in my Tragic Spinster coffin that I'm not quiiiite ready for yet. But I'll probably still do it anyway...

4. Road Trip!

Two friends of mine and I are headed to Knoxville this weekend to watch the Tennessee / Memphis game. Neither of them have ever been to a Tennessee game, so it should be a good time. Especially if we play like we did last week. Oh yeah, that's right - have I not mentioned the spectacular beat-down we gave to Steve Spurrier and his South Carolina Gamecocks last week? I will only repeat: spec-frickin-tacular.

5. Happy Birthday Sesame Street!

I have loved you my entire life. Except Elmo. May you have another wonderful 40 years!

Miscellaneous Nonsense

2009-10-28T20:58:00.006-05:00

1. Overheard at a Conference:
My boss injured herself yesterday while we are out of town at a conference. It's not severe by any means. Granted, not enough to keep her completely out of commission and out of my hair but not so little that she is able to take care of herself. One of our conversations today went something like this [with commentary added]:

Her: I found out where there's a Walgreens. Its only on the other side of town. Can you go there [even though I've already rattled off a list as long as my arm for other things for you to do that don't involve extracting your car from the bowels of the hotel parking garage and driving around a city you don't live in] and get me some crutches?

Me: Sure.

Her: I wish I had an ice pack too. But without any ice.

Me: Well, actually they make those.

Her: I know. But they don't work. And they're only hot.

Me: I've used some that work well. Some are hot. But they make some that are also cold.

Her: I don't think they'll work.

Me: Do you still want me to get you some?

Her: I guess.

------------------------------ four hours later -----------------------------

Her: Are you busy? [Like other than the 12 hours you just worked]

Me: I have to run out to pick up more name tags. Do you need something?

Her: Well, those cold packs were fabulous. Can you get me some more. [Oh yeah - and by the way you were totally right.]

2. The Patrick Dempsey Effect
I am now thankfully sitting in my pajamas, slowly digesting the room service dinner I just snarfed down and watching a marathon of Bones on TNT. And the most pressing question of the day... Has David Borneas always been this cute? 'Cause I remember him from Buffy and Angel commercials and my reaction was always, "meh." But now on Bones? Damn adorable.

3. Car Lag
I have trouble adjusting to other time zones. It's just one hour this time and its soundly kicking my ass. You should have seen me the time I flew to London. I almost fell asleep on the tube and have no real recollection of the first day and a half there other than what is in the pictures I took. Just a couple more days and then I will be back on good ole Central Standard Time. Oh but wait - then daylight savings time starts. Gah!

4. Many Happy Returns of the Day
Today is Katie's Birthday! Hooray!

5. Good Night
Flannel snowflake jammies, hotel cable, and a bed I don't have to make in the morning or kick two dogs off of means I am going to stop typing now and enjoy it.

Week in Review: Looking for the Good News

2009-10-25T19:53:00.004-05:00

1. The thing making the rattly noise under my car finally fell off. Not sure if that's good news or not. Probably not.

2. My grandmother moved to town this weekend and into a retirement facility. That is a good news. She grew up here, but had lived in the same town in East Tennessee since 1945 and in the same apartment in that town since 1976. So yeah, the rest of that story is not so good news. Eventually it will all be fine, but right now its sorta sucky.

3. On Saturday we literally came within seconds and inches of upsetting the number one team and our greatest rival. The good news is that it was a great game and we dominated Alabama in almost everything. One area we could apparently use some help in, however, is feeding our defensive linemen. The Alabama player responsible for blocking the two field goals that won the game for them was (to quote an announcer) "one biscuit shy of 300 pounds."

The bad news is that within the span of five minutes football time / thirty minutes actual time my emotions went from:

disappointed ("Looks like we're going to lose.")
to surprised ("Fumble! He fumbled! Tennessee recovered!")
to shocked ("Touchdown! We scored a touchdown!")
to sceptical ("The only chance we have to win is to recover an onside kick. That never works. And when you have one of the worst special teams in the country it's definitely not going to work.")
to awestruck ("Wegottheball! Wegottheball!")
to hopeful ("If we can just get within field goal range we can win this game.")
to anxious and pacing ("Pleasemakeitpleasemakeitpleasemakeit.")
to devastated ("That giant man blocked it again.")

And not only is this hard on your system, but the last time I experience such a wide range of emotions like this I had to be medicated.

4. I went to drown my post-game sorrow at Target. I grabbed a cart and a Diet Coke from the cooler as I came in and expected to pick up a few essentials that I would eventually need, a few items that I could really live without and a bag of candy corn that is somewhere in between. But nothing helped. Even my Diet Coke didn't taste good. I got through all of the aisles and back around to the checkout area and my cart was still empty. Which I guess was good news. Only I still had to pay for my Diet Coke. So I pulled up to a cash register with my empty cart and my half-empty beverage and the cashier burst into giggles, shook her head at me and said "All that potential and all you have to show for it is a Diet Coke. That's just shameful." Mocked by the Target cashier. Not good news.

5. I am currently half-lying on the couch while I type this and watching Amazing Race. I am annoyed (is that girl really not going down the damn water slide? What dumb-ass auditions for Amazing Race if they are afraid of water AND heights...). I am also exhausted and have a stomach ache from spending the last twelve hours driving to my grandmother's and back with my brother while we bitched about the game, sucked down waaaaay too much coffee and ate extremely shitty food. Tomorrow I have to get up early to find out how serious the once-rattly thing under my car is and then on Tuesday I have to go back to the other end of the state I drove to today and spend the rest of the week there for work. I'm trying to find the good news in there, but right now it's not working. I think I'm going to fully lie down now, feel sorry for myself and either watch British people solve a mystery or Eli Manning play football until I feel better and/or less pitiful.

See you next week.

Ain't No Place I'd Rather Be

2009-10-19T11:58:00.017-05:00

"In the East, college football is a cultural exercise;
On the West Coast, it is a tourist attraction;
In the Midwest, it is cannibalism;
But in the South, it is religion."

- Marino "Godfather" Casem

"If you live in Tennessee or Alabama,
there are two rules to live by:
Don't get married on the third Saturday in October,
and try not to die -
because in either case, the preacher might not show."

- Beano Cook

These thoughts might explain why I treat the fall with the same level of discipline and reverence, if not more so, than Lent and why I consider this week to be the college football equivalent of Holy Week (sorry, Jesus). Sure, we've got other games after this week, but - as you've heard me mention a million times before - this is the week leading to the Third Saturday in October. It's the 92nd meeting of the universities of Tennessee and Alabama. This is the epitome of SEC football - and one of the all-time greatest rivalries in all of college football.

The first game was played in 1901 and ended in a 6-6 tie when the fans stormed the field to protest a call by the officials and started a small riot.

The civility has not improved in the years since.

I was once at a game where fans nearly went over the wall after two Alabama players who were warming up on the field while Tennessee's Pride of the Southland Marching Band was performing the end of their halftime show. People screamed and yelled at the players to get off the field. An official came and told them to get off the field. They did. The official walked off. The players sauntered back onto the field and started tossing the ball around over the heads of some band members. People went completely ballistic. I was suddenly torn between fearing for the two players' lives and really hoping a Sousaphone player would just swing around and take one of them out.

That said, I don't despise Alabama like I do Florida. I don't dread the feeling of losing to Alabama like I do when we lose to Florida. I want the Alabama game to be a bloodbath of Roman Colosseum proportions on the field and a gracious handshake when its all over that honors the tradition we all just participated in. Whereas Florida... even if they win, I want those Gators to have suffered so miserably for four quarters that they cry on camera during the post-game press conference.

The Florida game is played in early September when its still hot and humid as all hell, just adding to the dank and icky feeling you have about the whole event. In contrast, you can't find a prettier setting for a football game than Knoxville in October (Tuscaloosa isn't too bad either, I hear). The days are crisp and cool and sunny and the maple trees all agree in the importance of the game as they've all turned into the teams' colors of crimson and orange by this time. It is college football at its finest.

(It's actually been a lot more than cool and crisp here - poor Oliver's been hiding under quilts and blankets. I assume it's because he's cold, but it could be that he's knows what week this is and is afraid that I'll dress him in orange again...)

The game is back on national TV this year, as God intended (CBS 2:30c / 3:30e). The weather for Saturday afternoon in Tuscaloosa is supposed to be 62 and sunny. Alabama is currently ranked #1 and I don't have any real expectation of winning - but you never know. Stranger things have happened. Speaking of strange... I'll end with my pick for this week's Hail Mary Haiku contest over at Rocky Top Talk. An homage to Japanese poetry, the Grateful Dead, and a great college football tradition. Nice.

We will survive the

Alabama Getaway

signed, Tennessee Jed

GO VOLS!

Top Five List - Week in Review

2009-10-08T09:53:00.020-05:00

1. Everything is Relative
Nobel Peace Prize, huh? Interesting. Bono is probably like, "dude, I totally have to have a shot at this now." Not that I'm saying Barack isn't worthy, or that Bono wouldn't be either for that matter, but it was all a bit surprising. Most surprising is that part of the reason he was awarded this was just because he put forth the idea (just the idea!) that if the US is going to be a world leader it should maybe be a partner with our allies and be leading with the policies they can all agree on. Fancy that. My idealist side is all warm and fuzzy thinking that maybe world peace is somewhat achievable if we break it down into simple things like this. But then my snarky pessimistic side pipes up and says "gee, what a seriously fucked-up eight years we all just lived through if this is a revolutionary concept."

But back to warm and fuzzy...

2. Dying from all the adorable
Anyone watch Jim and Pam get married on The Office last night? What a roller-coastery ride of squirm-inducing embarrassment and swoon-worthy cuteness. That Jim Halpert. I love him. And, thanks to Katie, I even have the magnetized note pad on my refrigerator to prove it. And, if fictional Jim and Pam weren't adorable enough, the real John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer are pretty damn adorable too. Video proof here.

And while I was watching...

3. Chipped
I am missing part of the girlie chip in my brain. I think I have half of it. If I'm lucky. It makes me that weird species known as Tomboy in a Dress. The kind that remembers who designed the gown Sarah Jessica Parker wore to the 2005 Emmy's, but can also tell you how many touchdown passes Peyton Manning threw last year. The kind that is a shoe/purse whore, but can't stand the color pink. The kind that always wants her toenails painted pretty colors, but can't stand for her fingernails to be painted.

And thus my point... I actually have pretty, girlie fingernails that other, more girlie-girls like to fawn over. But alas, they are attached to ugly tomboy fingers and hands. And I hate to have them painted. Occasionally though (like last night, while I was watching The Office) when I have purchased a new bottle of nail polish and am painting my toes I think "I have nice fingernails, maybe I'll paint them." And then I do. And then it dries. And then I think "Lord. This looks like someone put fake nails on Vienna sausages." And then I take it off. So that all happened last night EXCEPT I couldn't find my fingernail polish remover. So here I sit today. Typing with nicely polished nails. Well, not really, as I am also not a graceful girl and have already managed to chip three of them. Gah!

But speaking of Peyton Manning...

4. Pretty is as Pretty Does
I have a group of friends who enjoys harassing me over - well, over a lot of things - but often over the fact that I do not find Tom Brady attractive. I'm sorry. Shoot me. He's just not my cup of tea. I happen to believe that in the world of NFL quarterbacks, you fall into one of two camps - Bradys or Mannings. Being a good, red-blooded Southern, SEC football-loving girl, I am squarely in the Manning camp. I don't really find Peyton "hot" per se, but that Eli is a cutie. Regardless, I can't just go by "hotness" alone. There has to be some substance there behind any said hotness. And not only do I not find Mr. Brady to be hot, I also just don't find much else there to work with. So, whereas neither Manning boy may be of Greek God status, their personalities make them much more attractive to me.

So, this same group of friends at dinner this week launched into me again about my dislike of Tom Brady and then challenged me with "well then who DO you think is hot? Give us a top five." And you know - it was hard. The first two were easy, George Clooney and Johnny Depp. And then I stalled. And then thankfully someone changed the subject. Because again, it's not just about being pretty. I mean, I could have added Jude Law to that list because, mercy, that is a pretty man. But even if you believe a fraction of what you read about him in People magazine? Ew. Ick. David Beckham? Also rather hot, but have you heard him speak? And seen his wife? Total detractors for me. If we'd finished the list I would have added Colin Firth - but really, is he "hot?" I don't know. I love him. John Cusack? Hot? Perhaps. But definitely on my list. Rounding out the top five would have been Dave Grohl. Also, definitely not traditionally hot, but I do so love him. So very much.

Which brings me to...

5. Sibling Text Message Theater
Dave Grohl played in Nashville on Monday night. Not with the Foo Fighters or the surviving members of Nirvana. Or even Will Ferrell. It was some other ensemble. I did not go, but a friend did. And it turns out they played at a venue where my brother works. Said friend ran into said brother and they chatted while having a smoke. Turns out my brother MET DAVE GROHL backstage! Shortly after learning this bit of information I turned to the trusty qwerty keyboard on my phone:

Me: Just saw Melissa. DUDE! You met Dave Grohl!?

Brother: How's her foot?

Me: Little better. I REPEAT - DUDE! You met Dave Grohl?! WTF!!!!!

Brother: It's not like we had lunch.

Me: BUT STILL! I love him. Was he nice? What was he wearing? What did he say? What did you say?

Brother: He was cool. He said he was looking for a short, dark-haired, single girl he could spend Saturdays watching UT football games with. I said I didn't know any.

And that was the week that was. Happy Friday.

Breaking for Cuteness

2009-09-30T10:57:00.008-05:00

I am behind on posting. Again. Such is life.

But... what better way to pay restitution than with cute baby pictures, right?

I know, I know, nothing tops dogs in scarves and football jerseys, but bear with me...

Like a month ago I babysat my niece while my brother went to the first game of the season. She and I had a grand time. We went for a stroll - once on foot and once in a stroller. Then we set up an obstacle course in the living room with stuffed animals and drove the stroller around them. Then we decided it would be way more fun if drove over the stuffed animals with the stroller, and boy howdy, was that ever hilarious.

Then she just hung out in the stroller because apparently its comfy.

We watched a lot more football that day than any toddler should be allowed, but I think it was educational. She learned to clap on first down and when boys in orange jerseys got knocked down she would say "uh-oh" and cover her eyes. Fast learner, that one. After watching the three games after that, I'd say "uh-oh" might just cover our season as a whole. We'll see. I'm trying to have faith.

But really, how could you not want to win with such an adorable fan? Am I right?

She looks so much like my brother in this last picture it's almost disturbing. I kept expecting her to finish that look by rolling her eyes and calling me a butt-head.

Happy Wednesday. Go Vols.

Not Just Any 'Ole Friday

2009-09-18T09:55:00.008-05:00

Yesterday was Responsible Dog Owner Day according to my Google iPage (and you know how much I love to consult it for All Things Useful and Important).

Tomorrow is the Tennessee-Florida game.

So (in case you were wondering) that makes today Somewhat Irresponsible Dog Owner / Dear God You Know How Much The World Despises Those Web-Footed Swamp-Sucking Cretins So Could You PleasePleasePlease Find It Within Your Power To Make My Boys In Orange Play Well Enough To Win Or At Least Well Enough Not To Suck As Much As They Did Last Week Day.

And to celebrate this auspicious occasion. I give you (once again) dogs in festive orange outfits:

Elsie and Oliver ask that you send help and/or let them know when it's basketball season.

Go Vols!

Top Five Target Tidbits

2009-09-08T20:55:00.005-05:00

1. If you decide to wear your red golf shirt and khaki capri pants, you should probably think twice about going to Target after work unless you want to be stopped and asked lots of questions. The fact that I knew the answers to all of their questions didn't help much.

2. I know that there's a recession if Target still has the exact same selection of dog collars as this time last year. The selection last week at Petsmart was lame as well. The dogs need back-to-school collars, dammit. What's a girl to do?

3. Disappointment over the lack of dog collar selection can be immediately mitigated by rounding the corner and discovering a giant display of candy corn.

4. I managed to get everything I needed (plus a cute pair of ballet flats) and was only $2.17 over my monthly Target budget. I was all impressed with myself since I had estimated the total in my head as I went and only had to put back one t-shirt before I got in the check-out lane. On the way home I remembered I had a calculator on my cell phone and could have added it all up and maybe put back the bag of candy corn as well. But who are we kidding...

5. Considering that I was more appropriately dressed to work at Target - and more helpful too, I might add - than the person who rang up my items (hot pink is not red, young lady) they probably could have paid me a few bucks for the time I spent there. Like maybe $2.17 or so...

What I Learned This Summer Part Five

2009-09-04T00:07:00.003-05:00

5. Baseball and Shakespeare Just Don't Cut it

I love the romance and tradition of our American Pastime. It's so unlike our other big sports and that's part of what I love. You stand around and chat a lot. You can chew gum. You go inside if it rains. You play until you're done. None of this running around to beat the clock business. It's almost zen-like. Even more so with a cold beer. It's good.

And I love Shakespeare. I especially love it performed on a hopefully not-quite-so-muggy-but-who-are-we-kidding-here August evening, in a park, sitting on a blanket with snacks and a bottle of wine and good friends. I love that a group of local actors get together every summer and pull off a major feat of memorization and creativity and all you have to do to see it is show up and toss a donation into a bucket.

Baseball and Shakespeare in the Park. These are both great and wondrous things.

But they're not college football.

I try. I try so hard to love these quintessential summertime traditions. And I do love them. But the heart wants what it wants and my whole body literally twitches with anticipation at every scrimmage report, recruiting update, release of pre-season rankings and press conferences to put to rest what color our uniforms are going to be.

No, I'm not kidding.

There were rampant reports at one point this summer that we would be changing to black uniforms. I was all, "Really?! Is it not enough we have a new head coach who looks and dresses and runs his damn mouth like some cocky little 13 year-old? Is the plan to completely do away with everything else that is good and holy now too? Are you trying to kill me? Black uniforms? While we're at it, why don't we just send poor Smokey to the pound and get some slobbery bulldog or some stupid rooster to be our mascot instead. Or better yet, why don't we just eliminate all of our traditions in one fail swoop and at the first game drag ole Davy Crockett out to the 50 yard line and shoot him with his musket."

Honestly. There was a difficult day in July when I really thought my head might explode...

Good thing it all turned out to be a rumor, huh. It's been a sensitive summer in Big Orange Country.

The best moment of the summer though, came from my Google Reader. I have a special section on it for UT football blogs and news feeds. I try to ignore the little tab at the bottom of my computer screen as I'm working as it's updating the total number of stories I have waiting for me (there are sections for legitimate news too!). Usually it just increases one or two every few minutes unless something big happens. The other day I glanced down and watched as the story count jumped by 6 or so. Then by another 5. And then another 5. I kind of panicked thinking some big, world event had occurred or another celebrity had died.

So I opened the tab. All the new stories were in the UT Football section. The cause: the new Jumbotron at the stadium was almost completely up and they were running test pictures. People were taking photos of it from the street with their cell phones and posting it to their blogs. Hilarious. I shook my head in amusement as I opened the first few.

Then there was a post with the picture of one of the screens that contained two words - a play on our famous saying, "It's football time in Tennessee!" that is shouted by 107,000+ at the beginning of every game (and by several hundred other thousand in front of their TVs and radios).

The screen simply read, "It's Time," (spelled with the Power T, of course). Don't know the marketing team behind that bit of genius, but it perfectly sums up the end of a long summer, the hope of a new season and the promise of a new era.

Cocky new coaches and rumors of black uniforms be damned, I have to admit I got a little goose-bumpy.

And I'm not the only one. The caption under the photo read, "Amen."

Amen, indeed.

Here's to the official end of summer. And, of course, GO VOLS!

A Brief Intermission

2009-09-03T11:09:00.012-05:00

Even a Summer School Recap needs a break, right?

So I interrupt your regularly-scheduled programming because I accidentally ended up with a cute outfit today.

No, really, that's why.

That and I am completely unmotivated about the actual work I have to get done.

I really don't like summer clothes, so by August I've inevitably slipped into the very bad habit of just reaching into the closet (or the clean pile of laundry) and pulling out a pair of pants (occassionally a skirt) and then a top of some sort. Usually they go together. I don't often have to interact with people face-to-face at my job so if they happen not to go together so much it really doesn't matter. I will receive disapproving looks from the coffee house barista - but really, that's going to happen no matter what I wear...

Anyway... It's raining out and I finally unearthed my favorite umbrella from the boxes of stuff in my house and I'm accidentally feeling a tiny bit Charlotte York-ish today so I thought I'd share:

Black wrap top from the Gap that looks like this, but actually has a tiny ruffle along the edge (gasp).

Plain, go-to, wide-leg, khaki chinos. Flat-front, of course. From Eddie Bauer. I know, Charlotte would probably never be caught dead in a pair of chinos. Or anything from Eddie Bauer. Or the Gap, for that matter. Let's pretend.

Black wedge-heel sandals. Nine West.
Very cool, tan, suede cross-body bag that my mother bought for me in Italy. It has a red lining and smells delicious. And I loooove it. It's slightly different than in this picture, and a much lighter tan, but this is close enough...

And last, but not least. My burberry plaid umbrella.

Not the brand, Burberry, with a capital B because - holy hell - do you have any idea how much that would cost?!? It is Bauer with a capital B, as in Eddie. Again, like the chinos, Charlotte would probably be appalled. I did take a gander at a real Burberry umbrella once at Bloomingdale's in New York, just to compare. I nearly fainted. Mine is still really cute though. I'm one of those weirdos that likes rainy days. This makes them even better.

That is all. As you were.

What I Learned This Summer - Part Four

2009-09-02T11:58:00.001-05:00

Sometimes Stating the Obvious Really is Helpful. Oh, and, Feng Shui Totally Works:

I've been griping about my job for some time now. Nothing official, just usually over cocktails or coffee or when some unsuspecting person asks "how's work?" Anyway... a friend sent me a link to one of those personality tests (kind of Myers Briggs-ish, if you're familiar with that sort of thing) and at the end of it you could see what jobs were well-suited for your personality type.

The result: Apparently I'm an empathetic, critically-thinking, introvert who is well-suited for a job in natural resource education. (Or a lawyer or a computer programmer, but neither of those things are going to happen...)

Good. To. Know.

At first I got a big kick out of it, but then it was kind of comforting to know that despite all of the worrying and whining and feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly all of the time, I probably am on the right track. I just need a better train compartment.

Or something else in that metaphor that makes sense....

So I decided to say so. Very officially and out loud. With feeling. And then I felt bad for doing so because, you know, I do have a job already whereas many of my friends do not - or did not for a brief time. But I said it and it was out there.

I also said this around the time that my house was finally being put back together and was once again livable - briefly a couple of unfortunate shades of paint, but that's been fixed now too. And I'm a firm believer in Feng Shui. That disordered and cluttered homes make for a disordered and cluttered lives. Now, I am very messy. I don't want to be, but I am. But I'm a highly organized messy and even in my messiness, one can see that there is usually a rhyme and a reason and there's good flow. Or chi, if you will. And my house, for like a year, has had some seriously bad chi issues.

As I recall, a friend took to calling it Shawshank...

But as soon as there was a turning point in the chaos at the blueberry cottage, there seemed to be a turning point in me. And so with the confidence that only comes with new drywall, apparently, I declared my allegiance to this current job over. Finito. I am done. I won't be leaving until something appropriate comes along, but I felt the need to announce it officially to the universe.

And you know what, within a couple of days I'd sent a little email to a professor at a local university about their new graduate school program in sustainability. You know, just to ask a couple of questions. A few days later I'd met with said professor and now it looks like I may be going back to graduate school in the spring.

Then, last week, two friends of mine had a conversation about life and jobs and such and my name was mentioned as a possible person for a project one of them was working on and a day later I'd sent in a resume and some sample work and now I may, possibly, if it all works out, have a new job. Doing what might be the most perfect job for me. Maybe. Possibly. If it all works out.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up and saying that, worst-case-scenario, it's still a sign that this is the right move for me and that there are good options out there and I just need to be patient.

Patient. While I'm obsessively checking my email and cell phone like some girl pathetically waiting for some boy to call her. Patient.

Anyway... when I thought more about it, it seems as though that there are a lot of people around me who've taken a big leap of faith this summer. Much bigger than the one I've taken. They've lost their jobs and come out of it with the inspiration to be teachers. Or quit their jobs to start their own business doing something they love. Or had a baby. Or decided to adopt a baby. Or, like my niece - who is a baby - decided one day that walking might be a fun thing to try. Crazy stuff.

So it's been a big summer of change all around. And it can't just be my new drywall that did it. Somewhere there's some bigger chi at work out there. I don't care, as long as it keeps stirring up good stuff well into the fall.

What I Learned This Summer - Part Three

2009-08-27T12:02:00.008-05:00

Grief is an Odd Feeling. Grief over Celebrities is Odder.

RIP, Michael Jackson. And, not to be crass, but you really lived longer than I thought you would. I don't know who you really were or what you did or didn't do. I do know that when we were kids my brother and I played your music as much as our Star Wars album, so that's saying a lot. And I do know that all of the weirdos wailing in the streets in their supposed sorrow (and I include most of your family in that) yeah, well, they helped to kill you and I hope they figure that out one day.

I will say that I did get a bit choked up, when in the middle of all of the circus that first week of his death, The Simpsons that Sunday simply ran the old episode where he was a guest voice. His character was Homer's roommate in an asylum who thought he was Michael Jackson and helped Bart write a song for Lisa's birthday. It was a sweet gesture and a fitting tribute to the crazy that was his life.

By far the more upsetting celebrity death for me this summer was John Hughes. And it's odd because I have no idea what he was like as a person - even in the way you think you know a celebrity, but really don't. But he was literally responsible for the soundtrack of my adolescence and with his sudden passing I feel like I really, really have to be a grown-up now. It kinda sucks.

Everyone has their favorite John Hughes movie. I, of course, love all of my teen-angst-riddled Molly Ringwald films, but I think his best was Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Silly and absurd, but also still funny and really, just very beautiful to watch. You don't usually get that from a teen comedy. John Hughes had a talent for marrying music and film in a way that isn't cliched but instead make you feel instantly nostalgic for that time in your life. Even if you weren't old enough for that time in your life to have happened yet.

Did that make any sense?

Anyway... when I would read articles about Hughes' death, the scene and the song that kept popping into my head wasn't the "The Thompson Twins and sitting on the dining table with the birthday cake," or "dancing in the school library to 'We Are Not Alone," or "Duckie lip-synching to Otis Redding." Those are all great and rightly have been posted and paid tribute to over and over again. But for me, what kept running through my mind, and what typified John Hughes work was The Art Institute of Chicago and The Smiths.

What I Learned This Summer - Part Two

2009-08-27T11:55:00.008-05:00

2. Always, always - ALWAYS - use test paint:

Every single frickin' room in my house is, or was, in the process of being painted. In two of them I first applied test paint and have ended up with exactly the color that had been floating about in my head.

You know, in my head, the place where I am Martha Stewart and my best friends are Tom Filicia and Nate Berkus. It's all kinds of fun in there...

But, in two of the other rooms I arrogantly taped a couple of paint chips to a wall, declared a winner without much thought and then painted. Only to be horrified at the end result.

In the bedrooms I wanted a nice, coffee-with-a-bit-of-cream colored brown. Not too dark. Not too light. A Goldilocks of brown, if you will. How hard could that be, right? Well, the boys that helped me paint started on one of the bedrooms while I was busy doing something else in another room and were being suspiciously quiet while they worked. After a bit they called me in to look at the color, sounding a bit concerned. And rightly so.

It was pink.

Well, eventually a mauve-ish tan. But all wet and shiny and freshly painted, it was pink. We tried to convince ourselves that it would dry darker and be fine. In reality, I think they knew I was going to hate it, but they were very sweet (and very tall - Summer Lesson Learned Part 2.5 is always get tall boys to help you paint...) and humored me and kept painting anyway. Two days later I went back to the paint store, they added green to the paint, matched it perfectly to the color in my head and I went home and sheepishly re-painted by myself.

Then the bathroom. Oh the bathroom. It needed a muted, robin's egg blue - one of those nice Martha Stewart vintagey shades of aqua. But again... I recklessly painted and then stepped back to take a look, promptly declaring "Aaaaaand now I live in a beach house!" Turquoise. Bright, blinding turquoise. Seriously. Like hang a shrimp net in the corner, find a parrot statue for the back of the toilet and a seashell cover for the box of Kleenex. Lord. Finally though I got it right and now every morning I sigh at how much I love it and how it's finally exactly the right color. Finally.

I bemoaned to Katie about all of this one afternoon and she said that for women, picking paint colors is akin to men's inability to stop and ask for directions. It's something that we believe we should be able to just inherently do without assistance and sometimes we just can't. So true.

It's almost all done now. Well, as done as it's going to get for now. And I will share photos soon.

Until then, in my head, it's happy hour and Tom and Nate and I are enjoying martinis and discussing what fabric to recover my living room chair in, if you'd like to join us.

See you tomorrow.

What I Learned This Summer - Part One. Or....

2009-08-23T20:32:00.015-05:00

The Official Moment Wherein:

My boss goes on vacation
I can see the light at the end of the home renovation tunnel
It's only 7 more days until the start of college football
I recently went to see Julie and Julia so I'm reminded that I should be posting something on my blog so that Nora Ephron will one day find me interesting enough to turn into a movie...

No? Ok, moving on...

So, I've been negligent. But with good reason. Kinda. I've spent most of the summer thinking about what I'd like to be when I grow up, should that moment ever happen. And, when I haven't been doing that, I've been painting and wandering through Lowe Depot and obsessively reading about college football. It's been, like, the least girlie summer in history. But I have learned a lot. So, if anyone out there still remembers me, I give you Part One of the Top Five Lessons from the Summer of 2009:

1. I Suck at Balance:

Mostly I suck at balancing the different areas of my life. I'm always letting one of them consume my time and energy and in doing so let the others sit over in the corner and collect dust. And dog hair. Lots and lots of dog hair. I've always known that I do this, but never before this summer have I realized so clearly how dysfunctional I am about it.

The aforementioned home renovation tunnel prevents me from seeking paid help for my condition so until Dr. Phil starts penning an advice column in This Old House magazine, I'm kind of on my own to figure out how to fix it.

I also physically suck at balance. Startled out of bed a couple of weeks ago - by the producers of the dog hair that's collecting on the areas of my life I can't keep balanced - I stumbled into the living room to assess the identity of the person that must've been trying to break into the house and murder us all to warrant all the frantic damn barking. Turned out it was only a stray dog running loose on our street and in the process of my stumbling I clumsily ran one of my toes directly into the dog gate, breaking it slightly.

Points for irony: knowing that it wasn't an important enough toe (second-to-last on the left foot - a.k.a. the Little Piggy Who Had None) or a severe enough break to warrant a visit to the doctor, I just taped it. But I didn't have any medical tape handy for myself, so I swiped some from the other first aid kit in the house. The dog first aid kit. If one of them sprains a paw running through the house because I've woken them up at 2am over something stupid, then maybe I'll feel badly about it.

More points for irony AND bonus humiliation points: the next day I actually had a doctor's appointment. HOWEVER, let's just say that feet were not her area of specialty but that she did have an opportunity get a good look at my feet and asked what I had done. I told her and she said not to bother seeing a doctor whose area of specialty included feet because "unless you broke it off altogether, all they're going to do is tape it." She offered to re-tape the toe for me but said it looked like I had done a good job. I neglected to mention it was thanks to the dogs' first aid kit.

So, there you go, one lesson down and four to go. Hope you've had a good summer too.

Red Letter Day

2009-06-04T08:11:00.022-05:00

1. According to my trusty iGoogle page it's "Old Maid's Day" AND "Hug Your Cat Day." Ironic, no? I seem to have half of this holiday covered. Good news. Hopefully two neurotic dogs will be adequate substitutes for the rest...

2. Most importantly, however, today marks another birthday. An actual, non-celebrity birthday. The birthday of my dear friend, Todd. It's a milestone birthday and to celebrate he rented a house on the top of a small mountain about an hour outside of Nashville and invited 20 or so friends and family up for this past weekend.

It was this huge, rambling, century-old home full of mismatched furniture, antiques, random mementos and art, sloping wood floors, giant clawfoot tubs with no showers, and an odd assortment of monkey-themed decor that I won't go into, but suffice it to say, all together made quite the fantastic setting. It constantly felt like you were maybe in movie - where everything was just this unique and picture-perfect moment. In fact I did comment that it reminded me of a specific movie with a similar setting and at one point late on Saturday night I believe I drunk-texted Katie to tell her so. Only I forgot that text-to-email messages don't include your name so she had no clue who the hell I was (but really, Katie, who else would text you on a Saturday night to mention a movie that only you, me and ten other people saw)...

Not everyone who came up stayed for both nights - and some just came up for the day on Saturday - so there was always someone new to meet and a different conversation to be part of. Tables scattered about the porch and lawn were constantly full of drinks and snacks and buffets of delicious pasta salad and chicken salad and pimento cheese sandwiches. Martha Stewart would have been proud.

The weather was absolute perfection. I think I spent a total of 30 minutes inside on Saturday (not counting the few hours when I managed to find my bed) and I can't remember the last time that ever happened. There was croquet and cornhole and hula hooping - even an arts and crafts table - and lazing about on an enormous swing on an even more enormous wrap-around porch, or sunning yourself on the edge of the bluff and then watching the sun set over the farms and town in the valley below.

I love that our croquet game came complete with a little table for our cocktails.
Lord knows how much longer the game would have gone on if we'd all had to play one-handed...

My very first game of cornhole. I've resisted this activity because, seriously!?
That has to be the most ridiculous name for a game ever. It is pretty fun though.
And unlike croquet, you play one-handed. Advantage: cornhole.

I try to avoid posting close-ups of friends and family on the interwebs
unless they've given me permission. But that's the birthday boy there
on the right showing us his mad artistic abilities, so I couldn't resist.

Those are well-placed tiki torches there in the foreground.
They marked the edge of the bluff and came in especially handy during a
star-gazing-turned-yard-nap activity late Saturday / early Sunday.

Much like a wedding reception, it was one of those occasions where someone's circles of friends and family converge all in one space. When that happens there is a high risk of it all ending poorly - but it didn't, not in the least - most likely as a testament to the kind of person my friend is. Which is to say he is one of the most genuinely good and wonderful people I know. If this past weekend is any indication, he's in for a great year. And it is well deserved. Happy Birthday.

A Simpler Place in Time

2009-05-28T08:55:00.006-05:00

Happy Birthday today to Gladys Knight. I don't know much about you, Gladys, except that you are responsible for singing one of the greatest songs in the history of the world.

That song is also responsible for one of my favorite moments of Will & Grace. When Will and Grace get a bit sidetracked trying to work up the courage to confess to Sandra Bernhart that they never were interested in buying her apartment and just used it as an excuse to meet her.

It's also one of the many songs my brother and I would sing along to when we were little, standing in front of the fireplace, pretending it was a stage. We often thought we were going to be the next Donnie and Marie. Although on this tune, somehow, I always ended up as a Pip...

I got to spend a lot of time with my brother and my niece this past weekend and at 16 months she's already quite the ham. I see many fireplace hearth-turned-stage productions in her future and hopefully she'll let us at least sing back-up. So Gladys, with any luck, maybe by this time next year I'll be a Pip again.

Happy Birthday.

Today's Inbox

2009-05-27T10:48:00.004-05:00

I just finished doing an online training in Excel for a lovely, but completely exhausting, person I work with who thankfully lives and works in another part of the state.

And in case you were wondering - yes, it is fun spending your morning showing someone who makes twice as much as you how to type words into tiny boxes...

Anyway... I looked up at one point during the call and someone in this office, who could hear the conversation I was having, came and placed this on my desk. A gesture which almost caused me to snort coffee up my nose and into the phone as I was explaining how to adjust column widths.

Going from working for the government to a non-profit required certain sacrifices - like a pension and group health insurance - but at least now there's a liquor cabinet in the kitchen.

Happy Wednesday.

Two Things Destroying / Restoring My Faith in Humanity

2009-05-19T22:37:00.003-05:00

So first, the bad.

I lovingly refer to these two things as The Crap I Didn't Want to Know about in the First Place but It's Been Crammed Down My Throat So Much I Now Feel Compelled to Bitch about It Edition.

1. Dear Miss California and Mr. Trump and Mr. Hilton,

Please. All of you. Shut up. I don't care what any of your opinions are on gay marriage or topless photos or family values or pageant ethics or why the chicken crossed the road. You aren't doing the pageant community, the rich jackass community, or the gay community any favors with your respective bullshit. Besides, none of you seem competent enough to pick out your own earrings, hair pieces or clothing so I don't think you need to be speaking on national television about anything else.

2. Dear Parents on ~~Meercat Manor~~ Jon and Kate Plus 8,

I think I smell me some ratings whores. Reality TV is a fickle thing and you knew the free ride had to end sometime. Instead of creating scandal to get people to pay attention to you, maybe you should just repackage your show/family. Maybe become fundamentalists and have nine more kids. Or - better yet - make your kids design outfits and then have them compete against one another. You could get Perez Hilton to advise them and Miss California and Donald Trump to be the judges.

That I might actually watch.

And now for the good.

The Making Up for General World Crappiness, the Fact That Bluejays Have Been Ravaging My Vegetable Garden, and the Existence of Asshats Like Those Mentioned Above Edition.

1. The Obamas.

Yeah, I know. Yawn. Newsflash - Gert likes the president. But there are days when it just seems like the crappy state of the world just keeps getting crappier and I find myself slipping back into the dark, grouchy place I was in for eight years. But then. Then something happens and I remember that feeling I had back in the fall and the winter and I'm re-inspired. Granted, my re-inspiration may only be enough to kick some bluejay ass, but that'll do.

Arizona State Commencement Speech

Merced Commencement Speech (part 1)

2. OMG OMG OMG.

Glee. Did you watch it? Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Deliberately and un-apologetically cliched and cheesy. Humor, drama, show tunes and my favorite song from 6th grade:

I haven't been this giddy about television since the Jane Austen series on PBS last year. What I didn't know until lunch yesterday, however, was that last night was not the premiere of a series they were going to air this summer, but only a sneak preview at a series for the fall. Tragic, but again, brilliant on the part of Fox because all I'm going to do this summer is remind you to go online and watch it. Aren't you lucky? Seriously, watch it.

Hey, Look at Me -

2009-05-14T16:26:00.005-05:00

I'm a farmer!

The offical count (in case you were wondering)

Eggplants: 1

Tomato plants: 7

Bell Peppers: 7

Lettuce: 4

Zucchini: 3

Yellow Squash: 3

Strawberries: 2

Green beans: 4

Okra: 4

Cucumber: 4

Onions: 4

Basil: 1

Sage: 1

Rosemary: 1

Thyme: 1

Oregano: 1

Bags of soil and compost: 12

Trips to Lowe's and local garden store to get enough bags of dirt: 3

Pulled shoulder muscles from slinging bags of dirt: 1

Displaced garter snakes: 1

Days of rain delay: 11

Days of delay because I was told it was going to rain and it didn't but I'd already made other plans: 3

Neighbor inquires: 3

Mosquito bites: 6

Total number of hours to complete: 8

Total number of vegetables grown: TBD

Movie Monday

2009-05-11T11:00:00.003-05:00

Bring it on, summer....

I hate summer. Have I ever mentioned that? Oh yeah. I have. One of the things that sucks most about summer - one of the greatest ironies in my life - is the summer blockbuster.

I love movies. I love going to the movies. I don't mind paying almost $10 to sit in a darkened theater - even by myself. And when it's 99.99 degrees with 99.99% humidity, my first instinct is to find a nice darkened, chilly room in which to hide. And wouldn't a movie theater fill that bill just perfectly?

Oh but no. No, in the summertime I must suffer under the harsh reality that the movie money is to be made off of the 13-24 year old testosterone-y boys. Boys who want to spend their money watching cars and flames and guns and aliens and cleavage and aliens with guns and/or cleavage.

Now, I'm not against those kinds of movies as a whole. It's just that if I am going to fork over my $10 and find a little air conditioned respite, it would sometimes be nice to find something with a little depth and purpose. But I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Instead I started to wonder - why can we not have the "girlie" version of the summer blockbuster? Because, you know, you can lack depth and purpose without explosives and car chases. It is possible.

Three years ago, my wish was granted by The Devil Wears Prada. I love that movie so very much. Would I have loved it as much if it came out in the middle of November when I have a list of Best Picture Oscar Nominees that I'm trying to find time to see? Maybe not. But that summer it was a godsend. And really - Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci? Not to mention the then-unknown-to-me wonders of Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt (and the extra bonus of Simon Baker)? There was no way it was going to be horrible. Britney Spears could have written and directed and it still would have been worth the ticket price.

So, for this summer - what is the only thing that could be as good as Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt? That would Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci and Amy Adams. In Julie & Julia:

Yes, it looks formulaic. I don't care. Yes, I bet there's a pratfall or two. And an adorably shabby apartment. And a boyfriend in cargo shorts and a t-shirt with some indie rock band on it. And a montage to the tune of a really catchy-yet-ridiculously-obvious song. I don't care. Snarky movie reviewers and mean boys can mock it and call it The Devil Wears an Apron or whatever they want. I don't care. And I can't wait.

In other movie-related nonsense...

MamaPop asks "What was the first movie you saw in the theater?" That's a good question. I don't know exactly what the first movie was, but the first movie I really remember seeing in the theater was Freaky Friday in 1977. I think The Shaggy D.A. may have technically been before that - and probably others as well - but I really remember Freaky Friday. Probably because it was the first movie that wasn't for "little kids." I was in first grade and, I'm sure, wanted to be appreciated for the mature adult I thought I was. I was a strange child... Of course, little did I know later that same year my tiny brain would be completely blown into a million pieces when I went to see Star Wars. So really it's quite a testament to Ms. Jodie Foster that I have any recollection of her movie at all. Speaking of Star Wars... I read on E!PeopleUSWhatever that Calista and Harrison were going to adopt a baby. Don't know if that's true or not, but if it is and if they're taking suggestions for names, mine is Chewbacca. And if she had ever seen Star Wars she would know if that was a good idea or not.

Finally...

If you haven't seen the documentary American Teen yet, I highly recommend it for your Netflix queue. It's a very white, middle-class documentation of American teens, but very true and very good. You think all of your drama - good and bad - from that age is embarrassingly trivial now, but really, not all of it was and it was nice to be reminded of that.

So, any thoughts on coming attractions? The first movie you saw? Things I should be watching from the comfort of my couch? Do share.

Happy Monday!

Two Things. Ok, well, two things and then 32 more.

2009-05-06T22:17:00.003-05:00

First - So, in my last post, when I said "if the rain holds off..." I apparently didn't realize that I had done something to anger every deity in the universe. It has not stopped raining since. I may take the two frames for my raised beds and use them to craft an ark.

Second - I've been busy with a big - but fun - project for work and haven't been around a computer much when I've had any free time and could also stay awake enough to type. Luckily Green Girl saved the day with another of her lists and so tonight while I should be doing laundry I'm doing this instead.

Now, here's the 32 more - a list about my reading habits. Or, the list in which I disgrace two high school AP English teachers and the good institution that gave me a college diploma...

1) What author do you own the most books by? Technically - Beatrix Potter. Adult fare - William Faulkner. I'm an English Major from the South, so it's only by default.

2) What book do you own the most copies of? I live in a house with less than 900 square feet. That is not an option. Over time, however, Walden, The Great Gatsby, The Elements of Style.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions? Nah. If you'd asked "Where you keep your books at?" then we'd have a problem...

4) What book have you read the most times in your life? Walden. Again, only by default. Not by choice.

5) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old? What was that, sixth grade? Help me, Katie! It was likely something by Judy Blume as well as anything by our favorite girl detective, Trixie Belden.

6) What is the worst book you've read in the past year? Breaking Dawn

7) What is the best book you've read in the past year? Right now I'm (finally) reading Prodigal Summer - I think it will probably end up being the best.

8) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be? An Inconvenient Truth, by Al Gore.

9) What book would you most like to see made into a movie? Hmmm... maybe A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson. Something by David Sedaris - if done well - could be some crazy delicious fun.

10) What book would you least like to see made into a movie? Ah, if only we could turn back time, I would say Bridget Jones: the Edge of Reason... Otherwise I'm not sure - I think it's hard to do any good book justice with a movie just because of time constraints. But at the same time I don't mind at all when a good producer and director are able to capture the spirit of a book but not all of the story.

11) What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult? I think my Twilight addiction has been well-documented in this blog. BUT I do stand by it's overall story, quality of characters, etc. (despite Breaking Dawn). So, if that is the standard, I should also include anything I've read by Grisham and Brown.

12) What is the most difficult book you've ever read? Beloved. I just shook my head when Oprah put it in her book club and made it into a movie. What was she thinking?

13) Do you prefer the French or the Russians? Russians.

14) Roth or Updike? Not really familiar with either.

15) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers? Sedaris. Sedaris. Sedaris. And his sister, too!

16) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer? Shakespeare.

17) Austen or Eliot? Austen. Austen. Austen.

18) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading? All of the great works of the last decade. To this day I still have a hard time reading a novel without feeling that it's an assignment and I need to rush so that I can write the paper for it and then study for a poly sci test and then finish a geology lab and then clean my dorm room. I'm almost like, what, 87? You'd think that would have gone away by now... I have issues...

19) What is your favorite novel? There's something about The Great Gatsby that I just love. But I think technically it may only be considered a novella...

20) Essay? I guess some of Ann Lamott's books would be considered collections of essays. She's awesome. And I keep copies of a couple of sermons on file when I need a little inspiration.

21) Work of nonfiction? There's so many - I love nonfiction. A Walk in the Woods. I thought Tipping Point was great. I love Sarah Vowel's books. Also, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers is (I SWEAR!) an awesome book.

22) Who is your favorite writer? Tom Stoppard. I would sit and read the phone book if he wrote it.

23) What is your desert island book? Besides How to Get off a Desert Island? Maybe James Joyce's Ulysses. It's something I've always wanted to read, but never had the time or energy to tackle it. For lighter fare - and if I could create my own collection/anthology - all of Nick Hornby's novels or the two Bridget Jones books because I could read them over and over again.

24) What are you reading right now? Poisonwood Bible and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Urban Planning and Public Health (it's a real page-turner, trust me!).

25) What fictional character are you secretly in love with? Please - it's no secret. Mr. Darcy. And of course, Edward, my Mr. Darcy With The Very Pointy Teeth.

26) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for Literature? Hell if I know.

27) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character. In college I had a Shakespeare course that was crazy hard. I studied endlessly for it and the papers and exams gave me much anxiety. So, while I don't remember any details of the dreams I do remember having several Shakespeare-related dreams because of that class. As a side anecdote (and proof!) I went to college with a now-famous actress and a long time ago I saw an interview with her where she was asked if the martial arts training for her role on a TV series was the hardest thing she'd ever done. She said "No - Intro to Shakespeare with Dr. Lisa McDonnell."

28) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you've seen? Speak of the devil... Troilus and Cressida. Yeah, beat that. It also serves as the answer to the question "What is the worst Shakespeare play you've ever seen?"

29) Favorite Play? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead by Tom Stoppard (so I guess Hamlet should be included too.) Good ole Will is popping up a lot on this list...

30) Favorite Poem? "i thank you God for this most amazing day," by e. e. cummings.

31) Favorite Short story? I don't know that they're favorites, but The Lottery and To Build a Fire always stuck with me - though I couldn't remember the title of the last one and literally Googled "short story dog man cold." Ta-da.

32) Who is the most overrated writer alive today? I have zero authority to judge this, but I'm going to say Dan Brown. The man crafts a thrilling plot and I loved The DaVinci Code, but I found a lot of the actual writing - especially much of the dialogue - to be, well, much less than thrilling.

Splendid

2009-04-27T11:14:00.013-05:00

Not that I'm ever lacking for an opinion, but you know, it's always nice to have a little external validation that some notion you have or project you're working on is not completely hare-brained. When there's no husband or boyfriend to offer their two cents worth (because I've heard that's what they're for - unsolicited advice and getting things down off high shelves, right?) you have to find other outlets. I do have many friends with very good heads on their shoulders, but when its the smaller-to-medium-sized things I'm questioning, I don't like to pester. No one needs their friendly neighborhood spinster calling them to find out what color fabric to have a chair reupholstered in, or if it really is wise to spend that much money on a pair of boots.

Or, in the case of this weekend's project: Should I really be putting a vegetable garden in the front yard?

If you're into the current environmental movement of local food and organic gardening you may have heard about the idea of planting vegetables in the front yard - as a way of making a statement, being a "rebel," or participating in a bit of civil disobedience. Probably a notion for more of the stricter suburb and subdivision sect where you're often not allowed to have a clothes line out back and where front yards are supposed to be turfy and shruby and immaculate.

Thing is, no one in my neighborhood would likely care if you started a whole crop of corn in your front yard. As long as you're doing something productive with your .08 acres and it doesn't smell bad or involve gunfire - they're pretty flexible. People would, however, start to call you Corn Lady. And then expect you to throw a big party with some corn-related theme and create some corn-related holiday and then maybe organize a parade (we like our produce).

It's true. My neighbors can suck the fun out of being a rebel faster than anyone I know.

So my idea for a front yard vegetable garden, while sparked by this movement, actually just made more sense logistically. I have very little sun in my yard to begin with. I also have too very well-intentioned diggers that reside in the back yard. There is one decent patch of sun in the dog-free front yard so it seemed to make sense.

But then. Then as I'm assembling two wooden frames to make my raised beds, I start to have second thoughts.

"These do look sort of tacky."

"How is this going to look if I actually get tomatoes and beans and zucchini growing here?"

"How dumb is it going to look if I go to all this trouble and then I can't grow crap?"

"Maybe I should rethink this."

"This is why I could use a husband right now..."

"And to get the rest of my summer clothes out of the top of my closet...."

By that time I was taking another Diet Coke break on the front porch and listening more intently to the lovely Lynne Rossetto-Kasper on public radio's The Splendid Table. (A show I often mock, but actually enjoy...) Her guest was a woman named Rosalind Creasy, and lo and behold, what was she talking about? Planting vegetables in the front yard! She wrote the book, Edible Landscaping, and talked about growing cherry tomatoes over an arbor instead of morning glories and other fun things.

So really, that was all the extra incentive I needed. I'm still only about halfway done - I have the ground cleared and one of the two, 3' x 6' beds made (I still need the rest of the soil and compost and, oh yeah, plants.) But if the rain will hold off for a couple of days, I should officially be a front yard urban farmer by the end of the week.

So thank you once again to the public radio gods for watching out for me. Now, if they could send someone over with a step-ladder...

Happy Earth Day Bonus

2009-04-22T15:32:00.006-05:00

Because my environmental news feed overfloweth-ed with goodies yesterday...

Three good quotes:

1. Thoreau

Oh, the number of times I had to read Walden in high school and college... My relationship with Henry David began as many relationships do - with wide-eyed, idealistic infatuation. By the end of my senior year of college I had come to the conclusion that he was a bit of a whiny, over-priviledged mama's boy. Sadly, many "environmentalists" continue in that tradition still today. He did say this though:

“What good is a house if you haven’t got
a tolerable planet to put it on?”

2. Wangari Maathai

She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 for her work with Kenya's Green Belt Movement.

“It's the little things citizens do.
That's what will make the difference.
My little thing is planting trees.”

Well... 30 million trees, that is. The Green Belt Movement works for human rights and democracy through environmental protection. Mostly by planting trees. Planting trees = cleaner water, land and air and helps to create educational and job opportunities for women and the poor. Clean water, land and air + educated and empowered citizens = more stable economies and governments. Sounds pretty peaceful to me.

3. Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot.

I loved the way he said "billions."

"That's here. That's home. That's us.
On it, everyone you ever heard of, every
human being who ever lived, lived out their lives.
The aggregate of all our joys and sufferings,
thousands of confident religions, ideologies and
economic doctrines, every hunter and forager,
every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer
of civilizations, every king and peasant,
every young couple in love, every hopeful child,
every mother and father, every inventor and explorer,
every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician,
every superstar, every supreme leader, every saint
and sinner in the history of our species,
lived there on a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam."

Happy Earth Day

2009-04-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

I saw a nice quote yesterday:

"Never does nature say one thing
and wisdom another." ―Juvenal

Very true.

I then looked up who the heck Juvenal was (ohhh... so that's what wikipedia is for...). No, not a rapper as I initially though. A 1st century Roman poet.

Shame that few civilizations since Juvenal's have actually paid much attention to his sage words.

But it did remind me of one of my most favorite sayings and bumper stickers:

Equally true. And much more my speed.

By the way - if you're out and about and you have a camera handy, there's a cool Earth Day photo project called Earth Mosaic that is going to compile photos from all over the world taken on April 22. Go here to learn more and hopefully participate: earthmosaic.org/index.html.

Hope your day is bright and sunny with all of the clean air and water you need and that you find something nice to take a picture of.

Happy Earth Day!

If you're in need of a new bumper sticker, this one - and many others - can be found at Cafepress.

Ahh Irony

2009-04-20T11:14:00.010-05:00

I think my blog should have a tag line: "Mostly Just Me Linking to Other People's Stuff"

Anyway... What Would Jane Austen Do posted this most excellent picture with the very appropriate title:

"Calling Bullshit"

It reminds me of an article I once read about an anti-American protest (in China, maybe??) where the reporter casually noted that most of the student protesters wore Levis and many were drinking from bottles of various Coke products.

It also reminds me of my previous employment with city government where the people who called to whine about having to take their trash and/or recycling to the curb or because their brush was only picked up quarterly and not monthly were always from the same zip codes that are first to whine about their taxes. The parts of town who actually pay a disproportionate percentage of their income in taxes - especially things like sales taxes - were a fairly quiet bunch with apparently more productive things to do with their time.

And, while I do give a thumbs up to all protesters in that picture for having signs that are legible (Nothing more irritating than a handmade sign in ballpoint pen or fine point Sharpie...) my favorite sign is the "Cut Taxes not Defense." Ummm.... how is it we pay for Defense? Is there another funding source in our government that I don't know about? Are we selling Mary Kay to other countries? I wondered what Michelle Obama really did when she was hanging out with Carla Bruni....

Of Turtles and Pigs: Two Cool Things

2009-04-16T08:31:00.004-05:00

Or nerdy things, depending on your perspective...

1. The Great Turtle Race

Eleven leatherback sea turtles have been tagged with a satellite tracking device and you can follow them on their 3,700 mile migration from Canada to the Caribbean. Each turtle has a name and a sponsor and an Olympic swimming "coach" that will provide commentary on their turtles throughout the race.

You can pick a turtle and sign up to get email updates on it's progress and then follow all of the turtles on a map: http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/article/greatturtlerace.html

My turtle is a 5'3" long / 970 pound female named Nightswimmer. Why is she named Nightswimmer? Because she's sponsored by R.E.M. How cool is that!? (There's also a turtle named Backspacer that's sponsored by Pearl Jam). I'm a little bummed there's not a turtle named Crush, but maybe he wasn't a leatherback...

2. Happy Anniversary Strunk and White

The Elements of Style turns 50 this year. Written by author E. B. White and his professor, William Strunk, it's a good guide for anyone who ever has to write anything. Which is a lot of us.

I received my first copy in college during freshman orientation - along with the APA Style Guide and the university's rules on plagiarism. It was like one of those scenes from a movie where someone enlists in the army and then promptly gets a stack of fatigues and a helmet slapped onto his outstretched arms.

Those last two publications were daunting with lots of meticulous rules to follow and a lecture of what would happen if you didn't - bad marks for the former and expulsion for the latter - yikes. Both scared the beejeezus out of me to the point that I didn't even want to open either of them. But that little, unassuming and nonthreatening copy of S&W - that I could handle.

That eventually dog-eared and scribbled-on copy from college was "borrowed" by an ex-roommate (along with a vintage set of James Joyce's Dubliners and his Collected Poems, but that's a story for a much angrier day...). There's now a much less-worn edition of S&W sitting on the cabinet behind me as we speak. It's there next to the New York Times Manual of Style and Usage and a copy of Robert's Rules of Order (which is surprisingly handy to have around).

S&W is not the most orderly or user-friendly reference book in the world, but it has served me well. Besides - it's not a manual or a rule book - it's the elements of style. And after all, who has better style than the man who wrote Charlotte's Web - except for maybe the man who taught him. Go here and listen to E.B. White read a passage from Charlotte's Web. A very, very cool thing.

Surfacing: 2nd Attempt

2009-04-14T08:11:00.008-05:00

It's just me again, linking to other people's stuff...

Today's victim: My iGoogle page.

The National Geographic Photo of the Day:

Not only is this photo spectacular, but I just love giraffes. Maybe it comes from a lifelong desire to be tall and skinny... Thankfully, clicking on it did not lead me to a story of environmental gloom and despair as this widget often does. Nope. Only an anecdote about being in the right place at the right time. Very nice.

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My Sesame Street Terror Alert System would like for us to know that

Today's Threat Level is Brought to You By:

Don't know about you, but I long for a world that's at a nice Oscar and/or Cookie...

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Today is: National Pecan Day.

I inadvertently celebrated National Pecan Day Eve last night with a piece of chocolate chip pecan pie for dessert. It was damn good. Useless fact of the day - the pecan tree is the only nut tree native to North America. Interesting, no? And the Pecan Pie? Definitely wins for native pie of the South. Heaven in an aluminum tin.

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Today in History: John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln.

Not much to say there. But it did remind me of Sarah Vowel - one of my favorite writers, humorists, irreverent historian, AND the voice of Violet in The Incredibles. She wrote a book, Assassination Vacation that chronicles her various road trips to visit sites associated with presidential assassinations. It's brilliant. And what's even better? The audio book features Conan O'Brien as Robert Todd Lincoln and Jon Stewart as President Garfield.

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The English Word of the Day: Chafe.

The Italian Word of the Day: Eta. (Age)

The Font of the Day: Alpha Echo

The Saint of the Day: St. Lydwine
Patron Saint of sickness. And stigmata. Excellent. Any day you can work "stigmata" into the conversation is a good day.

And let's not forget the Quote of the Day: "They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken." - Walter Hagen.

I think this guy was a professional golfer and this is supposed to be one of those "ha ha - we're over-privileged white men joking about golf - aren't we hilarious!?!" kinds of sayings that you have on an apron that you bought from one of those catalogs in the pocket of your seat on an airplane and that you wear while you're grilling something on a fancy grill. I don't know beans about Walter Hagen, so I shouldn't assume or associate him with that image... but I do know that this quote is fitting for an entirely different set of reasons - mainly because I despise golf and because I thought I was going to unleash a series of four letter words on Easter if I had to listen to any more people talk about The Masters. Seriously. I'd rather watch NASCAR.

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From gocomics.com: a Tom Toles' political cartoon

I used to have several political cartoonists on a feed with other cartoons from gocomics.com, but he's the only one who continuously astounds me with his ability to convey such a profound thought with a simple drawing. So, I pared down and now it's just him and Doonesbury and re-runs of Opus and Calvin & Hobbes.

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And finally, from the news feed for the New York Times, BBC, Salon.com, Grist, Enviro-link and Nature:

Well... you know... the economy sucks, icebergs are melting, everyone hates each other, the president's getting a dog, etc. BUT apparently someone is trying to make a substitute for Styrofoam out of mushrooms. Good news!

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Well, I think that covers it. Happy Pecan Day!

Surfacing

2009-04-06T11:23:00.007-05:00

Hola. I have been a negligent blog-owner. There is somewhat of an excuse... I suppose. I spent one very busy, but fun, work week and one even funner week actually enjoying my Birthday Girl status. A nice switch from the Snarky, Glass-Half-Empty, Grouchy, Hermit Girl that I normally tend toward...

I returned to the interwebs this morning to catch up on what were some really excellent posts by other people. So, what's a better way to dip my little sausage toes back into the bloggy water than to just post links to other people's stuff? There is none! Enjoy!

Where I am an official reader:

Katie at Proof Positive shared an excellent and coffee-up-the-nose hilarious post about the joys of parenting a strong-willed child.

Green Girl in Wisconsin had a great write-up on litter (yes, litter) and has inspired me to hunt down a Woodsy the Owl replacement t-shirt.

Big Happy Family has fallen victim to Twilight and I think I am partly responsible. Again, Carrie, my apologies...

AuntieM Writes posted about one of my most favorite places in the world - the New York City Public Library and their lions. Beautiful pictures. When I next up my Tragic Spinster certification I will name my first two cats Patience and Fortitude.

Where I am but a partial lurker:

And speaking of my Tragic Spinster status... Green Girl's friend at Noodleroux had a post on the eve of my birthday about dating in your 30s that gave me great joy.

Rocky Top Talk had an excellent analysis of one of the spring scrimmages leading up to next weekend's Orange and White Game. Woo hoo! What?!? I hear you rolling your eyes - yes, it's college football. The NCAA basketball championship is tonight, people - what else am I supposed to do for the next four and a half months? Read? Knit? Work for a living?

The Lost recaps on MamaPop are always really good in a weird stream-of-consciousness kind of way. And, they just posted a very funny video about White People Problems.

Where I still maintain full lurker status:

Crazy Aunt Purl detailed her past experience, that I am all too familiar with, about the public humiliation of failing a car emissions test. While I did not cry, few things are more shameful for a chronic over-achiever than having to pull away from the tiny testing station with a computer-generated form containing (and HIGHLIGHTED IN YELLOW by the 16 year old testing station attendant): sad face, sad face, FAIL. Truly awful. Yeah... I know... White People Problems...

What Would Jane Austen Do had a funny list. And lists are always good. She also had a more serious, but equally good post about April Food Day and fighting hunger.

Zen Habits had a completely apropos post - also on the eve of my birthday - about saying "yes" when you mean "no" and vice-versa.

And last, and certainly never least, Dooce has been in rare form with the posts from her book tour and one hysterical one about Angelina's plans for her next adoption that, if nothing else, has given me a new phrase to shout the next time I find myself completely exasperated about something. Perhaps in June when I have to take my car back for it's next emissions test...

This should keep you busy for a while.

Cultist

2009-03-26T10:15:00.002-05:00

The other day at work we received an angry, angry letter. One of those in all caps with all kinds of poor grammar and errant use of quotation marks. The kind where you know that if the writer could have typed in a font called "manifesto" he totally would have. It was that good.

An email update from my media service soon found the source of the outrage. The director of the environmental non-profit I do some work for / share office space with was quoted in an article about the nuclear industry. In it he said something about how maybe it would be a good idea to try energy conservation first before we go building any nuclear power plants. And apparently it struck a nerve.

In the letter we were called several crafty names - the very best being "GRANT SEEKING LIBERALS" and "PEA BRAINED CULTISTS."

That first one is outstanding. Because, for one, it's 100% accurate. I am indeed a grant-seeking liberal. It's kinda how I avoid living in a box down by the river. And, for two, it makes me feel so much better about myself. Because here I've been working under the assumption that I was supposed to be a "latte-drinking, Prius-driving liberal." And let me tell ya, I was failing miserably at that.

So really, this is good news.

Ah, but if he is right about that one, does this mean I could also be a "pea-brained cultist"? I don't know. Now I'm worried. Let me think...

I guess I can't deny occasional pea-brained-ness on my part. I once misread a recipe for white chicken chili and instead of 1/4 teaspoon of cloves I added 4 teaspoons and nearly asphyxiated in a giant cloud of clove gas that formed over my crock pot. Things like this happen to me on a fairly regular basis. It's probably why I have to depend on grants for my livelihood - no one would actually pay me an hourly wage to be this much of a ding-bat.

So, OK fine - I'll give him that. But cultist? I may have to draw a line there.

But then I read an article yesterday and it hit me. Like a cloud of clove gas. Yes, I am indeed a cultist.

I belong to the cult of Rick Steves.

Yes, Rick Steves, the dorky PBS travel guy. That Rick Steves.

The article was on Salon.com. They did an interview with him and in it he almost achieved Jon Stewartdom. All funny and smart and self-deprecating and connecting-the-dots with spot-on observations and philosophies about everything from terrorists to marijuana. (The difference being that I have too much of a crush on Jon Stewart to worship him in a cult-like fashion whereas Rick Steves wears those glasses and the shirts with the two front pockets much like a David Koresh would, making him much more cult-worthy... )

Anyway... I first became acquainted with Rick Steves when I was planning a trip to Europe - not quite ten years ago. I had planned to go with a friend and do a quasi back-packing style trip through several countries. A month out she decided not to go and in a fit of pig-headed-ness I decided to just go by myself. To aid me on my trip I had a couple of ridiculously large, travel company-produced Guides To Europe that were quickly deemed useless and abandoned at my first hostel.

But I also had Rick Steves' guide to Italy. Small, concise, well-written and actually useful. He espouses the perfect (well, what I consider to be perfect) philosophy on travel abroad. He gives you tangible and realistic advice while showing you, on an adorably hand-drawn map, directions to the perfect cafe on the perfect side street in Rome. Or a great pub crawl to do in Venice where you will be able to dine for next to nothing on delicious food and wine and hang out with locals. Or which alley to turn down in Florence to find the most delightful tiny hotel where over the front desk in the lobby hangs an enormous painting of Tricky, the crazy owner's chihuahua.

And you go to these places and not only is the cafe perfect, and not only do you spend an evening on the pub crawl drinking wine and being quizzed on jazz by a bunch of twenty-something Venetians, and not only do you actually get to meet the real, live Tricky, but you also meet other Americans along the way. Americans who believe in the same idea of travel - that you should be a "visitor" to another country, not a "tourist." Americans who believe that our way isn't always the best way and that you don't learn anything when you travel if you spend all your time speaking extra loudly in English and don't deliberately wander away from the souvenir carts.

Americans who believe - after you have all downed several bottles of vino and a plate or two of gnocchi - that Rick Steves should be declared your personal god as you start sketching on a napkin the temple you're going to erect in his honor out of focaccia bread in the middle of Piazza San Marco.

It's been a while since I've reaffirmed my devotion to my dorky, public television travel guy. (What with saving all my money for the lattes and my new Prius I just haven't had any money to travel!) But I think after reading this article that should be taken care of. Pea-brained cultist that I apparently am.

And now, I have to go back to work. I have a grant report due tomorrow.

Observations in Madness (Sunday night)

2009-03-22T22:54:00.011-05:00

I actually spent a great deal of time this weekend doing things other than watching basketball. I went shopping. I went to the grocery store. I went to an art gallery and then to a sushi bar - where I did occasionally stretch my short self as tall as I could muster to peek up over the top of the booth at the TV in the back of the restaurant - but still, I participated in witty conversations and only managed to get soy sauce on my new shirt once. I went to church and to grown-up Sunday school and to lunch and then did yard work. All the while assuming that I was still clinging to life in 6th place in our pool.

And then I updated our brackets just a couple of hours ago, and dude, I am somehow now in 3rd place. I managed to pick 15 of the Sweet 16. Trust me, I am as stunned as you are. I don't really expect it to last, but it is nice for now. Here's what else:

1. I am a bit self-defeating. The on-going battle I have with myself every March when I fill out my bracket is always head vs. heart. Who do I want to win and who do I think will win. It's often not the same thing. If my bracket involves a couple of innocent dollars, I usually go with my head but then find myself on a Sunday evening yelling for Siena to beat Louisville even though I have Louisville in the Final Four.

So yeah - how 'bout that Siena / Louisville game? What was a heart-breaker! Or. Go Cards! I'm good either way...

2. In other crazy games... Western Kentucky - so close! And Marquette - I'm sorry your game ended so strangely and unfortunately (well kinda - because again - Go Mizzou!) but your coach sorta scares me and he maybe should invest in some Nylabones or something because that one kid chewed on his towel for the last like 15 minutes of your game.

3. Say it ain't so! The Lady Vols will NOT be headed to the Sweet 16 for the first time ever. Ever. I guess it had to happen sometime. Also, the Middle Tennessee State University women's team lost a very close one. The coach of the Lady Blue Raiders is the neighbor of a friend of mine and I am really bummed for him. I probably shouldn't keep up with the women's tournament if my only reason for doing so is to hope that someone beats UConn, but hey, at least I'm honest.

Happy Sweet 16!

Observations in Madness (Friday - very late)

2009-03-20T16:43:00.007-05:00

1. Bless their hearts. Fitting comment for East Tennessee State University both because of where they're from and for how they played. We all know a #16 has never beaten a #1 - but it has to happen sooner or later, right? For a brief moment it looked like it might be possible when ETSU played Pittsburgh this afternoon. They played confidently for every minute of the game, never getting rattled or losing steam until the very, very end when Pittsburgh finally pulled ahead by double digits. Two hard-fought losses by the Volunteer State today. Memphis? I hope you were watching and paying attention.

2. What's up, ACC? Clemson, Wake Forest and Florida State are out? Two of you to Big 10 teams? What - do you think it's football season? You're killing me. Well, just my bracket actually, but still...

3. Upset, upset. My mother was the only one who picked Dayton over West Virginia. A couple of us correctly picked Siena over Ohio State (how awesome was that game?!) and a few more picked Arizona, Boston College or Wisconsin. But only one of us picked all four. And it definitely wasn't me. I commented at dinner earlier on the lack of trash talking in our pool, but I have a feeling that's all about to end.

How's your bracket?

Observations in Madness (Friday Two-ish)

2009-03-20T14:10:00.008-05:00

1. Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Tennessee lost by two points in the last few seconds of their game today. Fortunately for my bracket I did not pick them to go past the next round, so at least there's that. But still... sadness and woe...

2. Last night saw local favorite Western Kentucky upset Illinois. My mother always takes the opportunity during basketball season to mention how she nearly went into early labor with me in March of 1971 because of Western. They were the "giant killers" that year and every game they somehow kept pulling out win after win. So, your call - my love of March Madness - nature or nurture? I don't have the Hilltoppers picked to go past the next round but, you know, I am having a birthday party on the same day as the Final Four - so how cool would it be if Western made it that far? Yeah, I know...

3. Speaking of my mother - she's leading our basketball pool. There are eight of us in the pool and the only game she didn't pick from yesterday was the Clemson/Michigan game. And that's not her fault in the least (or five other people in the pool) is it, Clemson?!?!? No, no it's not.

As for me, I'm hanging in at 5th place.

Observations in Madness (Thursday Noon)

2009-03-19T11:49:00.006-05:00

Good Gravy it's been a long and busy week. Soooo behind on my photo project it's not even funny. St. Patrick's Day was fun. Work has not been. But it's Thursday and it's the first round of basketball, so things are looking up! Most exciting is that I finally got some willing participants for a basketball pool this year (last year was a bit of a challenge). Are you in a pool? Paying attention? Couldn't care less? Here's what I've seen so far:

1. God Bless the Internet. Have I said that lately? I am glad CBS finally got with the program and figured out how to stream all of their games over the internet. If they hadn't, I would be saying God Bless our government for pushing back the switch to digital so that I could drag my little TV set in and watch the first two days of the tournament in my office...

2. Seriously, Cal State Northridge?!? Worst jersey font EVER.

3. I picked Memphis to go all the way. Did I pick them because I am such a die-hard Tennessean? No. Most of west Tennessee annoys me. I picked them, in part, because I do think they're a good team and are ripe to maybe, finally win it all. And in part because I'm tired of their coach talking about how overlooked, underestimed, underappreciated and disrespected his team is and it would be nice for him to have to find something else to whine about for a while. But right now?!? Right now 2 Memphis is having a fairly hard time against 15 Cal State Northridge. If they don't get their act together my entire bracket could be seriously compromised before the first three games of the tournament are over. Note to Memphis: if that happens, I will lead the pack in petitioning to have your third of the state given to Arkansas.

Pardon Me Boys

2009-03-11T09:56:00.012-05:00

Here's a link to a nice slide show of the "green" parts of the economic stimulus plan.

I know that opinions vary when it comes to this. Am I sure that it will work or is the best thing to do? No. But my knowledge of economic matters is not good so even if I was opinionated on the matter, I have no knowledge or experience with which to back it up.

And as we know, that only qualifies me to be a hate-filled radio talk show monkey. But I digress...

What I will say is that it's nice to see a president who connects the dots. Who gets that a healthy, sustainable environment helps to create a healthy, sustainable economy and vice versa. Because what I do know is that you can't have one without the other. Our formerly robust economy turned out to be, well, not so much robust as it was a big fat house of cards. And the quality of - and our collective attitude toward - our environment has definitely reflected that.

So, I would very much like to give this plan the benefit of the doubt and be supportive.

I only have one problem so far: the proposed high-speed rail lines.

What's my problem, you ask. Well, let's take a look:

See there... in the lower right section of our country. Anything look odd or amiss? Like, I don't know... the fact there's only one state in that whole area without any rail lines. At all. Yeah. That would be my state.

Did I miss something? I thought I learned in the 7th grade that the word "Tennessee" was derived from the Cherokee word for "meeting place" as in "Wouldn't Tennessee be a great meeting place for all of these high speed rail lines?"

But no. Apparently Tennessee is actually derived from the Cherokee word for "No thanks, I'd rather drive."

And apparently no one from the Department of Transportation has ever had to drive from Memphis to Nashville. If they had, it would have been the first line drawn. Because that drive? It totally sucks. It's worse even than the drive from Cincinnati to Columbus.

Except if you look at the map - Cincinnati to Columbus is totally slated for a rail line.

But don't worry. I'm still here. Being supportive. And not at all disgruntled. In the great Volunteer State. Stuck in my car.

Camera Phone Fun: Two Photos and One Long Anecdote.

2009-03-09T13:47:00.010-05:00

I keep forgetting that my fancy new cell phone has a camera. It's such a great way to capture completely pointless / sometimes mildly amusing things that I would never otherwise take the time to photograph. Such as:

1. The car in front of me this morning (the light was red when I started taking the picture, I promise).

You can't tell from the photo, but the person driving the Chevy truck is a young, blond woman with her curly hair clipped up on top of her head. If you look closely, there are two stickers in her back window. Bottom left: an 03 Dale Earnhardt memorial / tribute. Top right: Free Tibet. Because that's how we roll in East Nashville.

2. My brother and I made a quick trip to Oak Ridge, TN over the weekend to visit our grandmother who is ill. We debated about whether to just go up for the day on Sunday or leave late Saturday evening. Both options would result in the same amount of visiting time so the final deciding factor was that if we went up Saturday evening we could get Big Ed's Pizza.

In our world of big box stores and mass produced chain restaurant food, I dig a good family-owned / local hangout. The more out-dated and dingy the better. Oak Ridge's best is Big Ed's Pizza. My aunt worked there when I was little and I think most anyone who grew up in the town has had a job there at some point. The wood floors are old and worn. The walls are covered in pictures (as you can see through the window). The Budweiser lamps and decor around the bar are straight from the 70's. The kitchen is only separated from the rest of the restaurant by a low wall and plexiglas divider. Scores of teenage employees scurry about like elves in Santa's workshop clad in their uniform of jeans and a white Big Ed's t-shirts. They toss dough in the air as the little kids line up (just like I once did) along the dividing wall with their faces pressed to the plexiglas to watch the pizzas being made - and if you're lucky - be handed some mozzarella. To-go pizza's sit on a cardboard round and are then slid into a brown paper bag. No pizza boxes here. And no credit cards accepted. And if it's a busy night you can expect to stand in line on the sidewalk for quite a while.

When I went away to college it was a good distance away in Ohio. I missed a lot of things from home, but for the most part I was not really ever very homesick. Mid-way through my first semester, however, I was having a particularly horrible day during a particularly horrible week. (None of actually horrible, I'm sure, but at the time it was...) Among other things, I had been stuck in the library working on a paper and missed eating dinner with my friends. I didn't see anyone in the dining hall I knew - a fate worse than death for a freshman. Finally I saw a couple of guys from my dorm and asked if they minded if I sat with them. They shrugged, seemed generally indifferent and immediately went back to their conversation like I wasn't there.

My 18 year-old brain - already prone to massive neuroses and boatloads of melodrama - began to rehash the current and previous events of the week and immediately began to spiral downward. As I stared down at my soup and sandwich, trying to be invisible, I started to question why I had ever thought I could hack it at this school socially or academically and then began to calculate the amount of time it would take me to pack my stuff and the amount of money to get it all home. Just as I was starting to make a list of things I would need to do before the end of the week (drop classes, buy packing tape, etc.) a guy shows up at the chair across from me and says "Hey - can I sit here!?" He really wasn't asking since he threw his tray and books down on the table before I could even answer, but then he took off his jacket and sat down. And was wearing a Big Ed's T-shirt. I nearly choked on my grilled cheese.

Turned out he was a freshman, was from Oak Ridge and had played football for Oak Ridge High School. Turned out he was also kind of a jackass, even more unhappy with college than I was at that moment, and was planning to transfer to play football for Ohio Wesleyan instead (perhaps he didn't believe them when they said we play football without a quarterback...) But I didn't care. It didn't matter. It was just the tiny sign I needed to get me to pull out of my death spin of self pity and woe.

I was in the same state of mind last week with family, money and job worries that I was not handling very gracefully. But a little visit by Big Ed late on a Saturday night once again helped to pull me out of it.

Some critics would argue that the quality of a Big Ed's pizza is not worth the amount of time and money you have to spend actually obtaining a Big Ed's pizza. Maybe. But that's really not the point.

Not a Top Five - Just a Random List of Crap Because this Week is Finally Over

2009-03-06T08:39:00.005-06:00

Financial Blue Moon
All of those non-regular, medium-sized purchases that crop up every couple of months somehow have all happened to crop up this month - heart worm and flea meds (for the dogs), haircut (for me), oil change (for the car) etc. It's been a week of "Hmmm... what do I want to do for lunch today? Oh, that's right, drive across town and give someone $60." Admittedly, I could forgo the haircut until next month, but the thought spending a birthday with this much grey hair is not pleasant. And I have had a kind of shitty week so I feel that for the sake of my own mental health, a visit to my friend with the scissors and magic conditioner is warranted. And much cheaper than a therapist.

Greeting Card Smack-down
It is hard to find a good birthday/get well/sympathy/whatever card these days. To add to the task of finding a good card, there is the new added joy of sharing the aisle with someone who feels compelled to fully open ALL of the cards that play music and listen to each song ALL the way through. It's like being in a movie theater with a bunch of cell phones going off. I know. I'm just being petty and bitchy. But seriously. The collective nerves of humanity are a bit frayed right now so if you're one of these people pushing your luck by opening the "Who Let the Dogs Out" card over and over again, you are really just asking to be slapped. With one of those sympathy cards that has glitter on it. So that it will be both ironic and scratchy.

Gert vs. Couch Update
Well, after said shitty week, this match-up did not happen as the game was on ESPN and I was in serious need of an adult beverage and the idea of drinking alone while listening to the game on the radio was really not a level of pathetic that I was prepared to stoop to. The evening was instead turned into Gert vs. Pint of Beer (or more) in the Dive She Normally Reserves for Fridays. But more importantly...

Whose team flailed about all season and still ended up number one in the SEC East?

That's right:

Tennessee 86
South Carolina 70

I would have made up some humorous title for the photo like I did for the others, but when the team is the Gamecocks there's only so much you can do without getting tacky. Go Vols!

Lenten Update
The no-plastic pledge is going fairly well. It's really hard though. I say drinking Starbucks from a cup with a plastic lid. If nothing else, someone in a third world country will be getting a nice box of change from the ladies of two certain environmental non-profit organizations in the Nashville area.

The photo part is coming along slowly but I hope to have some to share soon.

God Bless YouTube
It's even cheaper therapy than my hair stylist. For a happy end to crappy week, I give you a fabulous video of music and highlights from The Office.

Happy Friday.

So Much and Yet Not Enough

2009-03-02T16:39:00.003-06:00

The question I answered in my Interview Me challenge about my ultimate vacation - along with my Lenten challenge of scanning in all of my old photos - has started me thinking about travel. And how much I love it. And how I haven't done much of it in a long time. And of all the places I'd still like to go. And of all the places I've been that I miss.

Then one of the blogs where I lurk randomly posted a link to these aerial pictures of Venice today. And it - combined with a whole other pile of general unhappiness - made the longing only worse.

I don't know that Venice is my most favorite place I've been, but it wins for being the first place where I really felt like I was truly in another country and culture. Granted, I've never been anywhere in Asia and I've never been to a developing country so my perspective is skewed. And yeah, trying to cross the Champs Elysees with motor scooters flying past and people screaming at you in French is indeed culture shock, but you still know that within any few blocks you're going to bump into a McDonald's or have access to subway or city bus.

But Venice. Ah Venice. It's like you really did jump into Burt's sidewalk chalk drawing in Mary Poppins. The pictures in the link are amazing and depict some of the overwelming bizarre-ness of the city, but at the same time it doesn't begin to capture it.

So while my mood and the view out my office window of the sky, parking lot and interstate, is all grey today, I will be happy that I am employed and have my health and will try to stop my whining and just suck it up. But to help that along, however unproductive it may be, I'll also be picturing this in my head.

Disturbance in the Force

2009-03-02T14:29:00.010-06:00

So. I read that Calista Flockhart has never seen Star Wars.

Never. Ever.

I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt at first, Calista. When I glanced at the headline I thought "eh, well... maybe you're a few years older than I am... and in 1977 maybe you were of the age where some girls would not have enjoyed Star Wars. I don't see how, but I suppose it's plausible...."

Oh wait. No, no it's not. Because why?

YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY HAN SOLO!

That's why. And I'm sorry. But that's just all kinds of wrong.

Did you not realize that's who he was? Did you have him confused with Richard Dreyfus? I mean, they're both in American Graffiti.... they both did science fiction movies in the 70's... it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. Because that's the only reason I could think of for a person who was planning to actually marry Han Solo to have never seen Star Wars.

I'm really trying to be understanding because, I have to say, I'm a little worried.

If you haven't seen Star Wars, what else haven't you seen?

I mean, you do realize that on TV you're married to Sodapop Curtis / Billy Hicks, right?

And remember? You were in The Birdcage. So you know, right? That guy playing one of your future fathers-in-law?

That was Mork. From Ork.

Just want to make sure...

Keeping Score

2009-03-01T15:56:00.020-06:00

Basketball:

Sunday was a big day. My unpredictable Volunteers - both men's and women's basketball teams - were finally and literally on the ball. It was rather exciting.

'Dores Floored

Gators Chomped

Final Score:

Tennessee Lady Vols 75

Vanderbilt 66

Tennessee Men 79
Florida 75

But onto other sports...

Shopping:

I need to find a dress or skirt/top combo that fulfills the following:

1. Suitable to be worn to any or all of the following: non-profit auction/fundraiser, Easter, church wine tasting/fundraiser, and maybe my high school reunion.
2. Won't make me want to crawl in a hole and die when I put it on.

First Half: I started at the behemoth amusement-park-turned-parking-lot-and-mall. Now, I appreciate good customer service. I really do. And I understand that times are tough and I understand that retail businesses are desperate to sell their stuff. I really do. But following me around Ann Taylor and perkily chirping at me every 90 seconds with unhelpful information is neither good customer service nor a way to get me to buy anything. All it does is get me to walk over to Brooks Brothers where I can safely rely on being completely ignored.

And while we're at it...

If you are genuinely interested in getting me to buy something, the way to get me to do that is to make it at least seem like you're actually interested in finding something for me to wear - i.e. you've actually looked at me and made some sort of assessment about what I would like instead of just shoving some sparkly, ruffly thing at me that you would wear and saying "Isn't this gorgeous?! And if you sign up to be a preferred shopper you'll save an extra $10!"

Because it's rather apparent after looking at me for oh... five or six seconds... that I neither sparkle nor ruffle.

Well... ok, maybe if it were something vintage or vintage-y looking and not overly-girlie I might on occasion ruffle. But I assure you that not since a poly-blend, off-white sweater with purple and metallic gold horizontal stripes worn in my sixth (?) grade class picture, have I sparkled.

Or worn horizontal stripes for that matter... but that's not the issue here...

Just be nice is all I'm saying. And not annoying. And I'll probably be so happy that I'll buy something even if I don't really need it.

For example...

Second Half: After being stalked by the staff at Ann Taylor and subsequently ignored at Brooks Brothers. And The Banana too, for that matter. I drove over to a different shopping center and walked into J. Jill where I was greeted genuinely and asked if I needed assistance. I told her what I was looking for. She asked me some questions about what I had in mind, what it was for, etc. Then she showed me a couple of things they had and made some other very helpful and sincere suggestions.

Here's what I bought:

"Hey, that's not a dress!" you say. And you would be correct. Nothing they had dress-wise really quite worked. But, you know what? I still had a good time not finding one. And you know what else? Instead of me leaving all annoyed after not finding a dress, like I had at seven other stores earlier that day, I actually felt like hanging around and seeing what else they had back in the clearance section. And, seeing as how the two hoodies I currently wear all the damn time have shrunk in length and stretched in width (sooo not attractive on a person who is short and wide to begin with) and desperately need to be replaced. I thought it a sound purchase.

Final Score:

J. Jill 1
Ann Taylor 0

Comfy Gert 1
Fancy Gert 0

You win some, you lose some.

Next up:

Tennessee Lady Vols vs. Alabama in the first round of the SEC Tournament - Thursday, March 5th

Tennessee Men vs. South Carolina - Thursday, March 5th

Comfy Gert vs. Couch - Thursday, March 5th

Fancy Gert vs. Macy's - Saturday, March 7th

Stay Tuned.

Thanks to www.tennessean.com/section/SPORTS for the photos. Of the games. Not the sweater. That was from www.jjill.com.

Interview Me

2009-02-28T08:00:00.008-06:00

A few weeks ago, Melissa/Green Girl in Wisconsin posted an interesting challenge. Basically, let yourself be interviewed by someone via five questions and then post your answers on your blog. Excited to see a meme where I don't have to answer the number of times I've been skinny dipping or what color my favorite socks are, I told her I was game. Little did I know how tough it would be...

Here are the rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. (If you don't have one, you can send me your answers and I'll post them here.)
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here goes nothin':

1. What childhood personality trait did you outgrow or give up since becoming an adult? Was there a reason for doing so?

I was painfully, painfully shy as a child. I still am extremely shy around most people at first - I've maybe gotten it down to one "painfully." So, I wouldn't say I've outgrown it completely, but am more conscious of it. I don't know if it's a trust issue with me or what - because I'm much more outgoing with people once I've gotten to know them. But it takes me a long time.

One of the many reasons to give up that trait (besides the obvious) is I've had people tell me that when they first met me they thought I was mean or a bitch. And while I certainly can be those things at times, I am not inherently either and would never want anyone feel that way.

2. Describe 3 daily rituals that you never miss taking part in.

One: Sadly, checking the internet is probably the biggest one. So much of my life is completely dependent upon it that it's ridiculous. I am not a tech junkie, but I am an information junkie and if I have a problem or question I like to find the answer myself. Now, because of the internet, if I have a question it is answered for me almost immediately. And when that can't happen, I come completely undone. Like I said. Very sad.

Two: NPR. It was always on in our house growing up and it used to bore me senseless. Now I can't live without it and can barely stand televised news.

Three: I have this weird OCD thing I do where I rub my feet together as I'm trying to go to sleep and when I'm waking up. I know. Too much sharing. There's a line in the movie High Fidelity where John Cusack's character lists the little things about his girlfriend that he finds charming or irresistible and one of them is when she's trying to fall asleep she rubs her feet together in even numbers. When I heard that I'm pretty sure I gasped aloud in the theater. "OMG! Someone - even if she's fictional - is as weird as I am! How great is that!"

Anyway... moving on...

3. Have you become the person you thought you’d grow up to become? What part of adulthood is markedly different from what you believed when you were young?

The easy answer to the first part of that questions is "not really." As a child I was always very serious and mature for my age and frequently told that I was born a 30-year-old, or was 3 going on 30, or 13 going on 30, etc. and I think I just always had it in my head that when I got to my 30s I would have it all figured out, finally be the person I was supposed to be and stop feeling like an alien. So I lived it up in my 20s (well, for me anyway) and just waited for it to all fall into place. Not surprisingly, it has been quite the opposite of that and, I have to say, it has not been my finest decade. By a long shot. I have high hopes for 40 though. Hope. Not expectations. Hope. But we'll see. I'm going to keep an eye on Jennifer Aniston and see how she handles it (ha!).

As for the second part of this question... the biggest difference in adulthood is that it is so much more work than I thought it would be. It's just a never ending list of crap to do. All of these balls in the air that you have to keep going with time and money and there is never enough. And I don't even have kids. I think about my friends who have kids - and even the ones where there are two parents in the house - and I think "how?" How is this possible that you are my age - or usually even younger - and you are able to juggle all of this and I'm just impressed when I get my water bill paid on time and there's more than Diet Coke in my refrigerator. I also look pretty young for my age and have been realizing lately that when people find out how old I am the shock is no longer just because of how young I look - it's because I should be waaay more together than I am. Anyway... like I said... high hopes for 40...

4. Given no limitations, what would be your ultimate vacation?

I would buy a plane ticket to Istanbul with a return flight from London one month later and no other reservations or plans made in between. Well, except for a reservation when I first arrived in Turkey. Somewhere on the beach to sleep off my jet lag. I would spend a couple of days in the Grand Bazaar, then stop at a UPS store to ship back everything I bought, and then with whatever amount of money I happened to have left I would just wander in a general northeasterly direction.

I took a two-week trip to Europe by myself once with what I thought was a fairly flexible schedule only to find out exactly what a Type A Control Freak of an American I really was. And Europe - at least the parts I was in - will beat that out of you pretty quickly. I did an OK job learning to "go with the flow" but I know that my trip could have been a lot more interesting if I'd stopped trying to force an agenda on myself. So, my ideal trip would be to try it again, but give myself a longer amount of time.

5. Write your first sentence/paragraph for NPR’s “This I believe.”

This is a good one. I love listening to these on NPR and have wondered what I would write if I ever did one. I usually don't get much past singing that REM song, "I Believe," in my head though: I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract / explain the change and difference between / what you want and what you need / there's a key...

But, Green Girl didn't ask for 80's indie rock lyrics.

I've always assumed that the "I believe" was the same as "how I live my life" and in answering this question I realize it isn't necessarily that at all. For me the "I believe" is a goal. And what I believe in is acceptance. Acceptance of others and of situations. Instead of letting people or situations that aren't who or what I think they should be completely incapacitate me, I believe I should accept them as they are and then try to move on from there. I'm not saying that I believe we should accept things that are bad or dysfunctional. Not at all. I'm saying I've finally come to see that my biggest problems in life come from trying to force everyone and everything into whatever preconceived idea I had. I never fix the relationship with the person that's bugging me or fix a disappointing situation because I can't accept that it isn't what I want it to be to begin with. It's terribly unproductive. And I'm probably not making any sense. Here's the best way I can explain it: Mock me if you like, but there's an episode of Sex and the City (where Carrie needs money and has to take the side job at Vogue) and at the end she says that instead of dwelling on the bad and wasting time wishing for things to be what they're not,

"maybe the best any of us can do is play the hand we're dealt
and just accessorize the outfit we've got."

I find myself repeating that to myself sometimes "accessorize the outfit you've got, accessorize the outfit you've got..." Funny words coming from a girl who rarely even wears earrings. But it helps. And that's what I'm (trying) to believe.

Sooo.... anyone else game?

Week in Review / Top Five: The Sleepy Edition

2009-02-26T16:48:00.013-06:00

No Rest for the Wicked: Having a bout of insomnia this week. Maybe it's because of the economy. Maybe it's because I finally started the refinancing on my house - because in addition to worrying about things when they are going poorly, I also worry about things when they are going well. I don't know. Last night I fell asleep on the couch sometime during ER with the light on and the dog door open in the mud room. I woke up at 2:00 am completely freaked out because I couldn't figure out at first what time it was, a bad storm was coming so it was all lightning and thundery outside (which scares the beejeezus out of me on a good day), there was an infomercial playing on TV with that guy who shouts, and one of my dogs was out in the yard barking at the thunder. Outstanding. I was so rattled that I didn't go back to sleep until 4:00.

from www.idiomsbykids.com

Lenten Update: The insomnia has left me some time to sort out the bin of photos. They are now in chronologically-ordered stacks. Progress. The plastic thing is going OK. The good news is that two good friends / coworkers have decided to join me in the no-plastic pledge. AND at the Ash Wednesday service I picked up a nifty little mite box from Episcopal Relief and Development to collect money during Lent. So I brought one back to work and put it in my office so that way if we do end up using a plastic container, we put money in the box.

After-work mixer at web designer's office + plastic cup of beer = two quarters in the mite box

Just how dumb do they think I am?: I mentioned in my last recap/top five list that I recently aced an Oscar dress quiz on People magazine's website. Well, I also aced a follow-up quiz this week about the jewelry worn by Sunday's Oscar attendees. But wait. Before you get all impressed with my useless knowledge, let me show you just how easy this quiz was. Test takers were shown an image of a torso featuring the jewelry in question but not showing the celebrity's face. Then you were given several names to choose from. If you even half paid attention to the Oscar's you could have gotten most of them right by identifying the dresses in the pictures. But no...

This was one of the photos:

The first option on the multiple choice:

QUEEN LATIFAH

No, I'm not kidding. I'll admit that this photo was the most challenging in the quiz. It's Madonna. She wasn't nominated, didn't present and I don't really even remember seeing her on any of the pre-shows, but the biceps would have helped to narrow it down even if I hadn't been given Queen Frickin Latifah to help me cull the field. Now, I know that People Magazine isn't exactly the New Yorker of weekly celebrity-centric magazines. Hell, it isn't even the Entertainment Weekly of weekly celebrity-centric magazines. But really. I think they might be underestimating their readers a bit.

Speaking of fashion (Part A): Can't forget the rest of the Oscars, can we? I think this was one of the best years ever. Everything had such a nice 1920's / Great Gatsby look to it - from the stage to the gowns. It was as though the producers sent out a memo to all the attendees letting them know what the set was going to look like so that they could plan their outfits.

My favorite:

She just looked great all the way around - hair, makeup, jewelry, and I loved the red bag (and I love that her name is Taraji P. Henson - because otherwise we might confuse her with the many other Taraji Hensons). I saw her shoes on TV and they looked fabulous too. Not that I'm any example of fashion (Gert's outfit today: trainers, Gap kahkis, long-sleeved white Old Navy layering tee under short-sleeved blue polo from Eddie Bauer. No makeup. No earrings. My purse is cool though...) but I did spot this as a Roberto Cavali dress - he loves those ragged unfinished edges. This same dress in the hands of a lot of other designers and she would have looked like a fancy mummy.

Other likes: Anne Hathaway, Tina Fey, Queen Latifah, Marisa Tomei, and Penelope Cruz. My Robert Pattinson looked rather dashing and fit the look of the 20's with the narrow-cut bow tie, lapels and pants of his Dolce & Gabbana tuxedo. It was so kind of the Academy to seat him so that he would be in the shot every time the camera was on Mickey Rourke. I considered sending them a thank you card.

Disappointing: Sarah Jessica Parker and Reese Witherspoon. They weren't the worst dressed by any means, but I just expect so much from them. Especially SJP. I adore her. I may not have on makeup or earrings today, but you can be damn sure I'm wearing her perfume.

Speaking of Fashion (Part B): LOOK who's on the cover of Vogue!

I actually gasped when I saw this. I can't wait to buy it and see the other pictures inside. It's going in my permanent collection along with this:

Is that five? I hope so. I'm going to take a nap. Happy Friday.

BTW

2009-02-26T09:07:00.008-06:00

My new favorite fun thing to say for no reason: Blog fodder. (see end of yesterday's post)

If you use it just for the sound itself, it works well as a curse word substitute. Handy if you happen to have given that up for Lent. Or, it also works as a dismissive. Instead of "Whatever" or "Bygones." "Eh, blog fodder."

Nice, no?

It also takes the place of my former favorite Fun Thing to Say for No Reason: Coup plotter

As in, someone plotting a coup d'etat. I heard it in a news story on NPR a few years ago in reference to some former Soviet country. You can't deny how fun it is to say. And the fact that it's a term with fairly serious implications yet sounds kind of silly only adds to the enjoyment... coup plotter, coup plotter, coup plotter, coup plotter...

Anyway. One of the many things that endeared me to the show My Boys is that one of the characters has a similar fascination and as kind of a running joke will occasionally be heard repeating a word or two to himself while other characters are talking. It's hard to explain... let's just say it's nice to have a dorky role model on television and leave it at that...

I know. It's probably not inspiring you to watch, is it?

~~Damn.~~ Blog fodder.

Do they have Lenten Disciplines at Costco?

2009-02-25T08:12:00.016-06:00

Ahhh Lent. It always reminds me of Jon Stewart and something he said in a stand-up routine about us gentiles:

"Yom Kippur - we don’t eat for one day and all our sin for the whole year is atoned.
Beat that, Lent! 40 days to one day. See, even in sin you’re paying retail."

He makes a good point.

My former priest was always an advocate for "taking something on" rather than "giving something up" when it came to Lent. She thought "discipline" shouldn't necessarily mean sacrifice and punishment, but should instead be about learning and introspection.

She's no Jon Stewart, but she also makes a good point :)

I've tried the last couple of years to do one of each - give something up and take something on. I'd like to think it's because of the high spiritual plane upon which I reside, but I don't think anyone - including me - is buying that. No, really, it's more like hedging my bets. That MAYBE this way I'll succeed in following through with one of my choices all the way to Easter. Or at least Palm Sunday Eve...

So, this year I thought I'd give it another whirl.

Giving up: Plastic bottles and containers. I'm not a big consumer of bottled water, but I do enjoy far, far too many plastic bottles of Diet Coke. And I do try to choose an alternative to plastic containers when it comes to things at the grocery store, but I eat out way too much and that often involves a plastic container of some type. Case in point - I picked up a few slices of chocolate cake from a bakery for a little Fat Tuesday celebration in the office. Each slice in a separate little plastic box. Madness. Tasty madness. But madness nonetheless.

This picture is part of an amazing exhibit by artist Chris Jordan titled,
Running the Numbers: An American Self-Portrait, and depicts the two
million plastic bottles used in the US every five minutes.

Taking on: More than a year ago I got a little printer/scanner/copier combo thing. It's very pretty and does a really good job. Well, it would if I ever used it. One of the reasons for getting it was to scan in all of my old photos. But oh the time that would take. It's an overwhelming project.

This picture is part of an amazing display by Gert titled, Procrastination:
The Unfinished Photo Scanning Project and depicts the years between
her first Kodak Instamatic (ca. 1979) and her first digital camera (ca. 2005).
Not pictured: additional bin of photos-to-be-scanned-that-actually-made-it-into-photo-albums.

But it occurred to me... you know what else this little discipline could be? Blog fodder. So for this Lenten Season I hope to tackle a life's worth of photos AND take you on the journey with me.

That's right. For 40 days.

In this instance I think my priest might side with Jon Stewart.

...and Blessed are the Pancakes too.

2009-02-24T08:29:00.011-06:00

Happy Fat Tuesday and/or Shrove Tuesday. Being a Southern Episcopalian we like to dip our toes into both traditions simultaneously.

Some combination of this

and this

is how we like it - because otherwise what kind of Episcopalians would we be if we didn't take advantage of all the available pomp, circumstance and opportunity to party in the name of a High Holy Day?

I haven't yet thought about what my Lenten discipline is going to be this year. I guess I should get on that. Right now my plan is to contemplate it after I stop by church to snarf down a plate of pancakes and sausage, drape myself in Mardi Gras beads and listen to one of our retired priests and his jazz band play while fellow parishioners dance off their dinner in festive hats and masks.

God is good.

Regardless of your faith on the matter, I hope your day is as fat, beaded, fluffy, covered in syrup and festive as you would like for it to be.

Happy Tuesday!

Blessed are the Chickens

2009-02-23T09:08:00.000-06:00

If you can arrange it, I highly recommend attending a church where one of the members has an organic farm.

That way on Sundays you can pick up a little bread, a little wine, some forgiveness and absolution, and a dozen or so fresh, free-range eggs.

Not a bad way to start your week.

February Madness

2009-02-22T19:17:00.012-06:00

Kentucky served my beloved Vols quite a beating on Saturday. At least I had some good company to witness the carnage. You might remember her from here and here.

"Go Vols!"

"Oh no! Eight minutes in and we still haven't scored!"
"When will it end?!? Just please let us lose by less than 20 points!"

"We lost by 19... but hey, look how cute I am in this shirt!"

Top Five Silly Things Currently Making Me Happy: The TV / Cute Boy Edition.

2009-02-19T17:48:00.017-06:00

1. Awww, TBS, you shouldn't have!

Apparently my undying love and devotion to the show, My Boys, has become known to more than just the five people who read this blog because TBS has decided to air new episodes starting March 31st - the day before my birthday. Someone in televisionland loves me. If you're not watching it, please do. It's smart and cute and funny and the first two season are available on Netflix. Totally worth a spot in your queue. I promise.

2. Can you hear me now?

I just figured out that John Krasinski is the voice in those Blackberry / Verizon commercials. Makes me rethink my recent Pantech / AT&T purchase a little bit. And takes me back to a time when I almost switched my long distance carrier because of George Clooney...

3. I wish Al Gore really had invented the interwebs.

Because then I would be an even bigger groupie. (And no, as you can tell, he isn't Cute Boy #3. My admiration does have its limits...) Since getting DSL I officially no longer miss having cable. Had I known that almost every show I loved was online I would have ditched Comcast and my hamsternet a long, long time ago. My only beef? No episodes of What Not to Wear online. Why? Do they think anyone is actually going to purchase the entire season? Please. But regardless of potential DVD sales, the world should not be deprived of online viewing of Clinton Kelly in his complete, hour-long adorableness.

4. Eeeeddddwwwaaaaarrrrrdddd.

I had such high hopes of going to see all of the films nominated for Oscars this year. But as I mentioned in an earlier post, I failed miserably after seeing only one. I think this is my worst record yet and in my guilt and shame I briefly pondered NOT watching the awards show this year. I know. I said briefly. (I totally aced a "Who Wore This Oscar Dress" quiz on People magazine's website earlier this week, so seriously, who am I kidding?) So yes, of course I will be watching. But now, if for no other reason, than I just found out that my vampire crush will be presenting one of the awards.

5. Miiiissssterrr Daaaarrrrccyyyy.

Green Girl has been on a Pride and Prejudice kick this week and at one point incited a lively debate over who was the better Mr. Darcy - Kiera Knightly's newer model or the one and only Colin The Ideal Man Firth. I think we can all tell how my vote was cast. I also lobbied for her to create an All Darcy All The Time blog. And I was only kind of kidding. And am now wondering if the BBC or PBS has any of their miniseries available for online viewing...

"It is the ability to choose that makes us human."

2009-02-18T10:04:00.007-06:00

That was today's quote on my daily email from Real Simple. It is from Madeleine L'Engle, author of A Wrinkle in Time and a fellow Episcopalian who believed that God's love and grace was intended for all people. All.

Coincidentally, the email that followed it was a link to an online petition and a video from The Courage Campaign.

Prop 8, that amended the California state constitution to invalidate gay marriage, is now being taken to the Supreme Court. My good buddy, blast-from-the-past, Bastard Extraordinaire, Ken Starr is leading the team trying to uphold the ruling.

The Courage Campaign is one of the organizations trying to appeal.

Not being gay or a resident of California or knowing a great deal about law or government means that my opinion on the matter isn't the most educated or informed. But since that hasn't seemed to stop anyone else...

I will say that if you are in favor of Prop 8 AND of the political persuasion that allegedly believes in smaller government, then maybe you should think twice. Because a government that decides who should and should not be allowed to marry sounds a bit like big government to me.

And I will say that if you are in favor of Prop 8 because of your religious beliefs, then maybe you should reconsider using your God to try and make laws and change constitutions. Because I don't think you would enjoy it much if I ever used my God to do the same thing.

The only other thing I will say is that I think Madeline is right. It is the ability to choose that makes us human. So if you are human then maybe you should get to choose who you marry. And if you already get to choose who you marry, then maybe you should try acting a little more human.

The Supreme Court is scheduled to hear the appeal on March 5.

Click here if you'd like to sign the petition.

My Valentine

2009-02-14T16:26:00.002-06:00

A couple of years ago I went on a casual search for a possible second dog. I wanted a young - but not a puppy - male dog that would be a little larger than Elsie and not as crafty. My wish was granted. He was listed on Petfinder as a year-old St. Bernard / Border Collie mix, which is technically what Elsie is, so I wanted to see what he looked like. Just like Elsie. And he was adorably named Oliver. It all just fit too well.

It turns out that he's actually some sort of hound with a beautiful collie coat (ergo his nickname - The Pimped-Out Hound), but the rest is exactly what I asked for. He has grown to be several pounds larger than Elsie and to say that he is not as crafty is, well, a bit of an understatement. His other nicknames are Bubbles (after the character on Absolutely Fabulous) or Five Second Delay. Here he is on vacation in the mountains lying with his head off the dog bed.

But he is very pretty.

He doesn't so much lap water from the bowl like most dogs, but instead plunges his whole snout in and chomps at the water often resulting terrible sputtering after he's inhaled half the bowl. He is afraid of the stopwatch on 60 Minutes and has what I refer to as "boundary issues." For example:

If you allow him to sleep at the FOOT of the bed, you are guaranteed to wake up at some point to this on the next pillow:

"Oh. Hello there. Were you trying to sleep?"

If you allow him on the END of the couch, you are guaranteed this:

"Oh. Hello there. Were you trying to read? Watch television? Not inhale dog breath?"

If you try to get him to move over to said end of couch, you get this:

"What did you say? For me to lay my head on your shoulder and drool? No? Why not?"

Have I mentioned that he's pretty?

But while Elsie's first reaction to a new toy is to try to dismantle it and then stash the evidence in a hole in the yard, Oliver's is one of complete amazement and joy:

And while Elsie's mantra is likely "I'm surrounded by morons." Or, "Do I have to do everything around here?" Oliver's is most certainly and simply "I love, love." He would spend his day asleep in your lap - all 45 pounds of him - rather than eat. He will try to kiss you square in the mouth if you're not quick enough to block him. Here he is on the same vacation in the mountains enjoying the lap and love of my friend Amanda.

And that is why even though we only know he was born in February, I'm pretty sure his actual birthday is Valentine's Day.

So Oliver, while my cynical self has always considered this holiday to be insipid at best, for you, I make an exception. Happy Birthday.

Evidence

2009-02-13T12:24:00.009-06:00

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a friend had new rain boots. In that same post I also declared that said boots were "made of awesome" and that I totally coveted them.

Well... thanks to my new super spiffy cell phone with camera (also mentioned in same post) I now have proof:

Groovy, no?

"When a vicious creature took the jump..."

2009-02-12T11:52:00.006-06:00

Happy 200th Birthday Charles Darwin

From one of your biggest fans here in the state that brought the world the Scopes Trial and serves as the all-too shiny buckle of the Bible Belt. But hey - at least we're not Kansas.

I learned this morning on the news that you questioned the existence of the after-life. I hope you were wrong because I rather enjoy the thought of you maybe spending part of your day today gettin' down to a little Elvis Costello.

Not a bad idea for the rest of us down here either:

Apparently...

2009-02-11T14:47:00.006-06:00

... today is I Am Under the Delusion That Gert is My Bitch Day

a.k.a. Gert is Still Grouchy and Trying Not to Take it Out on Others Even if They Totally Deserve it Day.

Conversation #1:

Man who normally works from home for the organization that I share office space with, but who happens to be in the office today, saunters directly into my office - without even pausing at the doorway to see if I am in the middle of something - and waves a piece of paper at me.

Man: "Hey - do you have a way to make a copy of this for me?"

Me: "Oh, is the copier not working?"

Man: "Oh. Uh. I don't know where it is."

Me: "Hmmm. The kitchen."

Me to myself : "You know, the room you just walked past with the giant copier in it to get to my office?"

Conversation #2:

Woman I work with. (Not FOR. WITH).: "Do you have a better version of this map that I can use in my presentation?"

Me: "No, I don't. I'm sorry."

Woman: "Is there any way you could you find one?"

Me: "I can maybe find one on the internet."

Me to myself: "With my Super Secret Interwebs Sleuthing Device called GOOGLE!"

Woman: "Oh, that would be great. Thaaaanks."

Me (30 seconds later): "Here you go. Would one of these work?"

Woman: "Yes. Can you make a replacement slide for me? Thaaaanks."

Me: "Uh. Huh."

Me to myself: "You mean, can I click 'copy' and then 'paste'? I don't know... hey lookiethere I totally can... Amazing. Good - I was hoping to add a new skill to my resume this week. Thaaaanks."

GAH! I'm going home to soak my head in a vat of vitamin C.

A photo. And then a little rant. Because allergy meds make me grouchy.

2009-02-09T20:00:00.010-06:00

Big moon over my front yard. It was a photo-worthy moment - even if the picture didn't turn out so well.

It was uploaded and posted whilst watching President Obama's press conference.

Now, Barack, you know I love you man, but when I don't feel well, please don't talk through How I Met Your Mother. I wouldn't have minded if this had all been quality time we'd just spent, but you took a question from someone at Huffington Post. I mean, I'm sure he's a legitimate reporter and all, but in the grand scheme of things I just don't know that it was necessary.

And Maura from NPR - cut to the chase, sister. I know you're excited to have a president who finally takes questions from the press, but you don't have to ask all of them today. He's going to be here for four years.

And seriously, dude from the Washington Post, newsflash: you're from the WASHINGTON POST. Our economy is in the toilet, no one can be civil long enough to even try to do something about it, and you asked the PRESIDENT about A-Rod's confession of steroid use?! Seriously. Sit. Down.

And press secretary guy - whose name I don't remember at the moment - personally I find you endearing, but we all know these things are at least somewhat orchestrated and this is the best you can do? Give a girl a break. Neil Patrick Harris is waiting and I repeat: I. Do. Not. Feel. Well.

Week in Review

2009-02-09T09:31:00.001-06:00

1. Coughing up a lung or two
I'm experiencing some pre-springtime allergy issues. Constant scratchy throat for a week and now it's all in my chest and I'm all raspy sounding. I wish I sounded like Demi Moore - or even Rachel Ray - but it's a sound much more akin to Peppermint Patty. Adding to the fun is the continuous drama of our 80's era office park. They've been "working" on our decrepit heating system since before Christmas. Supposedly it's "fixed." However - the temperature in my office this past week: Monday - 80 degrees. Tuesday and Wednesday - 50 degrees. Thursday and Friday - 80 degrees. Needless to say, it's not helping the congestion. So, I'm home for at least the first half of the day. Right now I'm listening to a discussion about the mother of the octuplets on The View. Easy-bake oven office is sounding better by the minute.

2. Movies
I was hoping to get around to seeing at least a good chunk of the Oscar nominees before we find out who won what. Last Sunday I went to see Slumdog Millionaire. It's really good. This Sunday I went to see He's Just Not That Into You. OK. So, not really on the Oscar watch list. It was amusing. I do love me some Ben Affleck though. He was pretty dreamy in this movie but not in it nearly enough.

3. RIP
My two favorite-est magazines in the entire world have folded: Domino and Cottage Living. They were always full of colorful and interesting ideas for the home - real, tiny-to-normal-sized, homes. Their aesthetics were quite different from one another but provided the perfect combination of simplistic/traditional/antique and off-beat/urban/modern that exists in my house (or at least how I want it to exist). Domino was born from the pages of Lucky magazine and Cottage Living from the conglomerate that is Southern and Coastal Living magazines. From what I can tell, I'm genetically and culturally obligated to read Southern Living every month until I die (pronounced with two syllables). The problem with it though is that the homes they feature are enormous and rather beige so I am hoping that it will absorb some of the ideas from Cottage Living. We'll see I guess. I know they're just magazines. Pages of glossy, non-environmentally friendly paper. And I know that in this economy there are more important businesses to fret about. But it's just sad.

4. Dinner conversation
I found myself almost dead center of the long table of people I eat with on Friday nights. The discussions on either side of me were lively and varied and I was enjoying switching back and forth listening to one end of the table and then the other. At one point though I found myself simultaneously in - what I quickly figured out were - two very different conversations.

Guy to my right: "I don't think I would enjoy having a uterus."

Guy to my left: "You can usually find them on EBay."

Turns out the conversation on my left was about antique china. The other was not.

5. Everything I've wanted to say
My crush on Seth Meyer grows. His "Really!?! with Seth" bit on SNL Weekend Update Saturday was a perfect commentary on the whole Michael Phelps drama. Genius.

Grand.

2009-02-06T09:35:00.005-06:00

Go Pat!

GO LADY VOLS!

Snakes on a Plane(t)

2009-02-05T09:17:00.013-06:00

Apparently the threat of climate change is still way on the back burner of our collective concern. Survey results I heard mentioned in the news yesterday said that it was at the bottom of the list of priorities with most people. Understandably there are things like war and the economy that are weighing on people's minds lately - but let's be truthful - concern for who will be our next American Idol probably scored much higher than the people at Pew would lead us to believe.

And I don't know how much hope I have that climate change will ever be a big concern for people. We are currently in a giant "green" trend lately and climate change isn't catching on. The looming threat of drowning polar bears doesn't even seem to be getting the job done either. And you know how much we love the polar bears. Almost as much as American Idol.

I think a new tactic is needed. If cute won't get us to pay attention then cute needs to be replaced with fear. We respond to fear. Not real, could-actually-happen fear - like more severe and frequent weather events, or water scarcity, or crop elimination. No, no. We scoff at that kind of fear. For us, the more irrational and kooky the better.

Our new administration is reportedly going to dial back the fear mongering AND use of the grammatically inappropriate phrase "War on Terror." This means that soon there is going to be a scare-tactic void to be filled and I say climate change is the perfect candidate. And the first order of business should be to get a new mascot.

So, if it were up to me...

This guy:

Totally fired.

(It's okay, really, I'm sure those penguins from that Coke commercial will save him. He'll be fine...)

Your new climate change spokesmodel? This guy.

That's right. Gigantic. Scary-assed. Snake. The fossil remains of an enormous snake have been discovered who existed sometime after the dinosaurs and who grew to oh, about 40 feet long, weighed more than a ton and snacked on crocodiles.

How can a giant extinct snake be either relative OR scary as far as climate change is concerned, you ask? Well... turns out that in order for a cold-blooded creature to be able to grow to and survive at that size, it's environment had to be really hot all the time. Hotter than they ever thought the tropics could get. As hot as the tropics could quite possibly get again if we don't start paying attention. And if it's going to get hotter there, then it's also going to get hotter here, and I don't know about you, but I for one am just fine with the current size of the occasional friendly neighborhood garter snake I find in my yard that still manages to scare the crap out of me.

So there you go. The real threat of famine and drought aren't frightening enough to get us to change to compact florescents or stop wasting gas? Fine. Whatever.

How about the chance that reptiles might grow to be the size of a school bus? Better? I thought so.

And really, when it's put that way the choice is so much more simple, don't you think?

This:

Or this:

Seriously, people. Change your f*cking lightbulbs.

Cultural Differences

2009-02-03T14:37:00.011-06:00

Today is the 50th anniversary of the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. Very sad.

Less sad, however, was a conversation that took place 40 some-odd years later between Gert and her (now former) Irish boyfriend:

Gert calls for boy several times from the kitchen and gets no response. Gert finds boy sitting on the couch too engrossed in a movie to either hear or answer her.

Gert glances annoyingly over at the television: "What are you watc --- is that Lou Diamond Phillips?!"

Boy: stares at TV

Gert quickly runs through list of movies in her head that contain Lou Diamond Phillips then looks at boy with furrowed brow and more annoyance: "La Bamba? Seriously. You can't answer me because you're watching La Bamba?"

Boy: "Shhh. I love this movie."

Gert with brow more furrowed: "You've seen it before?"

Boy: "Yeah. A couple of times. Haven't you? It's really good."

Gert: "Really?"

Boy: "Yeah. But it's almost to the end and it'll just ruin it if you've never seen it all the way through before."

Gert: "They die in a plane crash."

Boy with furrowed brow: "You said you haven't seen it!"

Gert whispering facetiously: "It's a true story."

Boy with pitiful heartbroken look on face: "What? Really? No way!"

Gert sweetly shaking her head and trying hard not to giggle and/or mock: "Yes. It is. I'm sorry."

Boy with even more pitiful, heartbroken look on face: "I can't believe it. That's so sad. I don't think I can watch anymore."

Gert suddenly feeling guilty and now rummaging through basket of movies: "I know... I'm really sorry... Here... why don't you watch The Commitments again instead... They're Irish AND no one dies..."

In honor of Dick Clark's next birthday (whenever that may be) I'll tell you about the time he discovered that the Dick Clark in the restaurant chain, "Dick Clark's American Diner," was really THE Dick Clark and that they were, in fact, really owned by him. "Yes, THE Dick Clark.... Yes, the American Bandstand guy.... Yes, the New Year's show guy... No, I'm not making it up... Yes, really, the real Dick Clark..."

Number One. Thousand.

2009-02-01T20:28:00.011-06:00

This week there's a pretty good chance that Pat Summitt will win her 1,000th game, bringing her record to 1,000 wins and only 186 (or 7 or 8) losses. The first opportunity is tonight at Oklahoma and the next is Thursday in Knoxville against Georgia.

Just like with her 800th and 900th wins, the critics, cynics, chauvinists, and general whiners, will start to kvetch and say that her 1,000 wins aren't the same as if a men's coach did it because there isn't the same level of parity in women's basketball that there is in men's basketball. True. And that she was only able to achieve this number of wins because she started coaching at 22 and men's coaching is too competitive for any of them to be able to start coaching at such a young age. Also maybe true.

I don't deny that these are things to consider. I just think maybe they should also consider that there is another side to this coin. That maybe there are other obstacles and other factors that some of the greatest in men's basketball coaching never had to deal with and/or probably aren't willing to do.

Because you know what else is true?

Pat Summit's starting salary was $8,900 a year. For that pay, in addition to coaching the team, her job included making flyers and posting them around campus to get people to attend the games, doing the team's laundry, and driving the van.

She went into labor while in another state recruiting a player (Pennsylvania, I believe). She got back on the plane and flew home so that her son, Tyler, would be born in Tennessee. Two weeks later she and Tyler were back on the plane on another recruiting trip.

Last year, to support the men's team in their game against Florida, she dressed up as a cheerleader and performed at halftime.

She even carpools to work.

There are a lot of other facts and figures that could be tossed about regarding game attendance, season ticket sales or championships won. Or that 65 of the current coaches in women's college and professional basketball are former Lady Vol coaches and players. Or that until this past year the highest-rated sporting event on ESPN was UT vs. UCONN for the 2004 national championship. But I'm sure they could all be countered with some wise-ass opinion inevitably arguing the superiority of men's coaches.

Fine.

But until I see Coach K or Bobby Knight in a cheerleading outfit - they can keep their opinions to themselves.

Good luck Coach Summitt.

Go Lady Vols!